Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006)

An American romantic fantasy by Goran Dukic.
A young man kills himself and goes to a world that is just like ours, only shittier. He befriends a man at a bar who was a musician. Later he finds out that his girlfriend committed suicide as well and the 2 friends go looking for her. They pick up a young woman who is hitchhiking and looking for the People In Charge so that she can go back to being alive because she accidentally killed herself. I'll let you infer the ending instead of outright spoiling it.
Such style! Such grace! I didn't believe it was possible in America! This reminds me of Y Tu Mama Tambien, Amores Perros and Amelie, all foreign films. Everything fits together so nicely and smoothly. The plot, the characters, the style... so cohesive that it makes me want to watch it for the first time again right after it finishes. This is a keeper, folks. I rate it best and you need to watch it!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Wind Chill (2007)

A horror directed by Gregory Jacobs, produced by George Clooney.
A young man tries to get a girl to fall in love with him by giving her a ride home from college. They become stranded on a side road and are tormented by ghosts.
I can imagine the filmmakers meeting to discuss thins: "Let's make a mediocre horror film that is so predictable and pointless that the masses will be lulled into acceptance." There was nothing original about it. All of the elements of the film had been used before many times. It's like the filmmakers swallowed other cheesy and pointless horror films in order to shit this one out. I'm rating it bad for mediocrity. 2007 was a very bad year in cinema.

One Bald Faced Lie Amid Truth

It has come to my attention that google knows EVERYTHING I do now. If you don't believe me, read their privacy policies. Basically, we have none and they can see anything they want, even what programs are on your computer.
In light of this development, I must inform my readers about the source of the videos that I watch. I get them from the library. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to be ordered, but I always return them on time and never incur any late fees. I'm being a good boy.
See what I did there? That's the type of behavior that our government does CONSTANTLY. It's called a lie and they spread them on thick.

The Seventh Seal (1957)

A Swedish drama by Ingmar Bergman.
A knight is playing a long game of chess with Death and between moves, he travels with a group of actors. Meanwhile, the black plague is ravaging the general population.
My parents told me to watch this. The film was in Swedish with English subtitles that moved pretty quick. The plot and characters were good and I liked the style. I can't say much about production value because in 1957 they didn't even have color video. I'm rating this adequate because it was quite alright.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Who the Fuck Is Jackson Pollock (2006)

A documentary directed by Harry Moses.
A woman buys a painting in a thrift store and finds out that it could be worth a lot of money. She tries to consult with experts on the value of her painting.
This was very inconclusive, like a discovery channel piece on ancient civilizations. It would have been nice to know whether the painting was or was not by Jackson Pollock, but this information was not given. Documentaries usually supply information, so on that basis, I have to rate this bad. It was entertaining and all, but it did not give any conclusive information.

What Is It? (2005)

An art film by Crispin Glover with music by Anton Szandor LaVey.
There's a retarded guy who pours salt on snails, a dominating jerk and a man in black face makeup who injects himself with snails. Make of it what you will.
When the film started, I hated it. There was almost no plot and the characters were terrible. Also, the production value was horrid. By the end, I LOVED IT! My only question is: where did they get all those retards? About 90% of the characters were actually mentally handicapped. Oh, 2 questions: how did they get the retards to act? This was literally the strangest film I've ever seen and I've seen strange films. For being the weirdest thing to cross my screen, I rate this best.

Welcome to Dongmakgol (2005)

A South Korean war comedy directed by Park Kwang-hyun.
An American pilot crashes his plane in the mountains of Korea and is rescued by people from a village who haven't heard that a war was going on. A few days later, a group of North Korean soldiers and a group of South Korean soldiers also show up in the village.
I liked the premise and the plot was looking to go epic. The characters were a little confusing, but that did not hinder the film. I can't think of anything coherent and intelligent to write right now, but I liked it. I rate it good.

