84 Charing Cross Road (1987)

A British American drama directed by David Jones, starring Anne Bancroft and Anthony Hopkins.
A jewish woman in New York is pen pals with a British man at a book shop in London.
Boring. If you've seen them, think of this as a first try at Forrest Gump (1994) and Mary and Max (2009). The penpals live at a great distance and events of the time are mentioned. It was mostly about monologues (not dialogue) as the characters spoke their letters. The woman in New York City was written VERY Jewish and I found myself mocking her speech. Anne Bancroft is a great actress though. It looked and sounded fine. Just so dull. I rate it o.k.

Walker (1987)

A Spanish American acid western comedy directed by Alex Cox, starring Ed Harris, Richard Masur and Peter Boyle.
A military leader who is totally detached from reality and nearly impervious to bullets leads a mission to bring civilization and democracy to Nicaragua.
Very strange. The humor was almost Stephen Chow style, with deadpan delivery of absurd lines. There were many anachronisms, including modern magazines, a computer and a helicopter. I was unsure whether it was a comedy until this guy was reading Newsweek (image). It was also a violent bloodbath. The plot was not so great, but I think that it was intended to point out America's tyrannical military ventures. The characters were saying that they were bringing democracy to this undeveloped country and then it turned into a massacre. Speaking of characters, the main character was the only one who really counted for anything. His financeer was also important and was cast and acted well. The video looked fine, but I didn't see much outside of standard Hollywood filmmaking style. Audio was in English and Spanish with subtitles which also included the sign language sections. 1987 does it again. I rate this good and it's going in my Acid Western folder. You should probably watch it.

Batteries Not Included A.K.A. *batteries not included (1987)

An American science fiction comedy directed by Matthew Robbins, starring Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy.
People who live in an old building over a cafe are being pressured to move out. Real estate agents have hired Latino gangsters to chase them out of the building. Robotic aliens arrive and begin helping the occupants by fixing things.
Classic '80s flair. The plot held my interest and the characters were dynamic. If I were to pick someone to greet aliens, it would be Faye (the old woman). Video looked good and I could hear everything on the audio. Special effects looked like a combination of physical effects and green screen. When the robot was on the counter in the diner (image), it was clearly composited, but other scenes looked like props on wires. I rate this awesome because it has that late '80s style that I like so much. Watch it.

Prison (1987)

An American horror directed by Renny Harlin, starring Lane Smith and Viggo Mortensen.
A state government is out of money for upgrading prisons and re-opens a haunted facility. The warden put a man to death there many years ago and the prisoners and guards end up stuck in the haunted prison, trying to get out.
This was mediocre and stereotypical. The premise was fine and there were some violent and gorey scenes. Otherwise, it was just a "run of the mill" horror flick. The characters were not developed very well and the plot was very simple. I didn't notice anything great going on with cameras or editing. I rate it o.k. because of mediocrity.
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House series (1986 - 1992)

An American horror produced by Sean S. Cunningham, starring William Katt.
1: A writer moves into his aunt's house where his son disappeared. 2: A man and his wife move into a house which is missing a crystal skull and dig up the man's great grandfather. 3: A killer haunts the house of a police detective. 4: A house that was built over a healing spring is inherited by a man's wife when her husband is killed by his brother, who wants to demolish the house.
The only common themes which tied these films together were title and being produced by Sean S. Cunningham. I really liked the first 2 because the first film was a more serious horror and a horror classic. The second film was a horror comedy, which is one of my favorite genres, but only from the 1980s, which this was. It was even made in the magic year of 1987 (golden age of modern cinema, see other posts). Number 3 had nothing to do with any of the others, mostly because nobody moved into the haunted house to get the film started. However, it did have Lance Henriksen who played Bishop in Aliens and Alien 3. Number 4 brought back William Katt as Roger Cobb, but his character died at the beginning. I rate them like so: 1 awesome, 2 good, 3 bad, 4 bad. I would recommend the first 2, but not the others.

