Monday, May 31, 2010
A horror comedy written and directed by Glenn McQuaid.
A pair of grave robbers get into robbing from the undead for higher profits.
The audio was a little on the whisper-blast side, but the video was good.
check out: The mist/fog. They do a brilliant job with it.
Horror comedies are usually good, but this one just rubbed me the wrong way somehow. My attention might not have been all there, or maybe it's just because it's so new. Whatever it was, I would like to rate it the same as "Dead Poets Society". It should have been great, but something went wrong.
A horror directed by John Simpson.
A boy with a gory sense of humor is made fun of as a child, then tries to kill the girls who made fun of him many years later.
The audio and video were fine. The subtitles were good too.
check out: The fake gore at the end.
This is one of those cheesy B horror flicks that come out all the time and never amount to anything. If you like that sort of thing, go ahead and watch it. Otherwise, this is a good one to skip.
A thriller directed by Peter Cornwell.
A family with a sick older son moves into a haunted house. The son experiences most of the hauntedness, but is disbelieved because he is going through treatment for cancer that could cause hallucinations.
The audio and video were good. It came with subtitles, but they didn't work.
check out: Ghost crabs at the doctor's office. I guess they were successful in treating some cases of sexually transmitted diseases.
I saw this same story on TV a while ago, but don't remember what it was called. I do remember that it was totally different from this movie. I also remember the speed metal that the older son listens to in it. I'm rating this o.k. because they could have made it scarier, but the special effects were pretty good quality, despite the large quantity.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A psychological thriller directed by Gore Verbinski.
A woman who watches a video that is rumored to kill viewers decides to get to the bottom of this phenomena.
The audio and video were good.
check out: The infamous film is pretty cool, but is that a box of animated penises I see?
This was a lot scarier when I watched it a long time ago. Now it fits into that category of early 2000s "supposed to be scary" movies. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just that there are so many better movies that it's not good.
A science fiction directed by Christian Alvart.
Some of a spaceship crew awaken aboard the ship. The earth is gone and feral mutants roam the ship in search of living food.
The video was awesome, but the audio skipped in some parts.
check out: Waiting for the swiftly approaching enemy to jiggle the electricity to life in order to make an escape.
It's new, Hollywood and pro-eugenics, but I liked it anyway. There was enough action to keep me entertained. Also, watch for the plot-twist ending.
A science fiction directed by Robert Rodriguez and produced by Quentin Tarantino.
A small group of people gather and fight for their lives when a chemical weapon is released into the air.
the audio and video were very good.
check out: The 3 "friends" that work fast.
Remember how I wanted to see a disaster movie with smart people doing the right things and not getting killed? This is that movie. It's difficult to find something I don't like about this. If you like "Deathproof", "From Dusk till Dawn", or "Kill Bill", you'll like this. There's lots of action and well written dialogue. Enjoy.
A horror directed by Jaume Collet-Serra.
A rich family with 2 children adopts a 3rd child. Things start to go wrong when they bring her home.
The audio and video were good.
check out: Esther's artwork.
This isn't too bad for such a new film. The volume levels were good, they abstained from special effects and the plot was kind of cool. I'm not saying rush out on a quest to watch it, but if you get a chance, you'll probably like it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
A drama directed by Jon Amiel.
Charles Darwin is writing his "Origin of Species" book and has a sick daughter with whom he is very close.
The video was good. The audio was whisper-blast. I can just imagine the actors having to re-do scenes because they could be heard.
check out: The sick daughter slept with fluoride in her mouth? Are they trying to kill her or cure her?
This one was pretty boring, but better than some that shall not be mentioned here. It's o.k. to fall asleep in front of.
A drama directed by Lance Hammer.
One of 2 twin brothers kills himself and the other gets shot. The ex-wife of the dead one has an outlaw son who is abused by the local drug dealers. The ex-wife somehow inherits a convenient store and takes the son out of school.
The video was good. The audio was terrible. It was whisper-blast without the blast. I had it turned up pretty high and couldn't hear much.
check out: Black people owning a dog.
I really wish I hadn't watched this. No plot + bad audio = shit.