The Weather Man (2005)

An American drama directed by Gore Verbinski, starring Nicolas Cage.
A weather man at a city news channel has a tough life. People throw things at him on the street and ask him about the weather outside of work. He is divorced and his wife hates him. She is in a relationship with another man who also hates him. His son is in out-patient drug rehab and the counselor is a pedophile. His daughter is fat and is made fun of at school, but doesn't know what the insults mean. However, the weather man is in the process of getting a job at a better news channel.
I thought the plot was pointless and the characters were trying to cover every base as far as dysfunction is concerned. The style was "new movie too perfect" all the way. The only thing I liked was that Nicolas cage was in a weak role, his strong point. I'm rating this bad because I think it's stupid.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Waltz with Bashir (2008)

An Israeli animated war film by Ari Folman.
A man who was in a war does not remember anything about it. After talking to a friend who is upset by memories of war, he decides to find the other soldiers and figure out what happened.
The animation was absolutely amazing. It had a unique comic book look to it and was very well done. The plot, which was mostly in story flashbacks was interesting, but the film did not really have a main character. I'm rating this awesome because it's different and very well made.

Vera Drake (2004)

A British drama by Mike Leigh.
A woman performs abortions for girls who are too poor to afford children. When one of the girls gets sick from her services, the mother of the girl snitches on the abortion woman. The police become involved and the woman is arrested.
The audio was very bad and it should have had subtitles. All of the characters whispered as softly as they could and this was done with a cockney accent. Obviously it was difficult to discern the dialogue. The pace was very slow and there were a lot of scenes involving the characters sitting and not saying anything. The plot was unique and some important details about the crime being committed came to light near the end (not spoiling). I'm rating this o.k. because it was on the boring side.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Vanilla Sky (2001)

An American psychological thriller by Cameron Crowe, starring Tom Cruise, penelope cruz, Kurt Russell and Cameron Diaz.
A man gets in a car wreck after cheating on his girlfriend and after that, reality becomes distorted.
This was just plot and character crazy, but the style was "new movie too perfect" all the way through. I thought the plot was interesting, but not good. The characters were likewise. I'm rating this o.k. because it's just a regular, mass produced hollywood movie.

Unleashed (2005)

A kung fu directed by Louis Leterrier, starring and produced my Jet Li, also starring Morgan Freeman.
A man works for a crime boss as his hired muscle. When the man is wearing his collar, he is docile and semi-retarded. Once the collar comes off, he turns into a kung fu fighting machine and attacks mercilessly. While on a job, this man meets a piano tuner and they immediately become friends. The next day, the car that he is riding in with his boss is attacked and he escapes to find the piano tuner who welcomes him into his life. Life with the piano tuner is peaceful and the man forgets fighting. While out shopping the man is abducted by an old business partner and forced back into a world of violence.
The plot and characters were good and (as always with Jet Li) the kung fu was good. I liked the contrast of life as fight/kill animal vs. serene life with Morgan Freeman and his adopted daughter. The style and production value were "new movie too perfect" which I didn't like. The camera-work during the fight scenes was the main offender. It doesn't have to be stationary like '70s and '80s fu, but if it's moving too much I can't appreciate the fu correctly. I'm rating this adequate because the good outweighed the bad by a bit.

The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep (2007)

A fantasy by Jay Russell.
A boy whose father has died in a war finds an egg by the edge of a loch. He brings it home and it hatches into a sea serpent which grows quickly. A military group arrives at the boy's home and sets up camp there. The boy tries to raise the loch-ness monster behind their backs.
This is a pretty standard "family" film for some younger family members to enjoy more than older ones. I thought it was decently made, rating it o.k. and really don't see the need to write a long review.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Taxidermia (2006)

A Hungarian drama by Gyorgy Palfi.
3 generations of a family are shown in their strange lives. The grandfather is a military orderly during world war 2, the father is a speed eating champion and the son is a taxidermist.
Yuck. This film showed gross and disgusting things nearly constantly. The orderly was always masturbating, the speed eater always puked up the food that he just ate and when he got old and too fat to move, he was raising giant speed eating cats. The taxidermist was the most disturbing, but I won't ruin the plot. If you're looking for a crazy and disgusting film, this is it. I'm rating it good for being just that weird.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Adventures of Tha Blue Carpet Treatment (2007)

An American musical by Snoop Doggy Dogg.
The songs from Snoop Dogg's Tha Blue Carpet Treatment are set to a lewd and violent cartoon style animation.
I love it! Cartoons and smooth rap? It's a match made in the LBC ghetto in this case. All of the female characters' butts and breasts bounce to the beat of the music and all of the male characters are related to gang activity. Blue is obviously a prominent color, associating with the crips. Is it uncool for a white boy to like this? I rate it awesome.