A Chinese Ghost Story A.K.A. Qiàn Nǚ Yōu Hún (1987)

A Chinese wuxia directed by Ching Siu-Tung, starring Leslie Cheung, Joey Wong and Wu Ma.
A young debt collector can't afford to stay at an inn, so he spends the night in a "creepy looking old temple". There he meets men fighting with swords and a beautiful woman playing music. It turns out that the woman is a ghost and the swordsman and debt collector try to save her from "the old dame", a tree demoness who forces the ghost woman to lure men to their deaths.
This is the fastest paced film I have ever seen. It makes Kung Fury seem calm and contemplative by comparison. The hour and a half went by very quickly. The plot was clearly communicated and held my attention with ghosts, demons and the undead. Some call this the Chinese Evil Dead. I didn't really have time to get to know the characters because they were always rushing around and speaking like auctioneers. Dialogue was very thick, lots of words per second and acting mirrored this quality. I really liked the old temple set and the town looked authentically ancient China. The camera-work actually did remind me of Evil Dead. There were lots of close ups, creative angles and high contrast imagery. I watched a version dubbed into English, but the soundtrack was awesome. I could tell that it was mostly created using a cheap keyboard and inferior piano skill, but that's what made it so cool. The style was overflowing. Think Bride with White Hair combined with Evil Dead. This won 12/23 awards that it was nominated for, has a 7.6/10 on IMDB and 67% tomatometer and 86% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes. Average grade is a 70% C-. I beg to differ. I thought it was full of style, had an interesting plot and did not struggle to hold my attention. The only problem that I found was that it moved way too fast. More like A Chinese Amphetamine Story. I rate this good.

The Barbarians (1987)

An Italian American fantasy adventure directed by Ruggero Deodato, starring Peter and David Paul and Michael Berryman.
A pair of orphaned brothers are captured from a troupe of entertainers by an evil king. They are raised in a prison/work camp to be strong and hate the guards who torment them in masks. Eventually they are caused to fight each other by wearing the masks. They realize the trick, escape and must rescue the entire society of previous entertainers.
This was pretty cheesy. The plot drew a lot form Conan the Barbarian (1982) in the way that the brothers were raised in captivity by their enemy and become strong warriors. The characters were shallow, but the brothers were developed relatively well. We see their trials and tribulations with concise narration. These actors were clearly the main focus of the film and they played side-by-side in every other film they were in as well. They had a running gag of wanting the prop the other was holding and then changing their mind: "I like this one more". Just by faces, they both looked like Brendan Fraser to me. The video looked more '60s than '80s for the amount of grit, blur and over-saturation. It all looked like it came off pretty easily and casually. Nothing looked forced or unnatural. When the brothers kill the dragon was a classic scene that must be viewed to be appreciated. The audio had audible dialogue, heavy narration and an appropriately Conan-esque soundtrack. There was also some '80s pop-rock music. Overall, this is good for low-thought entertainment. I rate it adequate because I like the genre and year.

Mio in the Land of Faraway A.K.A. Mio min Mio, Мио, мой Мио - Mio, moy Mio (1987)

A Swedish Norwegian Russian fantasy directed by Vladimir Grammatikov, starring Christopher Lee, Christian Bale and Susannah York.
A boy who is unhappy with his foster parents is transported to a land of fantasy where he is a prince. He goes on a quest with his best friend (from the real world, who is also in the fantasy land) to defeat the dark knight and save the children of his kingdom.
This is pretty standard, classic fantasy. The plot fits into the standard cliche like a puzzle piece. What I found hilariously cliche was the king approving of his son's quest to evil-land. The characters are shallow and stereotypical, as expected. The duo of main characters reminded me very much of Frodo and Sam in The Lord of the Rings. We also have typical NPC-type characters and a "source of all evil" villain. The video was not too shabby, but nothing to get excited about. The audio also fit this mold. Style is where this film shines. It fits the mold of children's fantasy so well that it almost defines the genre. Everything is wrapped up into such a neat package that it set standards in cohesion. The plot points being repeated in dialogue and each section leading to the next makes it easy to understand for younger audiences. I also thought it was funny how the kite that had been flown earlier became the face of the old man in the sky that transports the main character to the fantasy land. Seeing how I like this genre so much, I thought it was great. Overall, a road map to children's fantasy. I rate this good.

Miami Connection (1987)

An American kung fu crime film by Y.K. Kim.
A new band takes over the spot held by a previous group at the local night club. The old band turns to a gang involved with ninjas and cocaine to get rid of the competition. One of the band member's brother is in the gang and the band all practice Taekwondo.
This was an initial flop that turned into a cult classic. I found out about it by watching the Vice documentary on it. The plot was a little hit and miss. Some parts were really cool while others were not done very well and it seemed like the order of events was weird. The pacing may have contributed to this because it didn't follow smooth transitions of building action: it just jumped right in. Depicted above, the man being carried has just received a letter that his father has been found. This scene just jumps into sentimental music, slow motion and dramatic lighting out of nowhere. The characters were quite shallow and underdeveloped. Not to say that the stereotypes depicted were bad, just that they were all static characters. Video was much like the plot. There were some really cool shots mixed in with stuff that was alright, or even bad. The audio was as good as could be expected. I could hear all of the dialogue and the soundtrack featured '80s rock/metal with a glammy flavor. The lead guitarist of the fictional band in the film wrote the songs and is actually playing guitar on-screen. Everyone else is faking. Overall, '80s cheese turned up to 11. If you like what some people dislike about '80s cinema (as I do), this is for you. I rate it good.

