Heaven's Gate (1980)

An American western written and directed by Michael Cimino, starring Kris Kristofferson, Christopher Walken, Isabelle Huppert, Jeff Bridges and John Hurt.
After college graduation, a man goes to a foreign immigrant pioneer settlement to be a hero. He wants to leave with the woman he loves, but she won't leave her brothel. Military or militia guys show up and things get violent.
This 219 minute film can be summed up in 1 scene. Kris Kristofferson is trying to read a list of names to a group of immigrants and they won't shut up long enough to let him read (image) these immigrants in this room. Saying it had audio problems is like saying that walking from Argentina to Alaska takes a little while. Most of the scenes included mobs, crowds, gangs, parties and armies, complete with trains, wagons and horses. They were always all moving and shouting at once. Most films would have a directional microphone on the actors and/or do an overdub so we can hear dialogue without being overwhelmed by background noise. This did not. There are lots of films which have a plot worth spending 3 and a half hours on, but don't. This had about a 45 minute plot and spent 3 and a half hours on it. This may also be why the plot was not clearly presented. There were good things, though. The video all looked amazing. There was shot variety and lots of detail. Besides "The Walken Beast", nobody could ask for a better cast. In writing a hero, whenever he is needed for some official purpose, he's passed out drunk. It's just that there were serious problems which completely prevented me from enjoying it. I rate this poor because it could have been fixed with some editing. You probably should not watch it.

Gigli (2003)

An American romantic comedy directed by Martin Brest, starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.
A mobster is assigned to abduct the retarded brother of a politician in order to extort money. A woman is also assigned to this task (without his knowledge) and the 3 of them form a bond.
Above all else, this was inconsistent. That seems to be the consensus after a quick read of what other critics thought. They said that it was too disorganized, but not as bad as more popular romantic comedies of the time. I didn't know whether to call it crime, romance or comedy and I think it was trying to be all of them, stretching too thin over the 2 hour duration. There were some funny parts that really made me laugh, but there were "wise guy" mob business scenes, sappy romance parts, a shooting, etc... Just trying to be too much. Rainman (1988) already did the bad boy/retard buddy flick and did it well. What I'm saying is that this should have selected romance or crime and eliminated the other element. Justin Bartha played "deet dee dee" pretty well for such a pretty boy/heartthrob actor. I haven't seen his other films though. Ben Affleck did a great job as the bad boy mobster and Christopher Walken fit his short scene as the cop the viewer hates because I really do hate him. A plot point which confused me was that Brian asked Larry to read to him, so he reads food and toilet paper labels. Then Larry goes into the other room and Ricki has a book, but he says nothing about it. Video looked pretty good and I could hear most of the dialogue well. I rate this adequate because it was worth watching once for the comedy scenes.

New Rose Hotel (1998)

An American crime film directed by Abel Ferrara, starring Christopher Walken, Willem Dafoe and Asia Argento.
A pair of kidnappers are trying to use a prostitute to kidnap a scientist.
I can't take that much Walken. In the first half hour there were also multiple scenes in which women thought they could sing, but the audio proved their inability. I turned this off at 40:32 of 1:33:10 because the plot was dull and I didn't care what happened with the characters. It looked alright, but even Fie Over England (1937) looks good. That doesn't make it a good movie though. For the Walken beast, bad singing and a boring plot, I rate this shit. Do not watch!

Man of the Year (2006)

An American comedy drama directed by Barry Levinson, starring Robin Williams, Christopher Walken and Jeff Goldblum.
A comedy talk show host jokes about running for president. Because of popular response, he does so. A woman at the voting machine company discovers a problem with the voting machines that causes him to actually be elected.
This was not too shabby. It had pros and cons like most normal movies. The plot was good and held my attention. The comedian's political campaign being based on honesty and common sense was awesome. I think that casting went awry with the inclusion of The Walken Beast, but Robin Williams almost leveled that out. The audio and video were pretty normal. I could see and hear what was going on, but didn't notice anything noteworthy. Overall, a regular movie. I rate this o.k.

Envy (2004)

An American comedy directed by Barry Levinson, starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Christopher Walken.
A pair of friends live across the street from each other. One of them invents a spray that makes poop disappear and gets rich. The other is envious, gets fired from his job, makes friends with a bum and kills the friend's horse.
My three most hated actors all in one film? Why haven't I watched this before? The intro was extremely disorienting. This rolling/pivoting camera gimmick made me woozy. The plot is not bad and the audio/video was clear and appropriate. Although filled with terrible horridness, I didn't mind watching it. I know it's bad, but somehow I enjoyed that. According to Wikipedia, the filmmakers publicly apologized for making this. I think the real issue was casting. Let's take idiot Ben Stiller as a main character, add annoying Jack Black as second AND THEN top that off with The Walken Beast. It's a recipe for disaster! Apparently, I like bad movies though. I'm giving this a weird pink rating because I HATE the ingredients, but the end product was tolerable.