A horror directed by Sam Raimi.
A woman denies an extension on a loan to an old gypsy who curses her. The woman then tries to rid herself of the curse.
The audio was some extreme whisper-blast, but the video was good.
check out: The goat.
This is one of those "pop and BOO!" type movies. When you know the surprise is coming, it's not scary anymore though. I'm rating it good because some of it was actually funny. Just think of it as a cheesy 80s horror with good special effects and a nasty volume level problem.
A music documentary directed by Sacha Gervasi.
Anvil is a generic 80s metal band that never had any success, but kept trying anyway.
The audio and video were great quality.
check out: The poop painting and the beginning of the Japan scene.
If you've seen "Some Kind of Monster", Then you have to see this. It's the exact opposite, while at the same time being exactly the same. This movie is, however about half the length of Metallica's. I'm giving this an o.k. review, but you have to consider that "Some Kind of Monster" would get an even worse review than "Ben-Hur" and "Gone with the Wind" combined.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A romance written and directed by Max Mayer.
A man with Aspergers gets a girlfriend whose father is in the middle of a legal battle.
The audio and video were o.k.
check out: Adam is in the street and part of one of the buildings starts scrolling.
I don't like romance movies and I thought the actor faking mental illness was unconvincing. I'm giving this a bad review for these reasons, and just for the hell of it. I heard about this on a "new DVDs" site, so I'm not too broken up over watching a bad movie.
A drama written, produced and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen.
A Jewish man's life falls apart.
The audio and video were good.
check out: Stoned at the Bar Mitzvah.
There is a story that is told in this film of a dentist who finds writing on the inside of a patient's teeth. The story takes a long time to tell, but has no conclusion. This film is just like that story in that it has no conclusion. Otherwise, it's pretty good. It would get a good review if it had an ending, but as it is, it's just o.k.
A drama directed by Darren Aronofsky, based on the 1978 book.
A heroine addict always steals his mother's television to buy drugs. The mother gets a junk-mail letter saying that she is invited to be on a TV game show, so she starts taking strong diet pills. The son does well selling drugs for a little while, but then a drug drought occurs. Meanwhile, the mother is going insane from the pills.
The video is very good. The audio is good quality, but the soundtrack is somewhat lacking.
check out: The quick closeup shots.
This has to be the most tragic movie ever made. It was also made very well, earning it a good review for a story that glues you to the seat and memorable characters.
A drama directed by William Wyler.
Boring shit happens for hours on end.
The audio and video were not a problem.
check out: The famous chariot race. It's all this film is good for.
I've seen some boring shit before, but none as boring as this shit. I imagine this ranks alongside "Gone with the Wind" on my charts as well as Wikipedia's. Most popular and shittiest. Leave it to Shitkepedia to suggest such a crappy film. I'm shooting it down harder than I've ever shot a film down before. I can't think of a curse word worse than Ben-Hur!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A mystery directed by Robert Wiene.
The director of a mental home brings a somnambulist to a town posing as a carnival act in order to murder people in the night.
The video was in black and white and full screen. The audio was classical music.
check out: The sets in the small town and sanitarium.
Somnambulism is a longer and more threatening term for sleepwalking. This is a good thing to know BEFORE you see the movie. I just thought it was cool because of the sets.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A comedy directed by Billy Wilder.
A bassist and a saxophone player who are wanted by the mob as witnesses pretend to be women to get into an all girl band going to Florida.
The audio and video were o.k.
check out: The unbelievable music offices in the beginning. Send that bassist to my area (we've got a shortage).
The only good thing about this movie was Marilyn Monroe. Otherwise, it was a 2 hour long cheesy sit-com. Best movies ever my ass, Wikipedia!
A psychological thriller by Alfred Hitchcock.
A man with a fear of heights also has problems with people he knows falling to their deaths.
The audio was good. The video was a little dark.
check out: This film contains the famous "cross section of a tree" scene.
It was an o.k. movie. Most of the plot happens at the end and much of the film doesn't make any sense until the end.
A slasher directed by Tobe Hooper.
A group of friends in a van drive into a town dominated by a family of murderers.