Tin Men (1987)

An American comedy drama directed by Barry Levinson, starring Richard Dreyfuss, Danny DeVito and Barbara Hershey.
Aluminum siding salesmen get into a car accident that begins a feud between them. One of them goes as far as stealing the other man's wife in revenge. A home improvement commission is also evaluating their sales techniques, which are mostly hustling, lying and cheating.
Pretty normal flick. The plot held my attention and I think it was written well, with twists at the appropriate times. The characters were acted and cast well and the dialogue seemed natural. My favorite video scene was Danny DeVito smashing the windows of his enemy's car. They used fast editing to get a series of climactic moments of glass breaking. The ending shot was framed very well, but I won't spoil it. There was also a repeated shot showing the back ends of a row of Cadillacs at the aluminum siding office. The audio was decent. I could hear all of the dialogue and it was accompanied by '60s music to complete the setting. I believe that the video of musicians playing was actually real, a very rare thing in movies. Overall, a regular flick with some positive aspects in production categories. I rate it adequate.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

An American comedy musical directed by Rod Amateau.
A prepubescent  boy works in an antique shop and tries to hit on a teenage girl. The girl's pimp/gang leader torments the boy whenever they meet. During a scuffle in the shop, a garbage can is tipped over and lets out disgusting characters.
This is on everyone's list of worst films ever for a reason. I was prepared to accept the absurd romantic interest and the crappy puppets, but then they started singing. That's when I turned it off: 37 minutes and 50 seconds. From reading my reviews, it may appear that I dislike music. The absolute opposite is true. I like music so much that it hurts me when it is misused and abused. Overall, I agree with general consensus on this one. I rate it shit. You've been warned yet again.

Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

An American war comedy directed by Barry Levinson, starring Robin Williams and Forest Whitaker.
A new disc jockey works at an American radio station in Vietnam during the war. He is involved in drama with his bosses and the local people.
This was boring and uninteresting. I had to do 3 tries to watch it all the way through. Even Mike Leigh's British slice of life nihilism went down in 2. The plot was obscured by the shitty acting and camera-work. I didn't believe for a single solitary second that any of this was actually happening. So cliche! So cheesy! Robin Williams was in the correct role and tried his best to pull through, but that is the only positive comment I can make on this. Not everything made in 1987 has the omnipotent magic that can be instilled by that production year. Overall, not worth watching. I rate this bad.

Raising Arizona (1987)

An American black comedy directed by Joel and Ethan Coen, starring Nicolas Cage, John Goodman and Holly Hunter.
A stupid criminal marries the police photographer and they steal a baby together.
There was something undefinable that irked me about this movie. The plot and characters were decent and made me care what happened. It was all shot very well and the pacing was moderate. It seems very well made and it all made sense. I even almost liked Nicolas cage in this role. Maybe it's just that I didn't find it funny or get the humor. Overall, a decent flick. I rate it adequate.

Gardens of Stone (1987)

An American drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring James Caan, Anjelica Huston and James Earl Jones.
Some soldiers work at the military cemetery in Washington, D.C. and have girlfriends.
This was dull as dirt. The plot was muddy and boring, which made it difficult to keep track of the characters. I didn't notice much good about this, but a note on the actors is warranted. Anjelica Huston was the Grand High Witch in Witches (1990). You'll remember my complaint about the main character's repetition of a certain word. James Earl Jones was not only Thulsa Doom from the first Conan film, but also Mufasa from The Lion King (1994). I have already determined that the year, 1987 held no magic barrier against bad movies, I will make this short. Overall, this was so boring that it failed to hold my attention. As I've seen far worse, I rate it bad. Do Not Watch!

The Curse A.K.A. The Farm (1987)

An American horror directed by David Keith.
A re-telling of H.P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space. A strange meteor falls near a farm and contaminates the water, poisoning the vegetables, animals and people.
This was way '80s and moderately cheesy. The plot and characters were adequate as well as the production value. The soundtrack was a little repetitive with "doot... doodoot" comprising 99% of the musical score. It was also a gross-out horror, which generally displeases me. I tend to go more for gothic fantasy horrors with cleaner vampires and monsters rather than bugs, worms, gore and pus. The family drama aspect of this was overplayed, probably to make it last long enough to be a feature film. The original story was not very long. Overall, I'm glad I watched it because it was one of those VHSes that I would see at the rental stores when I was too young for my parents to let me watch it. I rate it o.k.

