Sunday, August 29, 2010

Bravestarr: The Movie (1988)

An animated science fiction directed by Tom Tataranowicz.
A futuristic wild west lawman opposes an army of outlaws. Both sides of the conflict have a magical leader.
This cheesy 80s cartoon is pretty cool. The styling of the characters and settings was the best part with their names coming in a close second. Names like J.B. (female romantic interest destined for BJs) and Tex Hex (evil's second in command and a play on words with tex-mex). I also thought it was interesting that the shaman lived far away from town in what I would call a reservation and that there were no native American looking characters in town. Anyway, I thought it was cool and I'm rating it good. This is a series for anyone who grew up watching He-Man, Thundercats and Silverhawks. I'm including 3 pictures. 2 of them point out the "horse of undetermined size" and the other is of Stampede, the evil wizard.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Rats (2002)

A horror directed by John Lafia.
When an exterminator is called in to handle a rat problem at a department store, he stumbles upon a larger colony of deadly rodents inhabiting a large section of the city.
Let's see... No character development, cheesy and predictable plot, and an overused setting. Yup, it's shit. They had to animate meanness into the rats with their computers because wild rats are afraid of humans. The snarling rodent shots looked so fake that I had to laugh and the geysers of rats at the end had me in stitches! Please don't watch this.

Ice Spiders (2007)

A science fiction directed by Tibor Takacs.
A ski resort is attacked by giant spiders.
Being a sci-fi channel original, this film had low expectations to live up to. It had to be cheesy, stupid and lame. It fulfilled all of these requirements admirably. Now let's examine it as a movie! Only 3 characters were developed beyond the status of being an extra and the plot was predictable. The spiders were well animated, but it was ever so obvious that they were added later in a computer program. There were some parts that were so bad they were funny and some even worse that weren't. I'm rating this o.k. because it made me laugh. Different films get different ratings for different reasons, live with it or read something else!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

A horror directed by Michael Dougherty.
4 interconnected Halloween stories are told involving people in a small town on Halloween night.
This is exactly what it's supposed to be: cheap thrills. It's a classic Halloween style movie with new special effects. Just take it as it is and enjoy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Suckers (1999 2001)

A drama written by Roger Nygard and Joe Yanetty.
A new employee starts work at a car dealership in an effort to pay off debt that he owes to shady characters. It turns out that despite ripping off the customers, the owner of the dealership is trafficking drugs as well.
This film was made in 1999, but not released until 2001. It's got good plot, good characters, the setting is good and it's one of those films that really keeps your attention. This is one of the films that defines my rating of a good movie. If you're wondering how I decide to give a film a good, solid, green rating, watch this.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Roadracers (1994)

A drama directed by Robert Rodriguez.
A greaser in a small town in the 50s has a Spanish girlfriend and many enemies. The police chief encourages his son (the greaser's main enemy) to kill him.
I could tell by the amount of action who directed this film. The powerful music choices were also a hint. I thought the plot and characters were great, so I'm rating it good.

The Brothers Quay Collection (1979 - 1993)

A set of animations by Stephen and Timothy Quay.
No coherent plot.
Some of the animations were cool, most incoherent and most EXTREMELY boring. Whoever put this DVD together was not thinking of the viewer's sanity when they did so. Crazy and boring at the same time is a new combination for me, so I won't rate it bad, but it's not good enough to be o.k. The picture is of the sick fucks that made this. They resemble their work.

1968 Tunnel Rats (2008)

A war film directed by Uwe Boll.
A group of American soldiers in Vietnam enter the underground tunnels in an effort to kill Vietnamese soldiers. The group falls apart as soldiers die and the survivors are left alone among the Vietnamese tunnel soldiers.
The opening song was interesting and most of the movie felt like it was a beginning to something longer. I was surprised that it ended when it did as I was expecting more. There were some gruesome scenes of mutilation and some general combat scenes. The characters were not developed and the plot was thread-bare. I'm rating it as o.k. because I think it could have been a lot better.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Ben (1972)

A horror directed by Phil Karlson.
A boy adopts the leader of the trained rats from Willard. The police work on tracking down the source of the rats and eliminating them.
The audio content and quality were horrible.
check out: The dialogue of the young couple when Danny enters the sewer.
Animals WERE harmed in the making of this film. The rats sounds included in this film are only made by rats when they are in danger or fighting and I have a sneaking suspicion that what caused the rats to squeak was the boy's awful songs. The only good part of this film was the rat swarm, but that doesn't save it from getting a bad review.