The audio was really annoying and the video was very dark.
check out: Is Sally going to use that dirty knife to cut her food with?
Well, most of the screen was black and almost everything I heard was screams. Watch it if you must, but it's not worth your time.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A science fiction directed by Joss Whedon.
A team of people on a spaceship have adventures. boring.
The audio and video were fine.
check out: The way it mimics a scifi channel presentation.
Universal pictures + Fox science fiction television = HORRIBLE movie! I don't know where I found out about this shit-flick, but I want to rudely embarrass the suggesting web site. This is the type of thing that my "Misery" (by stephen king) ex-girlfriend would like. The high kick picture says it all. Total mass media mass produced Hollywood bullshit. Whatever you do, DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!
A war movie directed by Sam Peckinpah.
A platoon leader who suffers head injuries leads his men in world war 2.
The audio and video were good.
check out: The hospital scenes in which reality is uncertain.
James Coburn is one of my favorite actors, probably because of his roles in Sergio Leone's films. He saved this from getting a bad review. I saw the opening and decided to shoot this down bad for being a war film. It turned out to be an o.k. flick. It's for people who like "Dirty Dozen" style war movies.
A science fiction directed by Fritz Lang.
In an all too true future, an elite group of rich socialites runs a city while masses of workers toil away in the depths of this totalitarian world. The son of the tyrant works to change this system.
The audio was only classical music. The video was in black and white and full screen. The version that I got had English "text screens" and subtitles of a commentary.
check out: the semi-sexual movements of Mary (yes, both of them).
This is one of the films that truth seekers, tea party people, "conspiracy theorists" and true conservatives like to compare the current state of the world to. If the names Alex Jones, Michael Tsarion, David Icke or Bill Schnoebelen ring a bell, then watch this. It's full of new world order references and biblical prophecy. The picture is Mary as the whore of Babylon riding the multi-headed beast of revelation.
A romance directed by Victor Fleming.
I'm breaking the mold here to give a warning. When Wikipedia lists "the best films ever" or some such shite, they don't mean it. I've watched a few of these things and NEVER have they EVER gotten a "green" review. Also, where's "Holy Mountain"? Where's "Fritz the Cat"? They aren't on that list because the list is based on popular opinion. So, it's not the BEST films, it's the MOST POPULAR films.
Anyway, "Gone with the Wind" is 3 hours and 52 minutes long. After 30 minutes, it was looking to seem like 6 hours. Things looked pretty bleak as southern belles arranged their skirts and slaves served their "massas", so I turned it off. By the way, the picture is of the first few minutes of the movie. really grabs your attention, doesn't it?
I'm hereby instituting a 45 minute rule. If a film does not capture my interest in 45 minutes AND there is more than an hour left AND I want to turn it off, I will. I will, however state why in my review so that you might know better and avoid disappointing flop-flicks.
A thriller directed by Bryan Singer, based on a book by Stephen King.
A young neo-nazi finds out that there is an old German officer in his neighborhood and starts meeting this man to hear stories about the brutal extermination of Jews.
The audio was in whisper-blast and the video was a little dark.
check out: Drawing swastikas in school.
I found the whole plot to be unbelievable, the characters sucked and the high school thing is overdone. You might like this if you're with the German Socialist party.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
A drama written and directed by Jean Renoir.
A group of french socialites spend their time stealing, sneaking behind eachother's backs and trying to steal eachother's spouses and lovers.
The audio was in french and subtitles were provided. the video was in black and white and full screen.
check out: The "negress" music box. Racial slurs were o.k. in this time period, but men and women sharing a bed was not. The world is a strange place.
Have you seen a 1995 film called "Kids"? Imagine that, only before world war 2 and with people in their 20s and 30s instead of teens. Obviously, the content is a little tamer, but the idea is the same. The same level of permiscuity, theft and violent confrontations is still present. If you liked "Kids", then you need to see this. Just for culture shock.
A science fiction directed by Frank Darabont, based on a book by Stephen King.
After a storm, a dense mist rolls into town. A large group of people inside a grocery store try to survive this disaster as it brings monsters and/or aliens.