Solace (2006)

A South Korean romance by Byeon Seung-wook.
A woman whose father died left the family with unpaid debt. Her sister wants to get married. A man runs a pharmacy and lives with his mother and retarded brother. The 2 characters form a romantic relationship.
Things move pretty slowly in this slightly odd film. Not much changes besides the romance and almost every detail of their everyday lives is shown. On a side note, Bacchus is a real South Korean energy drink (actually called Bacchus-F) and is similar to red bull and other similar beverages. I'm rating this poor for being on the boring side.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Rating System Update

I've changed my rating system again and here's how it goes:
Best: These films are the cream of the crop and the best of the best. It takes a lot to get here and mostly, it's reserved for directors that I like: Jodorowsky, Bakshi, Plympton... and actors like Tony Jaa and Uma Thurman.
Awesome: These films go beyond their call of duty. Something is unique and special. Obviously I like that.
Good: We know good movies when we see them. They satisfy every aspect of film exactly. It's something a little unique and definitely enjoyable.
Adequate: I don't mind watching adequate films. They're pretty good, but nothing really special.
Curve-ball: I don't get it. These films are made well, but I don't like them. They have convoluted plots and confuse me. Basically, I don't know how to rate them.
O.K.: Your standard fare. It's alright and everything's fine. No real problems.
Poor: There's something wrong. Maybe the pacing is wrong, maybe it's boring. Just a little defect to make it not all that great.
Bad: I don't like it. I probably watched the whole thing without any interest because there was something really wrong. Maybe I really didn't like it.
Shit: This is where films compete for the title of "Worst Film Ever". I may have turned it off and I definitely hated it.

Thirteen Conversations About One Thing (2001)

An American drama by Jill Sprecher.
A group of seemingly unrelated people in New York City live their lives around a single plot.
The plot is convoluted and there are too many characters. I would probably have to watch this like 3 times to understand it completely. Watching it once with long breaks in between sessions did not lead to any type of understanding at all. The production was just short of "new movie too perfect", but I think that's just as it should be. I don't know what to make of this, so I'm giving it my new pink rating for curve-balls.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Wrestler (2008)

An American sports drama by Darren Aronofsky starring Mickey Rourke.
An aging wrestler who is till wrestling long after his fame has a heart attack. He tries to reunite with his daughter and woo a stripper while continuing his chosen career.
The plot and characters are awesome. The style perfectly conveys what the main character is feeling and the '80s metal soundtrack is definitely appreciated. When a movie is as simple and good as this there isn't much to say. I rate it best.

Titan A.E. (2000)

An American partially CG animated science fiction by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman.
The earth is destroyed by aliens and one of the few remaining humans has a map on his hand to find the means of making a new planet. The shady captain of a ship picks him up and they try to find the planet maker.
I remember liking this a lot more when I was younger. Now it seems too Disney to me. The plot and characters are stereotypical, but the style is kind of cool. I like the drawn animation, but could go without the pure CG stuff. I'm rating this adequate.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

An animated film by Silvain Chomet.
A young boy is secretly obsessed with bicycles so his mother gets him a tricycle. Skip forward in time. The boy has grown into a young man and his mother is helping him train for the Tour de France. On the bicycle race, he is abducted by American gangsters and forced to ride a stationary bike for the betting pleasure of other gangsters. His mother and dog follow him and try to get him back with the help of aged pop singers.
This is one of the best movies ever made. The animation style is unique and although it is in French, there is so little dialogue that subtitles are not needed. Think about that for a second: a movie so good that you don't need to know what anyone is saying! I noticed that all of the characters are either fat or thin and there is nothing in between. The character design is absolutely awesome. Some of the people pictured within are totally grotesque and I wouldn't have it any other way. I rate this video masterpiece best.

Quid Pro Quo (2008)

A drama by Carlos Brooks.
A paraplegic radio reporter hears about a man who wants his leg cut off and investigates the story. Through the person who informed him of this, he meets a group of people who want to be handicapped as well. Finally he meets the informant and finds that she wants to be handicapped too.
The plot and characters fit very well and the story developed very coherently. The style wasn't bad and the production value was just short of "new movie too perfect". Basically everything fits together and it is a well-made film. However, I don't like it. This is a matter of personal preference that I have not yet used on here. I'm trying to be honest and fair about my reviews and have to start a new color for curve-balls like this.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Snuff 102 (2007)

An Argentinian horror by Mariano Peralta.
A woman researching snuff films meets with a man who knows a lot about them. She looks in one of his books while he is on the phone and finds revealing pictures. He reacts negatively to this and she ends up in one of his films.
Watch this for the ending and the music. The ending is almost what I wanted it to be. I wanted the woman to break free and kill the dude on camera. Not saying what the ending really is (a.k.a. not spoiling). The music is some sort of electronic genre and they use some really cool sounds. The film was a little difficult to get into and I wanted to turn it off for about the first half. During the second half, I wanted to know what happens. The plot is presented all out of order, so you have to watch the whole film to have any idea of what's going on. The opening text says that everything is real, but I have found no confirmation of this and believe that most of it was fake. I'm rating this good for being "thought provoking".

