Jonathan Livingston Seagull (1973)

An American drama directed by Hall Bartlett, starring Hal Holbrook and Philip Ahn.
A seagull wants to fly faster than the rest of the flock. They banish him for doing so and he meets other seagulls.
Total crap. This is one of the most boring films I have ever suffered through. The video looked like all B-roll and the voice-over was all whispered. If you want to know how to make me hate a movie, take this as an example. Critics hated it for good reason and Roger Ebert walked out of a theater because of it. Not even Plan 9 from Outer Space or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians can eject Ebert from a theater! My main complaint is that it was just so fucking boring. I'm done and rate it shit. DO NOT WATCH!

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

An American musical romance directed by Robert Iscove.
Teenagers on spring break are trying to find love, or at least quick sex. A boy is attracted to a gairl, but her friend is intercepting text messages and preventing them from meeting.
What a pile of crap. Critics all seem to agree on this as well as Stinkers Bad Movie Awards and Golden Raspberry. Remember how I said the Russian film, Guardians (2017) seemed less forced and contrived than American superhero flicks? This is the opposite of that. It all seemed forced and contrived. Insincere. What happened was that Kelly Clarkson was contractually bound by American Idol to be in a movie and unfortunately, this is what she was offered. The plot and characters were shallow and vapid. Why is this dork vacationing with the party guys? At least it could have been explained, like he had a car and gave them a ride. Fitting that little scrap of information in would not have been difficult. The songs came out of nowhere and the characters just went back to acting afterward. It wasn't like a normal musical in which the songs are acknowleged by the plot and characters, these were ignored. I also have a problem with white people singing like they are black. I've lightened up on the racist comments since remaining in communications with my Jamaican friend (totally unexpected, hippie guy has a black Jamaican friend). He has informed me a little about racism and made me realize that I was doing some and it may be wrong to label "moulignon movies", but other people do much worse. What iriitates me is when someone acts outside of their ethnicity. White folks singing black, black folks acting Japanese, Asian folks singing black... Seriously, look in a mirror. Alright, so everything was terrible except audio and video. It looked and sounded fine like polishing a turd. I rate this shit because it should never have been made and nobody should ever watch it.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

An American comedy by Tom Green, starring Rip Torn.
An aspiring animator lives with his parents and tries to juggle finding a job and getting his cartoon idea picked up by a company.
Absurd and stupid, but funny. Critics all hate it, except A. O. Scott of the New York Times and it has pitiful scores on anything that reviews movies. Though I may have hated it when it came out, Tom Green is no longer popular and not saturating the media anymore. Given that break and putting it into perspective, I liked this. I thought standing on a conveyor belt with a sausage held to his crotch and saying "I'm a sexy boy" was funny. I liked when he grabbed the penis of the horse and the elephant and when he was trying to get inside the deer. I'm not really going into analysis of audio and video quality because I could see and hear everything. I'm not discussing plot or characters either, but the plot has almost nothing to do with the Freddy character being fingered. The review appropriate for this film is "was it funny?" and I think it was. The humor was crass, offensive and idiotic, but that's what made it good. I'm rating this good. If you did not see it when it came out and have a strange sense of humor, you may find it funny now.

Guardians A.K.A. Защитники, Zaschitniki, Zashchitniki (2017)

A Russian science fiction action directed by Sarik Andreasyan.
A Mad scientist has made superheroes before the government turned against him. He gives himself super powers and the heroes have to defeat him.
Most folks think this is horrible. They say it has bad CGI, bad acting and a derivative plot. I disagree because I think it is more genuine and less contrived and forced than American superhero films. It seemed like everyone involved in making it knew that it was a cheesy superhero film and decided to just go ahead and make it so. I can't discuss the dialogue very much because I watched it with Russian audio and poorly translated (but on time) English subtitles. Any hokey one-liners must have been lost in translation. I like it for what it over-did well. The bear with a machine gun is the first thing to note (image). The CGI and special effects looked a little "video game"y, but it almost seemed intentional. The plot was a very standard and traditional superheroes vs villain. While not creative, it was simple and stayed out of the way to showcase hyperbolic super powers and crappy CGI better. I'm rating this adequate because I think that American superhero films take themselves too seriously and could learn something from a more "fun" Russian version.

For Keeps (1988)

An American romance directed by John G. Avildsen, starring Molly Ringwald.
A high school girl gets pregnant and wants to marry her boyfriend, keep the baby and go to college. The parents of the girl and her boyfriend disagree about what should be done.
Forgettable. David Nusair said it was "about as compelling as an afterschool special". I did not care about the plot or characters and was waiting the whole time for something to actually happen. It looked and sounded alright, but held my attention like a razor blades wrapped in tissue paper. I wish I had not watched it, but if I've resigned myself to watching the worst films ever, I must watch them. I rate this bad for being an uninteresting line of cliches. Don't watch it.

Folks! (1992)

An American comedy directed by Ted Kotcheff, starring Don Ameche.
A man has problems when his mom gets sick, his dad is senile, he lost his job, his wife and kids run away, his sister brings her sons to live with him and he is being evicted from his home.
I would call this a tragi-comedy because nothing good happens until the happy ending. The main character (Tom Selleck) won a Razzie for worst acting, but I didn't think it was that bad. This was certainly written better than The Headsman (2005) and Fair Game (1995). The characters were identifiable and memorable. SAlthough I didn't like the plot, it was clearly presented. Video showed everything going on in an early '90s style and I could hear all of the dialogue. Some of it may have been poorly written and poorly acted, but I could hear it. I've never come down too hard on a film for being too hokey, so I this has not earned my ire. I rate it o.k. because there is much worse stuff to watch and I almost enjoyed it.