This film gives the term "whisper-blast" new meaning. The video is awesome though.
check out: CG monsters!
You should watch this film if you have any interest in seeing CG monsters. There are a few different types in different shapes and sizes, but they all share the quality of being pretty cool.
I'd like to take a moment to discuss idiocy in fictional disasters. When disaster strikes in films or books, the characters' IQ scores suddenly drop. example: "these monsters are drawn to light, we better turn on the super-halogens and the LEDs now!" for fuck's sake! I'd like to see just ONE disaster film with smart people in it that do things right and use some common sense. I've also seen one too many nearly dead buddies dragged back to base camp in hopes that their innards can be stuffed back in, limbs reattached, and ultra-infectious diseases cured. Another disaster disaster is walking slowly in dangerous areas. "those monsters are out here, we better walk really slow so they can catch us easier!" or "I don't have time to pick up the flashlight dangling off my leg, slowing me down, and showing the monster EXACTLY where I am!" that's enough of that.
Anyway, watch this for the cool CG monsters, not the actions of our foolishly brave heroes.
A mystery by Orson Welles.
A rich politician and newspaper man dies. A team is sent to find out the meaning of his last words. Relevant pieces of his life are shown between scenes of the investigation.
The audio was o.k. The video was in black and white and in full screen.
check out: The dissonant jazz band at the picnic.
I seriously didn't get it. I've watched much stranger movies and understood the main concept better than this. Maybe rosebud is an old folks joke that young folks like me don't get. If you like old movies that are supposedly "the best ever made" (as wikipedia claimed this was), then you'll probably like this.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
A drama directed by Jeff Beesley, based on a story by Stephen King.
A man's wife is murdered by a slave trafficker and revenge is inevitable.
The video was very good. The audio had a cd skipping/clicking sound in some parts.
check out: Dolan's colorful terms for non-caucasians.
As I was watching this, I was wondering "why is this guy doing all this work?". Then I found out at the end, and it was worth it. This movie is almost good. You might want to watch it.
A horror directed by Mikael Hafstrom, based on a story by Stephen King.
A "haunted places" writer stays in a very haunted hotel room.
The audio had sufficient low end to to make use of a sub-woofer, so if your setup has one, please use it. The video was good.
check out: I thought the blank bible was a nice touch.
I'm very critical of new Hollywood movies, but I liked this one. For an hour in a hotel room, there was an amazing amount of character development and I liked the simple plot that accumulates back-story as the film progresses. Unfortunately, my computer and sub-woofer don't get along, so sometime far in the future I might rent the dvd so I can enjoy the full sound quality. Good movie, watch this one.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A horror directed by Tom Holland, based on a book by Stephen King.
A fat man accidentally kills a gypsy woman with his car. He and his legal friends who helped to keep him out of trouble are all afflicted with curses.
The audio was in whisper-blast, but the video was good.
check out: The dolls at the carnival.
Nothing special here. My only question is about the fat/thin man and how this was accomplished.
A kung fu directed by Lau Kar-Leung and Jackie Chan.
A young drunken boxing master gets parcels switched on a train. This sets into motion a complex series of events.
The audio was in English and the video was o.k.
check out: "what does it mean when it has a picture of a skull on it?" "good stuff!"
This film has such good fight scenes that it almost redeems Jackie for his later performances in Hollywood bullshit movies like "Rush Hour" and "Shanghai Noon". It's definitely worth watching if you like kung fu.
A fantasy directed by Fraser C. Heston, based on a book by Stephen King.
A strange man opens a shop in a small town that sells whatever people want as long as they betray their neighbors for it.
The audio was low, but the video was good.
check out: The epic classical music.
I thought that this was good. The characters and plot were very clear and kept me interested.
A thriller directed by George A. Romero, based on a book by Stephen King.
A writer's split personality/conjoined twin comes to life and starts killing people.
The audio and video were both good.
check out: Mr. Stark's car.
This was alright for a formula following murder movie. There wasn't much that made it stand out from other films, so it's just o.k.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A horror directed by Mick Garris, based on a book by Stephen King.