City Rats (2009)

A drama directed by Mohammod Zaman.
The interlocking stories of a few groups of people are shown. A gay guy wants to make his autistic and deaf brother gay like him, an artist interviews a prostitute, etc...
I know the description sounds great, but it's not. Wikipedia calls this a "black comedy" which translates to a "stupid waste of time". I wish I hadn't watched it.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Warlock Series (1989 - 1999)

A horror directed by Steve Miner, Anthony Hickox and Eric Freiser.
A male witch has to collect things to gain enough power to cast his spell. The heroes try to keep him from getting all the pieces and completing the ritual.
The first one was cheesy and lame, but had good plot and characters. Unfortunately, that was as good as it got. The sequels were so lame as to be "C" movies. I'm rating this just above bad, but it's only because the first one was watchable.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Mimic (1997)

A science fiction directed by Guillermo Del Toro.
A genetically engineered insect is released to kill cockroaches which are the cause of a disease. The new insects mutate rapidly and decide that humans are their enemy.
This was just your standard "B" science fiction/horror flick. The characters and plot were decent, but the "monsters" weren't all that impressive. I'm rating it o.k. for blending in with the crowd.

From Dusk till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (2000)

A horror directed by P.J. Pesce.
In the wild west, conflicting characters all seek refuge at the same inn when they are stranded in the desert as night approaches.
This should have been called From Dusk till Dawn 3: Redemption. Let's just say it makes up for how crappy #2 was. Ready for the killer surprise? It went straight to video!

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)

A horror directed by Scott Spiegel.
A group of bank robbers assemble for a job and are gradually turned into vampires after one of their members visits the vampire bar from the first movie.
The characters weren't very memorable and the plot was a little bit unoriginal, so this is definitely not as good as the first film in this series. I'm rating it bad because of this drastic drop in quality and I'm hoping that the 3rd film is at least a little better than this.

Desperado (1995)

An action directed by Robert Rodriguez.
A mariachi with a guitar case full of guns is on a quest to kill the local gang leader. The gang leader knows about this and has his gang try to kill the mariachi.
With an all-star cast and top notch director, this is one of the better mariachi films I've seen. While watching it, I was wondering if it was one of the other ones that I had already seen, but forgotten. They are just so similar. I'm rating this blue for better than o.k., but not quite good. If you like this type of thing, watch Once Upon a Time in Mexico and El Mariachi.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A horror directed by Samuel Bayer.
A group of high school students who all went to the same day care have dreams about the same murderer.
I got a bad copy, but it was just good enough to watch. some of the left side of the screen was missing and the audio was distorting.
I'll review this like it's a new movie and not a remake. It shares it's name with the original, but otherwise it's a new Freddy flick. Freddy is played by a different person and his makeup is different. I'm siding with Wes Craven about this because he voiced disapproval over them not consulting him. The movie itself wasn't bad, but what's a Nightmare on Elm Street film without Wes Craven and Robert Englund? this film is lucky to make it out of the red.

Chronopolis (1982)

An animation by Piotr Kamler.
No coherent plot is evident.
If you're looking for a crazy video, search no further. The animation style is great and everything looks really strange. Definitely worth watching.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wishmaster Series (1997-2002)

A horror directed by Robert Kurtzman, Jack Sholder and Chris Angel.
A djinn is awakened and grants wishes until the awakener wishes 3 times and unleashes all of the demons. The djinn is defeated when he tries to fulfill the prophecy.
This belongs in the 80s horror genre regardless of dates. Ahura Mazda is really a benevolent mythic character from what I read and NONE of the information presented about him in this film turned out to be true. I thought it was cheesy and badly scripted, but so what? I'm rating it o.k. because it occupied some time without pissing me off.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Four Rooms (1995)

A drama directed by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino.
A bell hop at a hotel answers calls to his desk which put him into strange situations.
This is my second viewing of this film. The first time I watched it, I missed the first room. Without spoiling the plot, all I can tell you is: room 1 is witches, room 2 is a husband and wife having problems (which the bell hop only enters because he is told the wrong room to bring ice to), room 3 is a rich family and room 4 is movie stars. The only other fact that I can relate is how GOOD this is. Watch it!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

After Life (2010)

A psychological thriller directed by Angieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo.
A teacher dies in a car accident and wakes up on the operating table in the local morgue. Evidence that she is still alive presents itself at every turn until she is buried. Her cop boyfriend tries to investigate to see if she is still alive.
The undertaker is portrayed as a villain in this film and we can only assume that he is the only one who can communicate with the dead people. He seems to hate the living and the corpses that he works with and takes a young boy as an apprentice because the boy seems drawn to corpses. I thought it was interesting, so I'm rating it good.