Fair Game (1995)

An American action directed by Andrew Sipes, starring William Baldwin and Christopher McDonald.
A lawyer is being hunted by Russian hackers and a cop is trying to protect her. The hackers want to steal money from a bank by accessing it through a computer.
This seemed like it was written by a pubescent boy. It was actually written by Paula Gosling (female) and was already made into a film in Cobra (1986). Wikipedia says that it performed badly at the box office and with critics, but does not site individual insults. That's o.k., I have my own. Anything that was not chases, explosions, gunfights or implied sex was filled with poorly written jokes. Like I said, written by a boy who is still amused by violence, but has become aware of the female body and has yet to learn what a cliche is. I blame almost everything on bad writing, but this is among the 5 worst written films i've seen. The dialogue made me question whether an adult thought this was good enough to film. Wikipedia says that the director stopped talking to anyone at some point. I can only imagine that this was when he gave up on the project. Totally off topic, check out this dude's facial hair (image) Just sideburns, nothing else. This is another thing that makes me think "an adult thought this was o.k.?" I rate this shit because I can't think of anything good to say about it. DO NOT WATCH!

The Headsman A.K.A. Shadow of the Sword, Henker (2005)

A British Austrian Swiss Luxembourg Hungarian German romance drama directed by Simon Aeby, starring Nikolaj Coster.
During a time when the church is acting crazy, a pair of boys are split when they are young. One goes into the clergy and the other marries the executioner's daughter, becoming an executioner.
Mediocre crap. I found this while searching for Shadowless Sword (2005) and figured I would just get it anyway because it had English audio. I can see the production meeting: "This movie sucks. What can we do to get asses in seats?" "Let's make it look like Lord of the Rings!" The plot was rambling and uninteresting. The characters were shallow and the dialogue was poor. Audio was terrible too. People were either shouting or whispering. The ending was so cheesy that even if I spoiled it, nobody would care. It consisted of flashbacks and a ride into the sunset. But it all looked really modern and professional. I'm thinking there is some kind of digital setting or filter used to make films look this way (image). The era of proprietary cameras is over and digital footage is infinitely malleable. It should be easy to get the Peter Jackson look. Maybe a lighting setup? I rate this bad for being mediocre and boring. Don't watch it.

Festen A.K.A. The Celebration (Dogme #1) (1998)

A Danish drama directed by Thomas Vinterberg, starring Ulrich Thomsen and Trine Dyrholm.
An old man is celebrating his birthday and lots of relatives show up for the party. During dinner, one of the man's sons stands up and announces that he was sexually abused by his father.
This is clearly what the whole Dogma/Dogme 95 movement was supposed to be about. This is the first Dogme film, but I have watched others. They are all aiming for very realistic drama that looks like someone had a camera with them during the events of the film. The plot held my attention and I could hear the dialogue because there was no non-diegetic music or foley sound effects. Most of the dialogue was in Danish, with English subtitles. Only a few parts were spoken in English and those had no subtitles. Obviously, the camera-work was not quite to my liking. I would have allowed the use of tripods if I wrote the Dogma 95 movement's "Vow of Chastity". I rate this good as an example of an important film movement. It's better than adequate, but not as good as Idioterne (1998).

Gigli (2003)

An American romantic comedy directed by Martin Brest, starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.
A mobster is assigned to abduct the retarded brother of a politician in order to extort money. A woman is also assigned to this task (without his knowledge) and the 3 of them form a bond.
Above all else, this was inconsistent. That seems to be the consensus after a quick read of what other critics thought. They said that it was too disorganized, but not as bad as more popular romantic comedies of the time. I didn't know whether to call it crime, romance or comedy and I think it was trying to be all of them, stretching too thin over the 2 hour duration. There were some funny parts that really made me laugh, but there were "wise guy" mob business scenes, sappy romance parts, a shooting, etc... Just trying to be too much. Rainman (1988) already did the bad boy/retard buddy flick and did it well. What I'm saying is that this should have selected romance or crime and eliminated the other element. Justin Bartha played "deet dee dee" pretty well for such a pretty boy/heartthrob actor. I haven't seen his other films though. Ben Affleck did a great job as the bad boy mobster and Christopher Walken fit his short scene as the cop the viewer hates because I really do hate him. A plot point which confused me was that Brian asked Larry to read to him, so he reads food and toilet paper labels. Then Larry goes into the other room and Ricki has a book, but he says nothing about it. Video looked pretty good and I could hear most of the dialogue well. I rate this adequate because it was worth watching once for the comedy scenes.

Eye of the Beholder (1999)

A Canadian Australian British mystery directed by Stephan Elliott, starring Ewan McGregor and Genevieve Bujold.
A man who has an imaginary daughter is trying to follow a woman. He video calls another woman at some type of office frequently.
The real mystery here was the plot. It seemed like just a jumbled series of scenes, rather than a coherent story. The female lead was always dressing differently and wearing different wigs, so I had real trouble identifying her. There was some whisper acting... At least the camera-work was good. When that's all I can say in praise of a film, you know it's really bad. I rate this shit because I spent the entire duration wishing I was not watching it. DO NOT WATCH!!!

Evidence (2013)

An American crime thriller directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi, starring Harry Lennix, Dale Dickey and Radha Mitchell.
Cops are trying to solve a crime by using recorded video evidence. Some people had been on their way to Las Vegas when their car crashed. One of them was a filmmaker and others had cameras with them.
Crap. There's no other way to describe this. If it had been mocking "found footage" horror and crime films, it would have been good. It was clearly not doing so. How everything was done was so stereotypical. The cops make a "breakthrough" on the case at a set time, whispered dialogue, tense music, young and (currently believed to be) pretty actresses... It was all just so predictable. My favorite scene was when the cops find the last memory card and act like it has to be searched right then. Like the video data was going to expire or fall off the card soon. "I've got the chip!" I rate this bad. Don't watch it.
I've noticed a trend on my blog over the past year or so. It seems to only get views on lewd and prurient content. Whether I typed something about sex or nudity or posted an image of nudity, those seem to be the only posts getting any noticeable traffic. Everything else gets like 2 views when I post it and I have 5 followers. It's just sad that nobody really cares about anything else. I know that the age of the blog has ended and everyone is using twitter, tumblr, instagram, youtube and facebook to the exclusion of any other site. I would like to thank the few people who actually see this for their loyalty. Everyone else can go enjoy their corporate advertising.