Last Man Standing (1996)

An American film noir western by Walter Hill, starring Bruce Willis and Christopher Walken.
The plot of Yojimbo is played out on the Mexican border. A man comes into town and finds two gangs in conflict. He takes employment with both of them and increases the conflict until they destroy each other.
I liked the original more and I rated that o.k., so how does this one rate? Bruce Willis and Christopher Walken are obviously not my favorite actors. The film was remade into something weird and not so great. The main character is obviously not a gunslinger because it takes him like 8 shots to kill a man. He even has 2 guns! He has obviously forgotten the face of his father. All points against it. I'm rating it bad because I can be a hard-ass like that when the mood strikes me.

The Rundown (2003)

An American action comedy directed by Peter Berg, starring The Rock, Sean William Scott and Christopher Walken with a quick cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A bounty hunter/professional kidnapper goes to Brazil to retrieve a man's son who has located a priceless artifact. The mining boss there is looking for this item as well as the local rebels who want the item too.
This film demonstrates what I hate about new movies every second of it's duration. The adderall camera-work, the absurdly stupid comedy, the constant conflict... the list goes on. If you want to know what I hate about new, big budget films, watch this. I'm rating it bad. The shit rating is reserved for films that are uniquely horrible, so this doesn't get that honor.

The Stepford Wives (1975 & 2004)

A science fiction directed by Bryan Forbes and Frank Oz, starring (2004) Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Christopher Walken, Faith Hill and Glenn Close.
A city couple and their children move to a suburban town where all of the women are too perfect to be real and all of the men meet at a secret club.
The first film was dark and tense, almost a horror flick. The new one was bright and jovial, almost a comedy. The newer one also added a new beginning and a new ending, making the plot of the first film into a shortened and dumbed down middle. I hate to see a decent film defiled like this and Hollywood always does it with these stupid remakes. This makes me rate the original better than planned and the remake worse than I would have otherwise. SO, the old one is good and the new one is bad. Simple, direct and to the point!

Basquiat (1996)

A biography directed by Julian Schnabel, starring David Bowie, Courtney Love, Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe.
The life and career of artist, Jean-Michel Basquiat is shown.
I don't know where to begin. I wish that I could make this review as cool as the film, but it is impossible to capture such things in words. Jean-Michel Basquiat is a beautifully ugly character, just like his art. It's going to be hard to watch anything else after this masterpiece. Obviously, I'm rating it best.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

A crime film by Quentin Tarantino, starring John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Uma Thurman, Christopher Walken and Bruce Willis.
Various gangsters rattle around Los Angeles killing people, robbing them and overdosing on drugs.
The dialogue in this film is the best part. The characters talk about funny things like what a quarter pounder is called in France right before they kill people. The star studded cast makes this possible and the style is to die for. Being as famous and popular as this is, one would think that I would rate it horribly, but remember that Tarantino is one of the people who can do no wrong. I'm rating it best, just like anyone else who reviews it does.

Catch Me If You Can (2002)

A crime drama directed by Steven Spielberg, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Christopher Walken and Ton Hanks.
A teenage boy forges checks and pretends to be a substitute French teacher, airline pilot, doctor and a lawyer. An FBI fraud agent tracks and tries to catch him.
Christopher Walken detracted from this movie immensely, just by showing his face on screen. I was ready to turn it off and declare shite after about 5 minutes of Walken beast terror. Luckily, he left the screen and made only short appearances afterward. The plot was almost interesting, but the characters seemed like glorified extras despite being big names. I'm rating it poor for being mass produced Hollywood bullshit.

The Deer Hunter (1978)

A drama by Michael Cimino, staring Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken and Meryl Streep.
American steel workers in Pennsylvania are being good old American guys. One gets married, they go hunting, they drink like fish... Then they go to Vietnam. Things get a little darker at this point as they are forced to play Russian Roulette.
This 3 hour epic has everything. A marriage, a party, the Vietnam war, deer hunting and best of all, Christopher Walken blowing his brains out! I clapped and cheered at that part! Overall, it's a great film for anyone who wants to see all the best movies. I'm giving it an awesome, purple rating (the Walken beast's death scene has a lot to do with this.)

Communion (1989)

A science fiction directed by Phillipe Mora, starring Christopher Walken.
A man is visited by aliens while staying at his cottage with his family. He then tries to find out or remember what happened.
Before I tear into this like a rabid hyena, I must say that I read the book and liked it.
The audio and video were both tainted by Christopher Walken.
check out: It's as bad as Some Kind of Monster and worse than Ben-Hur.
This is "the film that should not be". The Walken creature's acting is at least as bad as that of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other actors don't do much better. Any normal actor could have pulled this off, but Walken-stein seems like he's having fun being tortured by the aliens. He's dancing away and the scene has a sexual overtone. I can't tell if he's using a fake accent through the whole movie, or if that's something close to his normal voice, but whatever it is, it annoys the piss out of me. Every time that I see his face on the screen it makes me want to give him a good knockout punch. When he speaks, I want to close a workbench vise on his throat. The aliens in this film look faker than the children's Halloween costumes in the beginning. In fact, if I were a frugal film-maker, and saw that the aliens were child size, and had these kids around for the film... Anyway, this is some of the worst shit to ever cross my screen. If you're making a list of the worst films ever, this should be #1 or at least #2.