Lily C.A.T. (1987)

A Japanese science fiction horror anime directed by Hisayuki Toriumi.
A spaceship is travelling to a distant planet and the human inhabitants are in extended hibernation. The ship picks up an item floating through space and a message from Earth. The item turns out to be a virus and the message tells them that there are 2 crew members who are criminals and not supposed to be there.
An anime version of Alien (1979) is what I saw. Complete with Jones, the cat. This wasn't a bad thing though. Emulating such a famous and well-made film is not an easy task. They really nailed the tense atmosphere that defined Alien. The animation style was really good and showed some effects that would have been used in live action, like selective focus. The plot was decent, but I don't think that the characters were all that great. The monster was cool and unique, but not really what I wanted. Overall, it was well executed, but shorter and shallower than I would have liked. I rate it good.

Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story (1987)

An American biography by Todd Haynes.
The story of Karen Carpenter's anorexia is told using Barbie dolls.
I think that using Barbies was extremely appropriate because of the societal implications of the Barbie doll itself. Apparently, the filmmaker modified the Karen doll by whittling to reflect the appearance of the main character. The plot was interesting and the short duration made it easy to watch. Most of the film was extremely underexposed, leading to a very dark look. Because of this, the black text onscreen could not be read. There was a copyright lawsuit because the filmmaker did not get permission to use the songs and Richard Carpenter did not approve of the film. All copies were supposed to have been destroyed. Overall, it was creative and unique, but not technically sound. I rate it adequate.

Hokusai Returns: Japan's Greatest Ukiyo-e Artist (1987)

A Japanese television documentary produced by Tokyo Broadcasting System, narrated by Nigel Robins.
A collection of woodcuts by a Japanese ukiyo-e artist are brought from a museum in America to Japan where they are faithfully printed by skilled craftsmen.
Hmmm... A 1987 film about Japanese art... What do you think I will say? It's WONDERFUL! It shows the actual printing of the woodcuts, which is very interesting and the images themselves are my newest obsession, making them the coolest thing since the invention of the wheel. The narration does get a little dry at times and the video quality was a little blurry/grainy on youtube. Small technical issues aside, I rate it good. Watch this if you like art or are interested in traditional Japanese culture.

Ninja Death Series 1-3 (1987)

A Chinese kung-fu directed by Joseph Kuo.
A bouncer at a Chinese whorehouse finds out that he is actually Japanese royalty and must learn kung fu in order to defeat a grandmaster ninja in gold pajamas. Along the way, he gets training from older men and rapes women.
This is the grandaddy of all lo-fi kung fuvies. The quality of the actual video was extremely low. The audio sounded horrible and the video was so bad that it actually performed color-shifts due to poor lighting. The characters were identifiable and the plot coherent. When most fuvies can't boast coherence over an hour, this one sustained it for 3 films of about an hour and a half each. Not only that, but in a film with a ninja title, THERE WERE ACTUALLY NINJAS!!!!! There was some occult ritual in the film involving someone being turned into a grandmaster by using snake blood (reptilian freemasons anyone?) and the main character makes the pyramid hand signal in the opening sequence (picture). The fight and action scenes featured state of the art special effects like "splicing the film reels" and "change playback speed" which I thought was really cool. The epic training scene in the first film alone is worth watching as the student is boiled, frozen, oiled and otherwise abused while the master smokes what looks like an opium pipe.
I'm rating this adequate because it is the epitome of all lo-fi kung fu flicks.

Ninja Empire A.K.A. Ninja Phantom Warriors (1987)

A Chinese worthless piece of crap by Godfrey Ho.
Chinese gangsters are sending Russian weapons to the middle east. An American is sent to do... something...
I've said that 1987 is the best year for movies. Apparently, it's also the worst. The plot didn't make sense, the fight scenes didn't fit in the plot, the characters didn't fit together in the story and the camera-work and lighting were both horrible. This is how not to make a movie. It's worse than Ben Hur, worse than Some Kind Of Monster and probably worse than whatever beat them last. I had to turn it off about half way through, looked it up online and read about some fantastic ninja fight "in the last 5 minutes or so", looked for the fabled fight scene, but didn't find it. I have to rate this shit. Fuck you, Godfrey Ho.