A Japanese American science fiction horror directed by Kenneth Branagh, starring Robert De Niro, Helena Bonham Carter, Ian Holm and John Cleese.
A ship heading for the North Pole encounters ice and a man running from something. He tells the story of how he made a Frankenstein monster based upon his father's notebook.
We've got some interesting stars here. The main character's adopted sister/wife is Marla Singer from Fight Club and the father is Bilbo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings series. There was definitely enough action to hold my attention and I almost cared what happened to the characters. I missed the "adopted" part about the sister and thought about rednecks a little bit. The monster speaking, reading and showing intelligence was a nice touch. I was utterly confused by the section where Frankenstein brings his sister/wife back to life. The monster had ripped out her heart and I thought that a quick heart transplant before electrocution would have been better than a head transplant. There are so many connections in the neck area vs just 4 in the heart. Well, if it has me typing about the plot this much, I must have liked it. I rate this adequate because I found it to be worth watching, but not amazing.
An American film noir directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Richard Gere, Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins, James Remar and Nicolas Cage.
The social drama of a group of people from night clubs in Harlem is shown. A low level Irish criminal gets a job to babysit the mob boss's wife and they fall in love.
Another boring FFC flick. I should just delete the whole batch. This one had song and dance numbers and seemed like a mostly white cast version of Idlewild (2006). The plot barely held any of my interest and I didn't care what happened to the characters. The female lead was good looking, but failed to earn anatomy points. The characters were generally acted fine and the film was well-made, had good production value and made sense. There were some scenes where I noticed good camera-work, but it bored me to distraction. Overall, I'm thinking that Coppola is not for folks who like Tarantino and Jodorowsky. I rate this poor.
An American romantic drama directed by Jack Clayton, starring Robert Redford, Mia Farrow, Bruce Dern and Karen Black.
Rich people have rich people problems. Their affluenza causes them to have affairs with married folks until someone gets killed.
This was pretty boring. The camera-work was good, but the plot did not hold my interest. The characters were acted pretty well through endless talking scenes. It was made pretty well and things made sense, but oh so boring. Overall, a well constructed piece of shit. I rate it poor. You probably should not watch this.
An American drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Jeff Bridges, Martin Landau and Christian Slater.
A man designs a new car, but has trouble getting money to build a prototype. The prototype doesn't work right, but a friend helps to raise money and they end up having a factory that builds 50 cars. They run into legal troubles brought on by the major car companies who fear competition.
When I started watching this, I said "Who the fuck does this guy think he is?" The main character was that annoying. Turns out he has played some very different roles in other films. Jeff Bridges was "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski. Given that he is a great actor, I did not like him in this film and wanted to hurt him every time he said "hold that tiger". The plot was in line with the UPO and was about my least favorite subject in the world: cars. Some of the camera-work was good, but it was like taking a great picture of shit. Overall, I had trouble not turning this off. I rate it bad.
A Japanese animated fantasy directed by Hiroyuki Morita.
A girl saves the life of the prince of cats and the king of cats arranges for her to marry the prince. She is directed by another cat that she helped earlier to seek help from a certain agency. She finds the agency, but is kidnapped by the cats and taken to their world where she finds that she is turning into a cat herself. She must escape before the transformation is complete.
This is a Studio Ghibli film and is very much in the Hayao Miyazaki style. The backgrounds are very detailed and a rich fantasy world is created. The plot was in line with the infamous UPO, but held my interest. The characters were decent and pacing was quick. The use of flashbacks helped in telling the story and everything made sense. I don't feel the need to do lots of praise typing right now, but I really enjoyed this. Overall, a good Studio Ghibli anime. I rate it awesome.
An American crime drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Diane Keaton and Robert De Niro.
The only remaining son of a defeated mafia don in Italy escapes to America where he builds his own crime syndicate. His son takes over the family business and annihilates all competition.
This was the longest, most boring thing I have ever seen. Sure, there were momentary bursts of ultra-violence that shook things up every so often, but the bulk of the films consisted of talking. A few of the highlights include a man waking up with his prize horse's amputated head bleeding all over him in bed, multiple instances of tommy guns turning men to swiss cheese and a brutal knifing on a balcony. The little ditty that I composed to accompany this goes like: "They call me the widowmaker, my name is Michael Corleone, I have men killed for sport and pleasure, but selling drugs I do not condone". Seriously, everyone is killed. Overall, this consists of waiting far too long between action scenes. I rate it poor.