Shadowzone (1990)

An American science fiction horror directed by J.S. Cardone, starring Louise Fletcher, James Hong and Miguel A. Nunez Jr.
A NASA captain is sent to a laboratory to examine a sleep experiment because one of the patients has died. A monster from another dimension gets loose in the facility and starts killing people.
More one-off Full Moon trash. Pick a film element... it sucked. I really don't feel the need to explain everything that was bad when it was almost everything. The sets were better for this than most trashy science fiction horrors. The building looked industrial and the gadgets looked scientific. There was female nudity (image), but also full frontal male nudity (no image). I rate this bad because it was a waste of time.

Sex and Death 101 (2007)

An American comedy drama directed by Daniel Waters, starring Winona Ryder and Patton Oswalt.
While a woman is going around using chemicals to put men into comas, a man recieves and email list of all the women he has and will have sex with. Some guys in a white room explain it to him and he grapples with wanting to fornicate his way through the list or try to negate it.
Pretty crappy. Most critics seem to agree this time. I thought it was vapidly trying to fill theater seats by appealing to men's carnal desires. It's supposed to be a comedy, but nothing was funny. The editing was too quick and there was not enough plot to fill just over an hour and a half. The characters were shallow, Even though the main character changed, he did so in a most superficial way. The camera-work looked fine, but the audio had too much whispered dialogue. I'm rating this poor because it's not worth watching and I didn't like it.

Seize the Day (1986)

An American drama directed by Fielder Cook, starring Robin Williams, Jerry Stiller and John Fielder.
A salesman loses his job and goes to New York City to find work. He has trouble communicating with his father and is scammed by a sleazy gambler.
Most film plots start even, take a down turn and then rise like -\/ this one was just \ down all the way. Not much actually happened, but there were some interesting things to note. My favorite scene was Robin Williams escorting the gambler's friend across a street. The man was resisting all the way while they were in traffic (image), but took right off as soon as he got to the other side. Casting is another point to mention. Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza from Seinfeld) was the gambler and John Fielder (Piglet from Winnie the Pooh) was the clerk at the hotel desk. The version that I watched was in 4:3 aspect ratio and I suspect it was a "pan and scan" job from a 16:9 original. This would negate much of the camera composition and explain clipped credits at the beginning. At least I could hear all of the dialogue. I rate this tolerable because it was just not worth watching.

Seems Like Old Times (1980)

An American comedy directed by Jay Sandrich, starring Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn and Charles Grodin.
A man is forced by criminals to rob a bank. He gets away and goes to his ex-wife for help. She is a lawyer who employs criminals and has classy dinner parties. After lots of mess, the supposed bank robber, ex-wife and her new husband meet at a dinner party with the governor.
This was a pretty standard, traditional and classic style comedy. I think that Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn make a great team, mostly because of National Lampoon's Vacation. The chauffeur/butler, T.K. Carter also did a great job. The ironic and mixed up situations usually involved Chevy Chase hiding somewhere and Goldie Hawn trying to keep Charles Grodin from finding him. As I said, this film is very much of its time and genre. I rate it adequate because it was entertaining, but exactly what I expected.

Every Thing Will Be Fine (2015)

A German French Swedish Norwegian Canadian American drama directed by Wim Wenders, starring Charlotte Gainsbourg, James Franco, Patrick Bauchau and Peter Stormare.
A man kills 1 of a pair of brothers in a car accident during a snow storm. He is depressed, but eventually becomes a successful writer. He offers to help the mother of the boys and they talk a little bit. When the surviving brother is 16 years old, he meets the writer.
This was worse than Turkish Star Wars (1982) because Wim Wenders is a good director and I was expecting something to happen. At the end of almost 2 hours, the credits rolled and there had been nothing going on since about 14 minutes in. Charlotte Gainsbourg is good at acting and I haven't seen her in any happy or boring roles. When the writer was looking outside, trying to figure out who broke into his house, she should have been there with weapons. At least Turkish Star Wars was known to be bad and had something happening. This had good people on the filmmaking team and nothing happened. I rate this shit because mediocrity should be punished more than lack of quality. I would rather watch a movie that is interesting because it's so bad than be bored by mediocrity.

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam A.K.A. The Man Who Saved the World, Turkish Star Wars (1982)

A Turkish science fiction directed by Cetin Inanc.
2 men from Earth face an evil wizard.
This was like taking the worst parts of 1950s science fiction, 1960s peplum and 1980s kung fu films and turning the horrid mess into a single film. Everything about it was bad or worse. It wasn't so bad it was good or even fun to mock. It was just trash. It is listed among the worst films ever and I agree. The filmmakers were not even skilled enough to make it bad on its own, but had to infringe copyright, including (most obviously) scenes from Star Wars and music from Indiana Jones. The sword was the worst movie prop I've seen. It looked like spray painted cardboard. I rate this shit and wish I had never wasted my time watching it. DO NOT WATCH!!!!

Dondi (1961)

An American comedy drama directed by Albert Zugsmith, starring David Janssen.
An Italian orphan is adopted by American soldiers. They accidentally smuggle him back to New York City, where he becomes lost.
This was hokey, almost defining the term. The simplistic plot and shallow characters were poorly written, based on a comic strip written between 1955 and 1986. It was in black and white, even though color film had been around for quite some time. It is also listed as one of the worst movies ever. It was definitely bad, but not worst. The scene that I thought was funny was when the American soldiers were on the ship and had already found Dondi among their luggage. The soldiers have one guy under the table where officers are eating and he uses comical methods to steal their food (image). One of the male officers is distracted by a female officer and the other female officer is supposedly too busy eating, but is staring right at the theft going on. I rate it poor. You really should not watch it.