The Losers (2010)

An action directed by Sylvain White.
A group of soldiers in Bolivia save children from an enemy base. The helicopter with the children in it is blown up because the men were supposed to be in it. The man who ordered their assassinations is planning to sell new explosives to another group of enemies and the "dead" men go after their new enemy.
This is Hollywood bullshit supreme. This film is an excuse to glorify alcohol, violence and the military while re-enforcing the lie that terrorists are small groups of extremists that are not tied to any government or military. Obviously, I don't like it.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Ong Bak 3 (2010)

A kung fu directed by Tony Jaa and Panna Rittikrai.
Our brave hero, Tien is captured and tortured. As he is about to be executed, he is rescued and taken to a village where he is healed. He regains his health and goes out to challenge the bird fighter.
The audio was in Thai and subtitles had to be tracked down, but they were not very good.
check out: Tony's transcendent kung fu skills.
I had heard that there would be a "boneless" fight, but it didn't happen. Instead, there was a dancing style fight. The second to last fight is the most violent as Mr. Jaa's only armor is the blood of his enemies. This is a sequel to Ong Bak 2, so the plot won't make much sense unless you've watched that first. As would be expected in any good kung fu, plot is secondary to training and fight scenes, so it's o.k. to watch this before #2 if you must. I'll go ahead and rate it awesome because Tony Jaa can do no wrong.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Black Death (2010)

A horror directed by Christopher Smith.
Boromir rides into a plague ridden town with his gang of badasses and recruits a young monk to lead them to a village that is not infected with the plague. The inhabitants of this village are supposedly necromancers.
The audio was horrible despite my normalizer and the video shook like they only used hand held camcorders to shoot it.
This was pretty bleak and dismal. The plot was absolutely tragic. So, despite the horrid quality, I'm rating it good for being gother than fuck. I would write more about it, but anything that I could mention would spoil a surprise.

Centurion (2010)

An adventure directed by Neil Marshall.
A large group of Roman soldiers is led into an ambush and only 7 men survive the attack. They then try to escape from the Picts that are chasing them.
There was a lot of violence and bloodshed in this movie. I could see how big the budget must have been by how "perfect" everything looked. I was unimpressed. This is the type of mass produced Hollywood bullshit that I try to warn people against with my blog. I'm rating it o.k. for fitting in with the crowd.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Woman in Black (1989)

A horror directed by Herbert Wise.
A lawyer goes to settle the affairs of a woman who has died. Her house in in a marsh that everyone is afraid of. While the lawyer is there, he hears and sees disturbing things.
This was pretty boring. There was only one scary scene in which a ghost visits the lawyer in his bed while he is staying at the marsh house. It was goth as fuck and tragic too, so I'm not rating it bad. It's in that middle ground between bad and o.k.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Phantom Tollbooth (1970)

An animated adventure directed by Chuck Jones, Abe Levitow and Dave Monahan.
A latch-key child goes home and while he is on the phone with a friend, a package arrives in his room. He opens it to find a car and a tollbooth. When he drives through the tollbooth, he turns into a cartoon and is transported to a cartoon world which is compartmentalized like school.
check out: The animation style used for the demons near the end.
I have unanswered questions about the plot of this movie and there will be spoilers. The main one is: If the princesses flew out of the castle in the air so easily, why did they need this kid to rescue them? Why does the discord character sing in key? Why does the math wizard sing at all? What purpose does the humbug serve on this quest? Besides it's obvious failings in the logic department, this was alright. The animation was really well done without the use of any computers. I'm rating it as one of the better o.k.s. I really have to come up with a category between o.k. and good. I've decided that better than o.k., but not quite good is blue.