Vampire Cop Ricky (2006)

A South Korean action film by Lee Si-myung.
A mosquito in Transylvania bites a vampire and flies away. It is hit by a Korean airplane and bites a man in Korea. The vampire mosquito gives the korean man vampire powers, but he can only use them when he is sexually aroused.
The premise is great and the cover is absolutely absurd. I thought it was going to be really cool. It was not. There were some funny moments, but overall, it was really boring. The pacing was so slow that no momentum could build up. The main character's name wasn't even Ricky! I'm rating this poor.

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Squid and the Whale (2005)

An American drama by Noah Baumbach.
A husband and wife go through a very messy divorce and their 2 sons have difficult times because of it.
Well, it wasn't mass-produced Hollywood bullshit. The style was actually pretty good. The characters and plot kept me interested, but I felt it was a little inconclusive. I liked how the sons indulged in forbidden pleasures: the older trying to sleep with multiple girls and the younger drinking beer and jerking off. It had it's moments, but wasn't amazing. I rate this adequate. By the way, my Wikipedia boycott is over. They shut down for 24 hours, so I boycotted them for 72. Seems fair, as neither party accomplished anything by inaction.

The Restless (2006)

A South Korean kung fu by Dong-oh Jo.
A wandering man saves a woman from demons and is thanked by her small village. They cite the fact that he is a wanted criminal and they have poisoned his wine. He escapes and falls asleep in a house. When he awakens, he is in Midheaven and is the only living person there. Soon Midheaven is attacked and the wandering man fights to protect a woman there who looks like his ex-girlfriend.
The plot is very complex and I'm sure that some of it was lost in translation. The style is very similar to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, with beautifully peaceful sets and lots of action. There was also a lot of flying and technologically assisted acrobatics. Some CG was used as well. I'm rating it good because I like pretty kung fu flicks.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Tune (1992)

An American musical fantasy by Bill Plympton.
A song writer has writer's block and his boss wants him at a meeting to present new songs in 47 minutes. He drives through a cloverleaf interchange and emerges in a place called Flooby Nooby where he sees psychedelic visions. He tries to recover from his writer's block while attempting to find a way to the meeting.
Plympton is awesome. It's a proven fact. Just as Jodorowsky and Bakshi can do no wrong, neither can Plympton. This film was an excuse for him to goof off with animation, but it's great. That's what he's good at. I'm rating it best. This is a keeper!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Supernova (2000)

A science fiction directed by Walter Hill.
A space rescue ship picks up a man from a moon that was used for mining and an object that the man carried in his ship. The unknown object has imparted super powers on the man and he turns against the crew of the ship that picked him up.
Do I have to review this? (whining) Everything was mediocre. I couldn't find anything that sets this film apart from others on the good or bad side. On the bad side to me is that it's so mediocre. So mediocre that I'm rating it bad. I would love to rip on it all day, but there is nothing to rip on. Film gets bad review for mediocrity: hard ass all the way, baby!

The Missing Person (2009)

An American mystery by Noah Buschel.
A private investigator is told to follow a man who is traveling with a Mexican boy. The investigator then finds out that he is also being followed.
It was a decent film. Not a bad film, but also not a good one. Everything was kind of muted and bland. Hence, not much to write. I'm rating it o.k.