Don Peyote (2014)

An American adventure directed by Dan Fogler and Michael Canzoniero, starring Dan Fogler and Wallace Shawn (inconceivable!).
A lazy comic book writer is obsessed with conspiracies and smoking pot. He begins trying to make a documentary with a friend, but is easily distracted and gets very lost.
Other critics hate this and say it's pointless, but I thought it was great. The meandering plot reflected the main character's psychological state, as he was not just on drugs, but also going crazy separate from that. The only real character was Dan Fogler and he is presented simply in the beginning, but gains some complexity as the film progresses. I usually like heavy narration and this had that. I would have even liked a little more of it. Camera-work, editing and effects looked good and reflected what was going on in the plot accurately. I think I like this because it's unique and because I'm into the whole conspiracy documentary deal too. I rate this awesome because it was unique and entertaining. Watch it.

Disaster Movie (2008)

An American comedy directed by Jason Friedberg, starring Carmen Electra and Tony Cox.
A young man has an apocalyptic dream and then disaster strikes the city during his birthday party. He goes to save his girlfriend with the help of some other people at the party.
This plot summary is only vaguely accurate. The film seemed more like a series of sketches and vignettes than a continuous story. There were a few moments which made me laugh, but it was generally a pile of crap. I thought Amy Winehouse, Flavor Flav, the sewer princess and Michael Jackson were funny. It should be obvious that the writing for this was total trash. The acting was not much better. Special effects looked more amateurish than if they had all been done in 1973. Editing was too fast. I could go on listing every film element because it all sucked. This was also almost a musical. There were lots of songs with singing and dancing... I rate it bad because at least it made me laugh a few times. Don't watch it.

Charlotte for Ever (1986)

A French drama directed by and starring Serge Gainsbourg, starring Charlotte Gainsbourg.
A failed writer lives with his teenage daughter who blames him for the car accident which killed her mother. The writer hangs out with his 2 friends and they drink whiskey.
I seriously didn't get it and doubt there was anything to get. The best part was the song. It had keyboard parts like Bill Schnoebelen's Interview with an Ex-Vampire (2006) theme and bass like "As the World Falls Down" by David Bowie from Labyrinth (1986). The whole song reminded me a little of Claudio Simonetti's Phenomena (1985) theme. I will have to do some research to see if I can find out how to play it. Camera-work was next. Everything looked good, had high contrasts of light and dark and creative angles and camera positions were used. There was unsimulated vomit and a "booze bottle bowling" game played by 2 girls with bottles as pins and a motorcycle helmet as the ball. Other than that, it was nearly incoherent. I rate this tolerable because it was seriously lacking plot.

Dirty Love (2005)

An American romantic comedy directed by John Mallory Asher, written by and starring Jenny McCarthy, also starring Carmen Electra and Victor Webster.
A woman breaks up with her boyfriend and he destroys her belongings. She tries to find a new boyfriend, but has trouble doing so.
Trashy. Hokey and cheesy are too good for this scum. I could tell it was written by a woman whose career started with Playboy photos. Vapid is another good word for it. The plot was simplistic and the characters were some of the shallowest I've seen in any film. I get that love and relationships are an important part of life in this world and that life would not exist without them, but so many crappy movies are made about the subject. There are many people who think they absolutely need to be in a romantic relationship, as if their survival depends upon it. Animals can work and reproduce. Humans need to do a little more to differentiate themselves from dumb beasts. This movie did not help that cause. I guess if I want views, Jenny McCarthy needs to be like this (image). She's not even that pretty. Sure, she has tits, but I think she's a "butter-face". I rate this bad. Don't watch it.

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

An American comedy directed by Dan Mazer, starring Robert De Niro, Aubrey Plaza and Dermot Mulroney.
A man who is about to get married must drive his grandfather to Florida. The grandfather's wife has just died and the man's fiancee is constantly pestering him about decisions for the wedding. On the way to Florida, they are caught up in a spring break celebration.
Everyone seems to really hate this, but I thought it was funny. Sure, it was riding Bad Santa (2003)'s coattails a little bit late, but it was nowhere near as bad as other critics say it is. Maybe I like it because it's bad, but I know I like it because it's unique. Even uniquely bad can be a good thing by my criteria. At least it wasn't mediocre and boring. Sign me up for sex jokes and potty humor any day. The plot held my attention and the characters were shallow, but entertaining. There were some things that went by too quickly and I had to rewind. For example, De Niro's "cock blocking" jokes at the golf course were delivered at high speed and I had to pinpoint the moment when the projector at the wedding started showing inappropriate photos so I didn't miss any. The main flaw that I agree with other critics about is that the pacing was too fast. I'm rating it adequate, partly out of spite at other critics for not getting it.

Dr. T & the Women (2000)

A German American romance directed by Robert Altman, starring Richard Gere, Helen Hunt and Laura Dern.
A gynecologist has many problems with many women.
I've rated bad audio before because of not being able to hear things. This time, I'm pointing it out because of hearing too many things. There were scenes with rooms full of women, all speaking at the same time in a cacophony. I could tell this was written by a woman (Anne Rapp) because the men spoke like women when they were out hunting or golfing. Everyone was rich and (bringing back a 1970s/1980s theme) had a big bottle of liquor in their desk at work. I really didn't notice anything else about it. The plot was convoluted and there were too many characters. The camera-work looked alright and the editing was probably pretty quick. I rate it poor because I wish I had not watched it.

Death of a Nation: Can We Save America a Second Time? (2018)

An American documentary by Dinesh D'Souza.
The narrator explains his views on current American politics and the difference between Democrat and Republican parties. He also interviews people who agree and disagree with him.
In America, we supposedly have some kind of laws protecting freedom of speech and press. I think this is covered under those. If the historical reenactments were poorly made, go ahead and criticize it for that. I agree with most of his ideas and think that the historical scenes were shoddy. As far as idealogical and political documentaries go, this fits somewhere between the "more techno than talk, more entertainment than education" Discovery Channel and independent youtube films I've seen and the "more talk than techno, more education than entertainment" films from David Icke, (old) Alex Jones, Jordan Maxwell and Michael Tsarion. It leaned a little too heavily on the entertainment side, though. I was actually laughing about some of it. Liberal Democrats getting all sad because Trump was selected entertained me when it happened and still does. I have a feeling that Conservative Republicans would not have been crying if Hillary Clinton were selected. There were some sections that I thought were a little too "heavy handed": equating Trump to Abraham Lincoln and Democrats to Fascists (including Hitler) was a little bit over the top. What was not heavy handed was illustrating how Democrats and Republicans view people keeping what they earn. This film was rated very poorly by other critics:
"off-the-screen rants... shabbily constructed and artistically bankrupt... cherry-picked facts, overt omissions, inept historical reenactments, slanders, innuendos... painfully unendurable... tedious and repetitive... he's not putting his claims together in any form that makes sense" - Wikipedia
It has extremely low percentage scores on public film review sites and won 2 Golden Raspberry awards. I don't think it's that bad, but that Liberal Democrats got distraught and were the only ones who rated it. I rate this o.k. because it's middle of the road in documentary production and I agree with lots of what Dinesh says.