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Joneses (2009)

A drama directed by Derrick Borte.
A fake family moves into a new neighborhood where their job is to make people want the things that they have. At first they are doing great, but then things begin to fall apart for them.
a/v was fine.
You know the old phrase, "keeping up with the joneses". Well, that's what this movie is about. The premise was really cool, but after that, it went downhill. The soundtrack was horrible and some of the things that the actors did seemed really fake, like they were trying way too hard. I'm rating it o.k. because I like the premise and the idea of the "perfect" family not being as perfect as they seem.

The Others (2001)

A psychological thriller directed by Alejandro Amenabar.
2 children live with their mother in a large house. The children are not allowed to see daylight and when new servants arrive, they are introduced to procedures that keep light out. The girl sees and talks to ghosts and when the mother notices strange things happening, new facts come to light.
a/v was fine.
This film had great set and setting. It was goth and gloom all the way through. Unfortunately, everything else about it was mediocre. It just barely makes it to o.k. by the setting. Otherwise, I would have to say bad.

Heavy Traffic (1973)

An animated drama directed by Ralph Bakshi.
A young artist who lives in New York city with his fighting parents gets a black girlfriend. His father, who is in the mob tries to put a price on his son's head.
This film mixes various animation styles with live action. Thoughts of the characters and songs heard by them turn into mini-episodes of animation. There are lots of sexual situations prtrayed in this movie, but they are all done in Bakshi's classic style. Now let's see... a Ralph Bakshi film... How could I possibly rate it?
Better than good! This was AWESOME!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Lady in White (1988)

A mystery directed by Frank LaLoggia.
A boy is locked in a closet at school and sees ghosts before someone attempts to murder him. He must unravel the mysteries that he experiences there.
The audio and video were bad.
Most of this film was shot near where I live. It's a B movie at best and didn't hold my interest very well. I'm rating it bad for being stupid and boring.

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

A mystery directed by William Castle.
A rich man invites strangers to stay in a haunted house for the night in order to win money.
The video was in black and white.
check out: The difference between this and the 1999 remake.
Having watched the 1999 film first, I must make some type of comparison. If the newer one had followed this plot faithfully, where would they have used all that CG that they needed a giant budget for? How would 1959 audiences have viewed a black man being involved in this? How would 1999 audiences react to the absence of an actual haunting? Cultural differences aside, this film was a much more modest affair. I didn't dislike it enough to rate it bad, so it's MUCH better than the 1999 remake.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Book of Eli (2010)

An action film directed by Albert and Allen Hughes.
A man carrying the last bible in a post apocalyptic world runs into trouble in a town that he walks into.
The audio was bad until I found the normalizer on my media player, so I may eliminate this section of my posts, unless film quality dictates that I note it. The video was great.
check out: The surprise plot-twist. I can't tell you what it is, but it's definitely worth watching this for. In another interesting point, our brave hero feeds cat meat to a rat.
This film was bleak and epic. The characters and plot were very good. There were fights, but that's not what this movie was about. They did, however do a good job with the physical conflict scenes. I'm rating it good because I see no reason to do otherwise.

Chappaqua (1966)

An experimental film by Conrad Rooks.
A man goes to a French clinic because he has problems with drugs.
The audio and video were a mess.
I said I wanted to see a "psychedelic spiritual quest", not a "psychedelic spiritual mess"! This film was totally incoherent, but there were some pretty sights and sounds involved. Unfortunately, they weren't beautiful enough to save it from getting a bad review.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Rampage (2009)

A thriller directed by Uwe Boll.
A young man decides that most of the town he lives in needs to die. He blows up the police station, robs a bank, kills innocent people and blames it all on a friend.
the audio was low, but the video was good.
This was pretty cool. Despite the eugenics overtones, there was plenty of action. The camera work was shitty, but what do you expect from a new movie? I'm rating it good because it was interesting. The idea of some guy going out and killing everyone he sees can't be boring.

Ninja Assassin (2009)

An action film directed by James McTeigue.
An woman is investigating a group of ninjas and is saved by a rebel from this group when the ninjas attack.
The audio and video were o.k.
There were lots of weapons used in this movie. Guns, swords and shuriken took the central role, while characters were pushed aside in favor of more violence. It's a typical action flick, so if you want fights and bloodshed, you've got it.