Hair High (2004)

An animated film by Bill Plympton.
A new kid at school offends the popular jock who sentences him to being his girlfriend's slave. The new kid and girlfriend fall in love.
I tried to look this up on Wikipedia. What a joke! Since congress is considering internet censorship, Wikipedia has decided to beat them to the punch and shut down on their own for a day. How stupid!
I really like Bill Plympton's animation style. He over exaggerates things beyond the realms of absurdity into the grotesque. The plot and characters were stereotypical, but in Plympton's style, that doesn't matter. I'm rating this best because Plympton is just that awesome.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (2002)

A South Korean crime drama by Park Chan-wook.
A deaf mute is trying to get his sister a kidney transplant. He sells his kidney to organ thieves who don't pay him and when a suitable donor comes up, he lacks the funds because the organ thieves took all of his money. The brother and sister team kidnap the owner of the factory where our main character was fired from in an effort to raise the money. The sister kills herself and while the main character is burying her (as per her wishes by a river), the kidnapped daughter drowns. It only gets more complicated from there.
Convoluted plot and too many characters don't work out very well here. This is part of a trilogy including Oldboy and Sympathy for Mrs. Vengeance. Needless to say, Mrs Vengeance will not be reviewed here. Because it's overcomplicated and confusing, I rate this bad.

Monday, January 16, 2012

REC (2007)

A Spanish horror by Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza.
An anchorwoman and her cameraman follow firefighters for their TV show. The firefighters respond to a call of a woman trapped in her apartment, but are met with people infected with a disease that causes them to attack other humans.
The production quality was very low on purpose and it hindered the film in this case. The plot and characters were not so great because the premise was stereotypical. I didn't like it, so I'm rating it poor. It didn't piss me off bad enough to deserve a lower rating. 2007 seems to be a particularly bad year for films.

Let the Right One In (2008)

A Swedish horror romance by Tomas Alfredson.
A boy who is bullied at school gets a vampire girlfriend.
If this were an American film (and there is an American remake), it would be total mainstream trash. Since it's Swedish, it isn't like that at all. It's actually a well made and unique film. The characters and plot were good and the premise is really cool. The ending (not spoiling) was definitely not what I expected. The style was a bit strange, but that worked out for the better. The production value looked really good too. Not "way too perfect new movie", but not shoddy either: a nice middle ground to make the film seem realistic. I have to rate this awesome because it truly is awesome.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Perfect Storm (2000)

A disaster directed by Wolfgang Petersen, starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg.
A fishing boat sets out on a job and catches fish, but on the way back, a storm waylays them.
There was a lot of animalistic shouting, as with any disaster film. I didn't find it very interesting at all. The plot was simplistic and the characters even simpler. The style looked like it meant to be a box office cash register breaker and the production value seemed similar. There was "doing important things" music with strings and brass and "disaster theme" music with drums added. I think the whole deal was a cheap ploy to make money. I'm rating it poor for not being about making a good movie.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Big Bang (1987)

An animated science fiction by Picha.
A superhero is sent to earth in a post-apocalyptic future to stop a war that will destroy the universe.
Wikipedia says this film is rated X, but I didn't see anything more lewd than in I Married a Strange Person or Wizards. There are definitely some stereotype jokes that I found amusing though. The weapons used when the countries wage war were dirty jokes in and of themselves. There was also a fictional history based on nuclear war that I found interesting as well. I'm keeping this one, so it gets a best rating.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sunflower (2006)

A South Korean drama by Kang Seok-beom.
A gangster gets out of jail and tries to be good.
The simplistic plot lead to a lot of "lost in translation" things happening. Personally, I thought it was boring as watching grass grow, I'm rating it bad for being not worth watching. I've been a real hard-ass lately and I don't plan on quitting soon.

Claire Dolan (1998)

A film by Lodge Kerrigan.
A high priced prostitute owes money to a man and gets pregnant.
Did I miss something? I watched the whole film and nothing happened! The only change was that the main character got pregnant. There was no plot and the characters were extremely static. Obviously style doesn't have much to do with this and production value doesn't matter. I'm rating it bad because NOTHING HAPPENS!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Street Trash (1987)

An American comedy horror directed by James Muro, produced and written by Roy Frumkes.
A liquor store owner finds a box of old hobo-wine in his cellar and begins selling it. The hobos that drink it instantly liquify and die. Meanwhile, an undercover cop is trying to get rid of a hobo-overlord who lives in a junkyard. The cop is also on the case of a woman who was killed in the junkyard after being taken away from a fancy restaurant by a hobo when she was drunk. The doorman of the restaurant has gotten on the bad side of his boss, who thinks he's in the mafia, for letting the hobo take the woman.
This is quite a piece of cinema! The main character is a hobo who tries to drink the poison wine at every opportunity, but is always prevented from doing so. There is a game of "keep away" with a severed penis and a special song during the closing credits (don't turn it off early). I'm rating this awesome for being totally unique. You've heard of "a diamond in the rough", well in this case, the rough is the diamond.