Confession of a Child of the Century A.K.A. Confession d'un enfant du siècle (2012)

A French German British period drama directed by Sylvie Verheyde, starring Charlotte Gainsbourg.
A rich young man falls in love with a widow a few years older than him and they have problems.
Whisper acting all the way through. I couldn't hear much dialogue, so it was difficult to know what was going on. For example, therre was a scene in which the 2 main characters were discussing Charlotte's (I never heard her character's name) journal while sitting on a bed. The movement of sheets was so loud that I feared for the safety of my speakers, but the dialogue was not audible. This is a film ruined by bad audio mixing. It could have had a great plot. I have no way of knowing whether it did. What are the characters' names? Couldn't hear that either. The audio was mixed this way with theaters in mind, knowing that the volume would be nearly deafening. I can't imagine what the music would have sounded like in theaters if the volume was up enough to hear dialogue. I have to rate it shit because the only way to watch it and hear anything would have been in the theater.

Dark Tide (2012)

A South African British American action thriller directed by John Stockwell, starring Halle Berry and Ralph Brown.
A woman who used to swim with sharks has broken up with her husband and is now running seal and whale tours on her boat. A rich man contacts the husband and has him convince her to take the rich man out to swim with sharks.
Stupid. I have not seen Halle Berry in a good movie. This was simplistic and the ending was unclear. Most of the duration was taken up by pointless underwater scenes. What little plot there was made me wish that I was not watching it. The characters were extremely shallow: not even cardboard, but paper cutouts. What made this banal and vapid film worse was that it was an hour and 45 minutes long when it could have fit into a 20 minute short. I can only assume that the only reason to watch this would be Halle Berry in a bikini, but in this age of plentiful internet pornography, why bother? I rate this bad because it was not quite as painful to watch as some other recent entries. Don't watch it.

Dark Crimes (2016)

A Polish American crime drama directed by Alexandros Avranas, starring Jim Carrey, Marton Csokas and Charlotte Gainsbourg.
A police detective is investigating a murder. He thinks that an author did it because he wrote about it in his book and has a girlfriend who used to work in the brothel where the murder took place.
Boring. This was supposed to be a thriller, but staying awake through it without being bored to sleep is difficult. There were no thrills. Seriously, it was about 98% people talking, 1% driving and 1% sex. There were 2 good things about it. 1 was Charlotte Gainsbourg (of Nymphomaniac (2013) fame) and the other was the drab video style. It looked like it was all shot right before a rainstorm or before sunset. There were grey and gritty city scenes and one scene with a foggy road outside the city that I thought were amazing. Camera-work was wonderful, but writing was absolute trash. I rate this poor because that last sentence describes it perfectly. You really should not watch this unless you have more of a thing for Charlotte Gainsbourg than I do.

Daddy Day Camp A.K.A. Daddy Day Care 2 (2007)

An American comedy directed by Fred Savage, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lochlyn Munro, Richard Gant, Paul Rae and Brian Doyle-Murray.
A father running a day care decides that his son must attend the summer camp that he attended. He buys it from the previous owner and has trouble with the leader of the neighboring camp. He has problems with his military father, but calls him in to help anyway. This is all leading up to an olympiad sporting competition between the two camps.
Hokey and sappy beyond reason. I get that the filmmakers were trying to make a kids camp film like the plethora of 1980s examples of this genre. However, it did not succeed in this goal because about 20 years have passed since this genre was a viable option. It has 1% on Rotten Tomatoes and is considered one of the worst sequels. The only film that I liked Cuba Gooding Jr. in was As Good as It Gets (1997) because he played outside his character, ordering Jack Nicholson around. This did have the physical and toilet humor of 1980s kids camp films, but something besides that turned my stomach. I think that bad writing and dialogue combined with modern, sleek production to create something deeply unholy. 1980s films of the genre used good writing and dialogue with crappy production to create something that felt more real. I rate this bad because it's not the worst, but very close. Don't watch it.

Cocktail (1988)

An American romance directed by Roger Donaldson, starring Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown and Elisabeth Shue.
A young man returns from the military and is looking to get rich. Turned down by corporate employers, he finds a job and a friend at a small bar. They have trouble with women together, separate, and the friend finds him again in Jamaica. The main character has just met a new woman and the friend is married. On a bet, the main character flirts with a woman at the bar, ruining his relationship with the other woman he met. Everyone goes back to New York to continue their problems.
This was just one cliche after another. It is on a list of worst films and has won a Golden Raspberry award. I don't think it's that bad, but it is definitely not good. The production was all to my liking in sight and sound, except for the friend's letter being read too quietly. The writing and dialogue were not very good, but not the worst I've seen. What bothered me most was the bartender being inundated with drink orders to the point that he can't keep up when he is learning. Once he knows his job, the drink orders suddenly seem to have time to wait for him to spin bottles and dance. I rate this tolerable because it was. You might not want to watch it.