The new kid at school turns out to be a shapeshifting demon with a magical car. He tries to bring home a girl for his mother to feed on.
The audio and video were pretty decent. the special effects were crap.
check out: The speeding scene.
Total crap. This movie is cheesy, pointless and not very interesting. I would definitely advise against watching it.
A horror directed by Rob Reiner, based on a book by Stephen King.
A writer crashes his car and is saved by a fan. The fan intends to keep him indefinitely as the local sheriff searches.
The audio and video were very good.
check out: during the fight, I was reminded of the R.O.U.S. scene from "The Princess Bride".
This movie definitely kept me interested. The crazed fan resembles an ex-girlfriend and I was anxious for her to be brutally slain. The only question that went unanswered was the identity of the pills.
A horror directed by Daniel Attias, based on Stephen King's story.
A werewolf is killing people in a small town and a crippled boy seeks the aid of his sister and druncle to fight it.
The audio and video were decent, definitely 80s.
check out: Trying out the new wheelchair.
The role as the cripple's druncle must have made Gary Busey feel right at home. This movie is so cheesy, corny, 80s, whatever you want to call it. It's not absolutely bad, but definitely not good.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A science fiction directed by David Cronenberg, based on a book by Stephen King.
A man crashes his car and after he awakens from a 5 year coma, he can see the future by holding hands with people.
The audio and video were great quality.
check out: The new world order pyramid room in the last vision.
Damn, I hate Christopher Walken! The sight of his face is enough to piss me off. Obviously, you can imagine how I feel about a movie in which he is the main character.
A science fiction directed by Mark L. Lester, based on a book by Stephen King.
A girl with pyrokinesis and her father (with vaguer powers) are on the run from the government agency that created this situation.
The audio and video were a little poor.
check out: a VERY young Drew Barrymore.
This was pretty cheesy, but it was that good kind of 1980s cheesy that we all know and love. I've got nothing better to do, so it doesn't bother me to waste my time on mediocre movies like this. I definitely wouldn't buy a copy of this on dvd though.
A horror directed by John Carpenter, based on a book by Stephen King.
A nerdy high school guy gets a bloodthirsty haunted car that kills the bullies. When the bullies are dead, the car still wants more death.
The audio and video were good. "Bad to the Bone" is a good song to add to the soundtrack of almost any movie.
check out: The car fixing itself.
The plot was good, but one of the characters got on my blacklist immediately. Christine is that character and my favorite part is the scene in the garage involving the loader. Despite my biased opinion of the main character, this is still a good film.
A horror directed by Fritz Kiersch, based on a book by Stephen King. A young couple accidentally drives into a town in which the children have killed their all parents. This town is ruled by Isaac, the preacher and Malachai, his thug. The audio and video were good. check out: I didn't know that Dave Mustaine (of Megadeth fame) was a child star! I've got a bad case of movie overload and nobody reads this site, so osinhgvlkslksdb\v,db vkj,f ei ose io esopspo gjs oj s jp;ose uj;osu jz;j ufhj eu jeilhfj lzf lzi lz zlfawu rpWRP;WR;U; R WUR;ZU LFZIUF LZl reugtueo udrlh!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A horror directed by Brian De Palma based on a book by Stephen King.
A high school girl with telekinesis and a bible thumping mother gets victimized and gets revenge.
The audio and video were good.
check out: the last knife has some style on it.
High school horror isn't my thing, but Carrie looked better with the blood than without. It's an o.k. movie if there's nothing else to watch.
A fantasy directed and produced by George Pal.
A Chinese man brings his circus to a small town and sways public opinion in politics with his act.
The audio and video definitely show the age of this film, but were good.
check out: Harryhausen magic and monsters.
Despite the age of this movie, I like it quite a bit. Those 1960s Harryhausen effects suit it pretty well too. There are some Chinese stereotypes and jokes in the beginning like the opium pipe and Dr. Lao dropping coins on the floor but not caring. The main question that this film leaves unanswered is whether Dr. Lao was being all of the characters in his circus. If you like Ray Harryhausen's monsters and effects, you will like this movie.