Ping Pong (2002)

A Japanese sports drama directed by Fumihiko Sori.
Young men compete at table tennis. The 2 main characters have known each other since they were children.
The plot and characters were good. I liked the style a lot and the production value was alright. I'm not really one for sports films, but this one was pretty good. I'm rating it adequate.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Stranger than Fiction (2006)

An American fantasy romantic comedy directed by Marc Forster, starring Will Ferrell, Dustin Hoffman and Queen Latifah.
A taxman goes about his boring life until he hears a voice narrating it. When the voice announces that he is going to die, he seeks the help of a psychiatrist who tries to help him figure out what's going on.
The plot and characters were great and the style was good as well. Dustin Hoffman played a very similar role to that which he played in I Heart Huckabees. I really liked the film and thought it was unique. There was only one problem: Will Ferrell doesn't die. I only spoil the ending because I want him to die in real life. A violent, agonizing, painful, horrible death. He's worse than Christopher Walken. To illustrate this point, in the film he chooses a guitar. What does he choose? A fucking Stratocaster! He looks right past the shred guitar in front of it (probably Ibanez or Jackson) to the poorly engineered strat. What a mainstream twit! I'm rating this good because even Will Ferrell couldn't fuck it up.

Skinwalkers (2006)

A horror directed by James Isaac.
A boy is about to turn 13 years old when a group of bikers attacks his family, hoping to take him away from them. Nanna pulls hard caliburs and a gunfight ensues. It turns out that most of the characters are werewolves and the boy is supposedly magic.
Stupid movie, but I liked grandma's guns. They looked like what Roland in Stephen King's Dark Tower series would carry. They were always in someone's hands, so I couldn't see if they had sandalwood grips. I don't give gunslinger points like I do with CG monsters and female anatomy, so this gets a poor rating.

Shadow of the Vampire (2000)

A horror directed by E. Elias Merhige, starring John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe.
A group of men are making a vampire movie when they discover that their fake vampire is real.
The plot and characters were a little predictable, as they were pretending to be making a film that I've already seen. The style fit the film very well and the production value was good. Willem Dafoe did a good job as Count Orlok and I liked how John Malkovich directed his actors when they were filming scenes. However, the whole thing was a little on the boring side. I'm rating it adequate.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Pervert! (2005)

An American comedy horror by Jonathan Yudis.
A young man goes to his father's house in the desert to spend the summer. The father keeps the company of prostitutes and has an art studio where he makes meat sculptures.
Boobs, breasts, titties and bosoms! I think the breasts in this film got more screen time than in Showgirls. They were definitely emphasized more anyway. The plot and characters were cheesy and the acting was terrible. The style was comical, keeping in line with the premise of the film. Oh, and did I mention the boobs? As with "CG monster points", I'm creating "female anatomy points" and this film gets raised to an o.k. rating because of that.

Soul Plane (2004)

An American Comedy directed by Jessy Terrero, starring Snoop Dogg and Method Man.
When a black man gets his butt stuck in an airplane toilet, the plane has an accident and his dog gets sucked through one of the motors. When he lands, he sues the airline and starts his own with the money he wins. A white family rides the all black airline, piloted by Snoop Dogg.
I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy. The characters were stereotypical and the plot was like a sit-com. The pace was really terrible too, as the scenes bounced around the plane between characters. I have to rate this bad.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Super High Me (2007)

An American documentary directed by Michael Blieden, starring Doug Benson.
A stand-up comic sees the movie Super Size Me and decides to make a similar film about smoking cannabis.
This documentary wasn't so much about what happens to the man involved as it was about his comedy act. I would have to say that half of the film WAS his comedy act. Way to self-promote! The tests that the man took were half-assed and full of guess-work. It is my opinion that this film proves nothing because there are no straight facts presented about anything. On a side note, I would like to see other similarly themed films (done more in the line of Super Size Me) about other drugs: "Super Drunk Me" is at the top of that list, followed by "Super Robo Me" (pertaining to Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide). As a documentary, I have to rate it bad.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Rabbit-Proof Fence (2002)

An Australian adventure by Phillip Noyce.
3 half caste girls are captured in Australia and put in a concentration camp. They escape and try to find their way home by following a fence that stretches across the continent.
I was expecting some Long Walk (Stephen King) suffering, but I was denied. Most of the journey was chopped up and the girls were only shown walking at various points along the route. The characters were shallow and the plot was simple, nothing like what I expected at all. Because I was disappointed so badly, I'm rating it poor.