Class Act (1992)

An American comedy directed by Randall Miller, starring Kid 'n Play (Christopher Reid and Christopher Martin), Doud E. Doug and Pauly Shore.
As an "urban retelling of Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper", an office mishap switches the school files of a criminal and a dork. They agree to keep the switch going and help one another fit their new roles.
I thought this was entertaining and funny. It may have something to do with Doug E. Doug and Pauly Shore. Pauly shore was actually repeating some lines from Encino Man (1992), complete with pauses and the same lines he was saying on the motorcycle ride into school with Dave. The timeless premise split off into comedic situations in which the wrong guy did something right which the right guy would not have been able to do. Being from my favorite era of films (late '80s to early '90s), I thought the production was handled well. I could hear and see everything very well and it held my attention. I don't feel the need to go on and on about liking this. I rate it good. Watch it.

Che! (1969)

An American war film directed by Richard Fleischer, starring Omar Sharif and Jack Palance.
Che Guevara and Fidel Castro are revolutionaries.
Boring. Too much politics and war. The video looked fine and I could hear everything, but it held my attention like a wet paper bag holds axes. There was a farmer with some really good lines at the end. He said that Che and his revolutionaries as well as the Bolivian army have disrupted his goats. He wants them all to just leave so his goats will produce milk again. That was the only good part. I rate this bad. Don't watch it.

Chaos (2005/2006)

A British Canadian American crime action directed by Tony Giglio, starring Jason Statham and Wesley Snipes.
There is a bank robbery and a cop who was fired is asked for by the robbers. He gets a new partner and they try to find the bank robbers who escaped after an explosion during the robbery.
Bad audio, probably the worst mixing I've ever heard. There was whispered and mumbled dialogue alternating with loud music, explosions, motorcycles (need those) and guns. Which brings me to my next point: motorcycle chases. Every crappy action flick I've been watching recently has a motorcycle chase scene. It's possible that folks were trying to ride coattails on The Matrix trilogy (1999 - 2003) and Kill Bill (2003 - 2004) because all of these crappy flicks with motorcycle chases were made around that time and those were popular and good films with motorcycle chases. Is there some deep meaning hidden within the motorcycle chase that I'm missing? Most of them slide their bikes to a halt. While stopping, the wheels slide out from under them and the body scrapes across the pavement, creating sparks. I usually like Jason Statham's acting, but his dialogue must have been under my hearing threshold in this. That's all there was to that movie. I couldn't understand much of what anyone was saying because the audio was so bad. I rate it bad. Really, don't watch it.

Seedpeople (1992)

An American Full Moon science fiction horror directed by Peter Manoogian, starring Sam Hennings.
A scientist arrives in a secluded rural town for a meeting about meteorites. One of the residents presents him with a similar item which turns out to be a seed. One of the seeds has sprouted and is taking over people's minds.
This was pretty standard for the company and time. The standalone films made by Full Moon were not usually very good. Most of them (like this one) were under-budgeted, poorly written and had bad acting. The video quality was also usually poor. The only interesting fact was that one of the seed monsters was played by a man with no legs. There is really no more to say about this. I rate it poor and you probably should not watch it.

Catwoman (2004)

An American crime action directed by Pitof Comar, starring Halle Berry, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy and Sharon Stone.
A woman working for a cosmetic company overhears company secrets and is killed. A new life is given to her by a cat and she becomes a superhero, working to prevent the cosmetic company from releasing a dangerous product. While this is going on, she is beginning a romantic relationship with a cop who is trying to find her.
This is among the worst crap I have ever watched. Between piss poor writing, terrible acting and decreased continuity editing, it ranks right there next to The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987). This is from a worst films list and I agree, it does belong there. Given that this is a steaming pile of crap, I feel justified in being as bigoted and racist as I want. Besides, the movie had to put this racist moment in for me to notice it. When Halle Berry sees the necklace in the jewelery store window, I was reminded of a scene from The Secret of NIMH (1982) when Jeremy (the crow) sees Mrs. Brisby's new necklace and says "I've always wanted a sparkly of my very own!" (image). Halle's white co-worker also speaks more black than her. That's just bad writing, though. When I was in school, I was told in video classes that average shot length is 3 seconds and that was called "increased contiuity editing". I call it decreased because flashing, disjointed close-ups are disorienting at best. This film used that technique through the entire duration. It would be difficult to find a clip that went over 3 seconds without cuts. My last point is the motorcycle scene. It's mandatory for all crappy action flicks to have a motorcycle scene. See my review of Ecks vs. Sever for more discussion on this. I rate this shit because I watched it all the way through, wishing that I had turned it off about 3 minutes in. DO NOT WATCH!

Cabin Fever (2016)

An American horror remake directed by Travis Z.
A group of young people are vacationing at a cabin in a rural area. There is a disease in the water which destroys their skin.
I liked the 2002 version directed by Eli Roth much more. What I liked most was the ending with a truck full of water from the lake leaving town. This one was just too simple, with everyone just freaking out and dying and that was it. The production looked good and the audio was mixed well, but the soundtrack music was really annoying. Beer was a real issue in this. There seemed to be only and always 2 6-packs on hand. The 6s were bought at the store, the group had their party and then one of them took the same 2 6 packs into a shed to hide from whatever was going on. The only thing that I really liked about this was the sick dog (image). I think that leaving out the open ending really ruined this film. I was looking forward to it all the way through. I rate this poor because it's just not worth watching.

Bolero (1984)

An American romantic drama directed by John Derek, starring George Kennedy.
A young woman has just graduated from college and inherited her family's wealth. She goes first to the middle east and then to Spain, looking to lose her virginity. She meets a man in Spain and they fall in love, but he is seriously injured in a bull fight.
I have seen films claimed to be the best that were worse than this. Obviously, this is claimed to be the worst. It has 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and has won Golden Raspberry awards. The production looked and sounded fine. I could hear and see what was going on. There were even some unique stylistic decisions like silent movie text screens when she was with the shiek. The plot was clear and the characters had a little bit of development. Not much, but some. The writing was alright, but the dialogue was a little hokey. There were some sex scenes, but they were done tastefully. I'm not saying it was great, but I don't see what was so bad about it. I rate it o.k. because it's a regular movie that I thought was alright. You may want to check it out if you don't have something better to watch.