Humboldt County (2008)

A drama directed by Darren Grodsky and Danny Jacobs.
A man is kidnapped by a woman who he has a 1 night stand with. She takes him to where her family lives and grows cannabis. At first the man tries to leave, but eventually grows to like living there.
The audio was terrible, but the video was good.
This is one of the more intelligent pot movies that I've seen, so I can't rate it bad. But it didn't have that special something that would have made it stand out. Character development is the main part of this as the main character changes the way his mind works by adapting to his surroundings. I'm saying it's one of the better o.k.s.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Case 39 (2009)

A horror directed by Christian Alvart.
When a girl's parents try to kill her, the social worker for the case adopts the girl and finds out that she is a demon when people start dying.
The audio and video were good.
The orphan in this film really reminds me of Esther from the movie Orphan (2009), but I looked it up and they are different people. Other than that, this isn't anything special. It's getting an o.k. for blending in with the crowd. Another mediocre movie gets a mediocre review.

Begotten (1991)

A horror directed by E. Elias Merhige.
Dirty things get dirtier through the use of violence and sexual perversion.
The audio and video were so bad that it was obviously intentional. The crickets were REALLY ANNOYING!!!
This was suggested by the same source as Tetsuo: The Iron Man and I spent the whole time waiting for it to end so I could write a slanderous review of it. We were talking about crazy movies when they suggested these 2 and I have doubts about their definition of crazy. Disgusting is a more accurate term. The lack of dialogue and excessive use of cricket sounds combined with shoddy camera work and an intense video editing process that took more time than it was worth ensure failure. The best way to describe this is like dark lo-fi black metal. It's intended for a narrow audience and makes anyone else feel sick. Imagine a video representation of Burzum's first album.

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

A comedy directed by Grant Heslov.
A reporter finds out about the new earth army and project jedi from a man who he meets while reporting on the war in Iraq. This man brought a curse upon the whole project by using his powers for evil purposes and relates the story of what happened as the 2 men in Iraq are captured by Iraqis and rescued by the military.
The audio and video were good.
The film starts with a statement about more of it being real than you could imagine and I know this to be true. The American government and military have more secrets than ANYONE could imagine and I've seen the new earth army's website. Anyway, back-story develops as the film progresses and the characters are memorable. The plot wasn't too bad either. This film is just good enough to get a green rating. I liked it.

Greenberg (2010)

A comedy drama directed by Noah Baumbach, starring Ben Stiller.
Ben stiller house-sits for his relatives, talks to old friends and has an affair with his relative's assistant.
The audio and video were fine.
This movie made me want to kill Ben Stiller. He ranks right along side the Walken beast on my list of most hated actors. He's an ugly piece of shit and his face lacks emotion (just like Christopher Walken!). The rest of the movie didn't matter because it was all tainted by this jackass.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

A science fiction directed by Shinya Tsukamoto.
Metal takes over people's bodies as they fight, fuck and feed. While this is going on, stop motion animation and fast camera-work fight the forces of logic and reason.
The audio was in Japanese with English subtitles and the video was in black and white.
check out: is that the power dong from "Dead Leaves"?
I was told to watch this movie because it's crazy and I have no doubts about that fact. The type of crazy involved, however, is what is in question. I prefer the "psychedelic spiritual journey" type of crazy over the "low budget how shocking can we make it" type of crazy. I'm giving this an o.k. because the level of insanity is correct, but the type is not compatible with me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

A thriller directed by F. Gary Gray.
A man's wife and daughter are murdered and he takes his revenge on everyone who is involved in this plot.
The audio and video were o.k.
This movie starts with an event in the past, then shows further into the future and fills in the gap as it goes. The camera work and the story telling part of it were great. There was a lot of violence, gore and explosions as well. I'm reluctantly marking it as good. The thing that makes me hesitate is that I've seen way too many murder/court case movies.

Kite OVA (1998)

An anime directed by Yasuomi Umetsu.
A project monarch sex slave/assassin is abused by her controller between missions and meets a boy who is also an assassin.
The audio was good, but the video showed a little too much (even for my tastes).
This is a little outside the range of what I normally review because of the pornographic element to it. I'd rather not see graphic depictions of cartoon characters having sex. Otherwise, it was cool. There was lots of action and blood-spray and a decent plot. I'm rating it o.k. for being good, but showing things that I'd rather not see.