Monday, May 17, 2010
A kung fu directed by Yuen Woo-ping.
Jackie Chan is a rowdy son who is sent to learn kung fu from his uncle, Beggar So who is a master of drunken boxing.
The audio was in Chinese and subtitles were provided. The video definitely showed the age of the film.
check out: no wire!
Jackie Chan + Simon Yuen + drunken boxing = a really good kung fu movie! This is the original drunken master by the way, not one of the many sequels, spin-offs, or imitations. If you like kung fu flicks, you'll like this.
A horror directed by Roger Corman, Francis Ford Coppola, Monte Hellman, Jack Hill and Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson plays a French soldier who gets involved in a crisis between a ghost of a baroness, a servant, a baron and a witch.
The audio and video were some of the worst I've ever seen.
check out: The cartoon credits/intro images.
It was cool to see Jack Nicholson at 26 years of age, but otherwise the movie sucked pretty bad. Too many directors behind the camera is just like too many cooks in the kitchen.
A kung fu starring Andy Lau.
Wong Fei Hong and his father are trying to do something with the queen who breaks the jade ring, but because of the revolution, she isn't the queen anymore. The white lotus sect is the enemy for some reason.
The audio was in Chinese and subtitles were provided, but not clearly visible. The video quality was poor.
check out: The abacus scenes.
The plot was confusing and nobody got drunk despite the title. the redeeming factors were the good use of drunken fist (complete with fairy ho style) and the extensive use of Hong Kong wire. This is one of those forgettable kung fu films that I mentioned in my review of "Fighter in the Wind".
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A drama directed by Chen Kaige.
A son of a whore is delivered to a theater troupe and as a child meets his "friend for life" who also plays one of the 2 leading roles in a classic opera with him. The pair go through hell training to be actors and during the 1940s as China fights the Japanese and has a revolution.
The audio was in Chinese and subtitles were included. The video is good, but lacks that "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" beauty.
check out: Dieyi plays a woman so often that he becomes a more effeminate man. In modern pop-culture terms, he looks "emo".
At 3 hours in length, this film sure whiled away the evening for me. I would also expect better from such a long film. This was pretty good, stuff happens, tough times are had by all. It's nothing to go questing for though.
A drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
In a perpetual gang war, a young "greaser" kills a "soc" and hides in the country with his friend. They go out to lunch one day and come back to find their hideout full of children and on fire.
The audio was good quality, but had shitty Stevie Wonder music. The video was good with a touch of "300" skies.
check out: The homosexual overtones.
This film showcases the tender side of gang life. In the beginning, the 2 boys fall asleep leaning on each other, then there's the "300" skies scene and the whole concept of one reading "Gone with the Wind" to the other. I have nothing against homosexuality, but I do have something against subliminal messages and predictive programming. Go ahead and make a gay movie, just don't try to sell it as straight.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A horror directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr.
A boy who was traumatized by a Santa related incident as a child is elected to play Santa at a toy store. He takes his role too seriously and plays Santa as he saw Santa behaving.
The audio and video were o.k. they definitely show the age and low budget of this film.
check out: The crazy Grandfather and lots of female nudity.
You know the drill here. It's just another cheesy 80s horror/slasher flick. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
A drama directed by Bob Rafelson.
Jack Nicholson does something...
The audio and video were fine. I kind of liked the combination of classical and country music in the soundtrack.
check out: Jack fucks his sister!
Well, this one is difficult to write about. There was no plot. If you like movies to be more pointless than an episode of "Seinfeld", then this one's for you. I'm shooting it down for no plot and Jack crying. Jack Nicholson should not cry. His heart is made of stone and his nerves of steel.
A kung fu film directed by Yang Yun-ho.
A bullied man living in the destitute poverty of the city learns karate and challenges all who will face him.
The audio was in Korean and subtitles were available. The video was very well done.
check out: The euro-metal in the soundtrack.
I like kung fu in general, but find most of the movies forgettable at best. This one was actually good. I especially like the training scene on the snowy mountain. Some of the fights were good too. I'm not saying this is as good as "Ong-Bak", but it's not too shabby.