Bio-Dome (1996)

An American comedy directed by Jason Bloom, starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin.
A pair of young men accidentally get locked in an ecological experiment with scientists for a year.
Not bad. First, a quick observation on Pauly Shore films. In this as well as Encino Man (1992), Pauly Shore plays an entertaining idiot whose best friend is just a plain idiot. I'm not specifying whether the idiot is Dave or Link. Maybe it's both. Regardless, the idiot friend has much less dialogue than Pauly. I'm not sure about his other films and should probably add them to my list. The plot of this film had many smaller branches shooting off from the basic premise. The characters were mostly shallow and static, but some of them did change a little bit. Camerawork and editing looked good to me, but I like the time period in film that this is from. Audio was mixed well and there was some variety to the soundtrack music. However, it was mostly mid-'90s pop songs that sucked and got overplayed. There was some bisexual innuendo to mention. The guys are in a car and talk about "going both ways". Given that they have girlfriends and are clearly in love with one another, it is believable. I rate it adequate just for being entertaining. If you haven't seen it, you might want to check it out, but it is listed among the worst films ever made.

Ben and Arthur (2002)

An American drama by Sam Mraovich.
A gay man is trying to marry his partner and the man's brother tries to stop him from being gay.
One of the worst. I mean it this time. The production looked like it would have gotten a failing grade in a freshman video class. What aggravated me the most about this was improper white balance (image). Some folks say that Sam would have been better off filming on a phone and I agree because the phone would at least have auto white balance. The acting was even worse and worse than that was writing. Everything about it was terrible and other critics agree. The only thing that I found amusing was the brother taping a "gay love antidote" to the door. It reminded me of Brad Neely's web cartoon, Baby Cakes Sees a Play in which the king and his "hyper little idiot" were given "elixirs, tinctures and gay love antidotes" complete with a "FEMME WANT" label on the bottle. Other than that, this movie was painful to watch. I rate it shit because I wanted to turn it off through the entire duration. DO NOT WATCH!

Battleship (2012)

An American science fiction directed by Peter Berg, starring Alexander Skarsgard, Tadanobu Asano and Liam Neeson.
A signal is sent into space and hostile aliens arrive on Earth. A NAVY guy leads his crew to fight them.
Let's start with similarities to the game: The alien bombs were shaped like pegs and there was a few minute section of trying to guess the location of enemy ships. This is in a 2 hour duration. Great job on making a movie out of the game. It was hokey and cheesy, the writing sucked and the dialogue was trite and predictable. The soundtrack had way too much AC/DC for my taste and the plot was really choppy. The CG was obvious like being slapped in the face with it. It all looked so fake that I can't tell which images are screenshots and which are promotional ad images. Does it matter? What a piece of shit. If I were making a movie from the game, it would be dogma 95 and have 2 people in a room playing the game. They would be involved in some sort of intense conversation while doing so and why they were playing Battleship would never be mentioned. I'm seeing Steve Buscemi and Tilda Swinton directed by Jim Jarmusch. That's the only way I think it would work. I rate this movie shit. DO NOT WATCH!

Batman & Robin (1997)

An American action film directed by Joel Schumacher, starring George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle and Uma Thurman.
Batman and Robin face Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane with the help of Alfred's niece, Barbara.
This was cheesier than the 1960s TV show. Everything was "over the top", except for a few whispered dialogue scenes. My favorite part was Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. His one liners were great and he did a great job of playing the villain. I think that casting Uma Thurman in a low brow flick like this is an insult. I'm so used to seeeing her in much better stuff. In general, this was almost so bad it became good. A little bit more hokey and I would have been laughing through the entire duration. By the end, I was wishing that there had been "BIFF' and "KAPOW" pop-ups to at least make it more authentic. I rate this bad. Don't watch it.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

A German Canadian American action directed by Wych Kaosayananda A.K.A. Kaos, starring Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu and Terry Chen.
Secret agents fight over family members and a microscopic device which kills people.
Total crap. The director and writer, Wych/Kaos (see above) and Alan B. McElroy have only been involved in terrible action films like this one. It was light on plot and heavy on action. Lucy Liu's high kicks were a sign of the times, but her origami is Japanese and she is Chinese. I think this was part of a theme of appealing to the lowest common denominator. An action film without much plot has an Asian actress, so she must know martial arts and origami, right? Same with the motorcycle chase. It seemed more like a decision to include a motorcycle chase at this certain time than anything motivated by the plot. The camerawork was great and everything looked fine, even if it was edited very quickly. Production value was great, but writing and directing really fell through. I rate this shit because normally, I would have turned it off as soon as I figured out what it was. I'm currently watching "worst"s, so bring me the biggest dung heap of a film possible. DO NOT WATCH!

Bad Santa 2 (2016)

A British Canadian American crime comedy directed by Mark Waters, starring Billy Bob Thornton and Kathy Bates.
Thurman Merman is still attached to Willie, but Marcus and Willie's mother bring Willie to Chicago to crack a safe for them. Thurman follows him there to find Willie playing Santa again.
This rode the original's coattails and relied too heavily on foul language and sex jokes. It wasn't bad, but it was no longer unique. The first film had introduced the novelty of bad Santa and that's all there should have been. Thurman is no longer funny and there aren't as many truly funny parts because it's all just swearing and sex humor. I know that was part of the first film, but what about when Willie beat up the teenagers or put the ski mask on to enter Thurman's house? Granny was a joke just by being there! I really don't feel the need to write too much about this. If you liked the first, you might like the second. If you REALLY like the first (like I did) you probably won't like the second as much. I rate it o.k.

A Thousand Words (2012)

An American comedy drama directed by Brian Robbins, starring Eddie Murphy.
An extroverted businessman is trying to publish a "new age" writer's book and ends up with a tree in his yard. The tree loses leaves when Eddie Murphy speaks and he is told he will die when all the leaves are gone.
I guess the thought process was that if Jim Carrey couldn't lie in Liar Liar (1997) and that was funny, then if Eddie Murphy can't speak at all, that should be funny too, right? No. It was hokey, cheesy, sappy and shallow. The camera crew and editors did their best to make it seem like Eddie was having these emotional breakthroughs, finding his true self, but it came off too heavy handed. Again, this is supposed to be one of the worst movies and this is closer to how bad movies can get. It was not painful to watch, though. There were some short and slightly funny moments and the camerawork looked good. Again, it comes down to writing. A bad script makes a bad movie and no amount of camerawork, acting, editing or music is going to change that. I rate this bad. Don't watch it.