A Somawhat Gentle Man (2010)

A Norwegian drama directed by Hans Petter Moland, starring Stellan Skarsgard.
A man gets out of prison after doing 12 years for gang-related murder. He quickly reunites with his gang buddies to find a job and a place to live. He is requested to kill the snitch who got him sent to jail, but puts this off as long as he can. He also finds his son who is marrying a woman who thinks this man is dead, not a killer.
The characters were good and so was the plot, but it took a long time to develop. The main character was especially dynamic and gets laid CONSTANTLY. I almost want to kill someone so I can go to jail and have sex multiple times per day with different women when I get out. The style was a little strange, but I don't know what counts as normal in Norway. I'm rating this adequate because I think it's worth watching.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Hesher (2011)

A black comedy by Spencer Susser, starring Natalie Portman.
A boy whose mother died in a car accident is picked on by a bully at school. At home, he lives with his depressed father and benevolent grandmother. One day he disturbs a squatter in a building. The squatter shows up at his house and moves in without consent, but ends up staying for no reason.
The person who recommended this film likes REALLY crappy movies, so I was hesitant to watch it. I'm glad that I did because it's pretty cool. I liked the characters and the strange plot. The style was anything but "new movie perfect" but the production value was good. I had some trouble with the audio levels, but when I like the film, I can let that slide. There were a few cliche moments like the rain starting on queue, but nothing too cheesy. I'm rating this good.

Apollo 18 (2011)

A science fiction directed by Gonzalo Lopez Gallego.
A team of astronauts land on the moon and find a Russian spacecraft and a dead Russian. The items that they leave outside their ship get moved when they are not looking and when one of them goes out to fix the communications, he complains that there is something moving in his suit.
The characters were not identifiable (even though there were so few of them) but the plot was alright. The "found footage" style seemed o.k. in some parts, but in others it was a total mess. The filmmakers' idea of extra terrestrials was slightly comical to me. I call them moon mice and this film does not get CG monster points. I'm rating this o.k.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Paris, I Love You (2006)

A romance directed by Bruno Podalydès, Paul Mayeda Berges, Gurinder Chadha, Gus Van Sant, Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, Walter Salles, Daniela Thomas, Christopher Doyle, Isabel Coixet, Nobuhiro Suwa, Sylvian Chomet, Alfonso Cuaron, Olivier Assayas, Oliver Schmitz, Richard LaGravenese, Vincenzo Natali, Wes Craven, Tom Tykwer, Gerard Depardieu and Alexander Payne, starring Steve Buscemi, Willem Dafoe, Nick Nolte, Elijah Wood and Natalie Portman.
A montage of short stories are shown happening in Paris, France, all involving love and relationships.
This is something special. Blogger wouldn't accept tags for the whole list of directors. If there's going to be a romantic film that I like it had better be set in Paris, the city of love. The styles were awesome (notice styles plural here) and the production value was great, bordering on "new movie too perfect". The short scenes worked out well for this film and each seemed complete on it's own. Together, they create a masterpiece. I have to rate this best because it is to cinema as a royal feast is to food.

Radio (2003)

A sports drama directed by Mike Tollin, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ed Harris.
A retarded black man is found by a football coach near the field. The coach has the man help his team with their practices.
Watching Cuba Gooding Jr. act retarded was funny for a few minutes, but it got old quick. There was too much football for my taste and I could tell that a heart-warming ending lurked at the conclusion of this film. I turned it off, so I'm rating it shit.

Reign of Fire (2002)

An action fantasy directed by Rob Bowman, starring Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey.
A boy visits his mother in the mine where she works when a drilling team hits a cavern. Dragons come out of the cavern and attack the city. Years later, the boy has grown up and is in charge of a fortress full of people, trying to survive in a land ruled by dragons. A group of dragon hunters show up and they work together to fight the dragons.
What we've got here is a mediocre film with really cool CG dragons. The plot and characters are relatively shallow and the style leaves much to be desired, but damn are those dragons cool. I'm instituting a new rule that should have been old by now. I call it the "CG monster rule" and it raises the rating by one increment when the CG monsters are worth watching. Hence, I rate this adequate via the "CG monster rule".