An American Hippie in Israel A.K.A. Ha-Trempist (1972)

An Israeli adventure written, directed, produced and edited by Amos Sefer.
A hippie arrives in Israel and hitches a ride with a woman. They form a romantic relationship and meet other hippies, but strange men are chasing the American and kill most of the hippie group. The American, his girlfriend and another couple go to a nearby island to "be free", but the island is just a pile of rocks and their boat drifts away. They are unable to swim for the nearby shore because sharks are in the water.
This would have been much better if it was shorter. The pacing was just too slow to hold my attention. About half an hour would have fit the plot nicely and even included the inconclusive ending. The dream sequence had no sound and it was obvious that the actor was doing a real time slow motion effect. He swung a long hammer very slowly at reel to reel machines which were turning quickly. The sharks were the fakest I've ever seen. Their whole bodies were visible and they were not moving. Even having someone underwater holding up a fin would have worked better. The soundtrack featured a repeated song that got annoying by the second repitition. This is another "worst" movie and it did suck, but was definitely better than some I've seen. I rate it bad. Don't watch it.

Amanti A.K.A. Le Temps des amants, A Place for Lovers (1968)

A French Italian romance directed by Vittorio De Sica, starring Faye Dunaway and Marcello Mastroianni.
A woman has travelled from America to Italy and a man she met at the airport joins her on vacation. They fall in love, but the woman's friend is trying to get her to return to America because she is sick. The friend eventually tells the man as well.
Inconclusive. This was on multiple lists of the worst films ever made and I can see why it was not good, but it is nowhere near the worst. Rotten Tomatoes has the worst score for it at 17%. The plot seemed to be built on nothing and went nowhere. The characters did and said lots of things without anything actually being said or done which would change them or the plot. People have criticized the acting, but it was better than Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017). These people seemed like they at least pretended to care what happened, even though nothing did happen. 2 movies into "worst", I'm noticing a trend of dying women falling in love. It may just be random chance, but there may be more to it than that. I rate this poor because it was poorly written and pointless. You really should not watch it.
Why am I watching "the worst movies ever made"? Because I was trying to get good films and ended up with crap. I figure that if I try to get crap, at least I won't be surprised that it sucks. If something good comes "floats to the surface", all the better. I loved Alakazam the Great (1960) and that was listed as worst. I thought Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) was extremely entertaining and that was listed as worst as well. Maybe I find it more entertaining to talk trash about bad films than sing the praises of good ones. I know I'm more impressed by uniqueness than consensus agreement of quality.

A Little Bit of Heaven A.K.A. Earthbound (2011)

An American romance directed by Nicole Kassell, starring Gael Garcia Bernal, Rosemarie DeWitt, Romany Malco, Treat Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Peter Dinklage and Kathy Bates.
A woman finds that she has cancer and falls in love with the doctor.
This was on a list of worst movies ever made, but I have seen far worse, and tons of them. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 4% and Metacritic has 14%. Sure, it was shallow and vapid. The writing and dialogue were terrible. The acting seemed forced and the camerawork and editing looked like the filmmakers thought it was better than it actually was. So great movies like The Breakfast Club (1985) are going along great until the sappy, crappy ending. This was sappy and crappy most of the way through with an amazing ending. I'll just go ahead and spoil it: the woman dies and all of her friends and family have a party "Yay! She's finally dead!" I was thinking it was totally trite until that point. The name of the film comes from one short scene in which a male midget prostitute is hired for the woman with cancer (image). I rate this tolerable because of the ending. You probably should not watch it, though.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)

An American crime comedy directed by Arthur Hiller, starring Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder.
A blind man (Pryor) and deaf man (Wilder) are the only witnesses to a murder. The cops arrest them, but they escape and encounter the real murderers, finding that a gold coin which was dropped in their tip jar was in dispute. They must avoid the cops until they can locate the real criminals.
I thought this was funny in some sections. I also thought it was very standard of the place and time. A good example of this is knowing when the car chase was done because the chase music stopped. It's just all so obvious to anyone who grew up watching late '80s and early '90s movies. Come to think of it, this would have been at home, even in the 1970s. Both actors would have been around and the plot is not specific to 1989. I really like the combination of Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. Their comedy duo worked great in this film because they can both act foolishly and make it seem sincere. The immature chief cop was a character which most folks would not write about, but I found him to be acting rather childishly. "We went to all this trouble to catch them and now you're telling me I can't shoot them?" This was right after a regular deputy has to tell him that the real criminals have been caught. I rate this adequate because I found some of it funny. Watch it if you like comedies made in this era.

Alakazam the Great A.K.A. Journey to the West, Saiyūki, 西遊記 (1960)

A Japanese animated musical fantasy directed by Taiji Yabushita and Daisaku Shirakawa.
The "Journey to the West" story. Goku commits a transgression in heaven, is punished and journeys with his friends to earn honor.
Proto-Dragon Ball! I know it's a traditional Japanese story, but the similarities to the modern anime series are too many to ignore. That's Goku with the power pole and flying Nimbus (image) and Oolong wants to marry a girl, but Goku saves her and takes Oolong with him. It's listed as one of the 50 worst films of all time by someone, but I've seen that list and their taste in movies sucks. I've also seen "best movies" lists filled with worthless crap though. I thought the animation was a little standard, even for the time it was made. Disney was doing cell animations in the 1930s and that's what this was. Obviously, I liked the plot and characters. It's not a traditional Japanese story just arbitrarily. A story has to be good to last a few hundred years. The music mostly sounded too Americanized to me, but it wasn't bad. I watched the version with subtitles and original Japanese audio. There is an American release version with English speaking voice actors and different music. I say it's a perfectly fine movie because it was entertaining, held my attention and made me think of Dragon Ball. I rate it good.