An American made for TV animated comedy drama by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis.
An anti-social high school girl makes fun of everything before going to college.
Excuse me? This was a TV staple when I was about the age of the character on the show. The stereotypical characters are mostly why I watched this. The teachers amuse me most of all and Mr. DeMartino is my favorite. The Halloween episode where he makes himself metal dentures cracks me up. "It's a raSSSSSSSSp!". Most of the episodes featured a problem common to high school drama as well as comic relief. The series is very long, with 5 seasons and 2 full length movies. After the first few episodes, the theme song begins to grate on one's nerves. The outro credits feature characters from the show portrayed as well-known figures from history and pop-culture though, so I had to hear that song quite a bit to see them all. Overall, not a bad cartoon. I rate it adequate.
An American romantic drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Nicolas Cage.
A woman is at her high school reunion when she faints. She wakes up in high school and tries to have sex with all the guys.
This was crappy. The stupid plot and stereotypical characters made sure of this. Nicolas Cage plays a douche-bag yet again. There was a little bit of good camera-work though. Mostly timing shots for correct weather conditions and moon position. I don't feel the need to dwell on movies I don't like. I rate this bad.
An American comedy drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Robin Williams, Jennifer Lopez, Bill Cosby and Fran Drescher.
A baby boy is born 7 months premature because his internal clock is fast. By the time he is 10 years old, he seems to be in his 40s, but enters elementary school. There he makes friends that will literally last the rest of his life.
General issue Hollywood crap anyone? There were some '90s pop-culture references that I understood and the pacing was quick enough. A very few of the jokes were funny. Namely the fart jokes and eating mixtures of nasty stuff in the treehouse scene and Williams' seemingly innocent sexual innuendo when he posed as the principle. So what if I'm still entertained by fart jokes? Obviously, mainstream dramedies are not the place to showcase brilliant camera-work or deep dialogue. This was WAY more interesting to me than Gardens of Stone, but if you're looking for a really good film, keep looking. I rate this o.k. because it had a balance of immature humor and a shallow emptiness only found in mainstream Hollywood bullshit.
An American drama directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring James Caan, Anjelica Huston and James Earl Jones.
Some soldiers work at the military cemetery in Washington, D.C. and have girlfriends.
This was dull as dirt. The plot was muddy and boring, which made it difficult to keep track of the characters. I didn't notice much good about this, but a note on the actors is warranted. Anjelica Huston was the Grand High Witch in Witches (1990). You'll remember my complaint about the main character's repetition of a certain word. James Earl Jones was not only Thulsa Doom from the first Conan film, but also Mufasa from The Lion King (1994). I have already determined that the year, 1987 held no magic barrier against bad movies, I will make this short. Overall, this was so boring that it failed to hold my attention. As I've seen far worse, I rate it bad. Do Not Watch!
An American drama directed by Jeremy Leven, starring Johnny Depp, Marlon Brando and Faye Dunaway.
A psychologist who will soon be retiring gets a new patient. The patient says that he is Don Juan DeMarco and tells an epic life story which includes swashbuckling duels in Mexico, a visit to the middle east and numerous romantic encounters. Unfortunately, the patient's grandmother is found and says that he lived an uneventful life in New York and Arizona before being abandoned by his mother after the father's death in a car crash. The psychologist must discern fact from fiction.
Johnny Depp plays crazy yet again. His telling of stories kept me entertained for most of the duration and reminded me of Secondhand Lions (2003) and The Fall (2006). The story scenes had excellent sets and costumes. They featured more dramatic camera-work than the hospital scenes. The pacing was pretty moderate, with just enough fast to keep my attention and just enough slow to let the scenes sink in. The premise of discerning fact from fiction was not resolved, which I found slightly confusing. Overall, not bad. The cool story scenes earn this an adequate rating.
An American drama directed by Wes Craven, starring Meryl Streep, Gloria Estefan, Angela Bassett, Aidan Quinn and Cloris Leachman.
The husband of a woman with 2 sons leaves her for another woman. She goes on to become a violin teacher in the urban schools of Harlem.
ARGH! I see why this is Wes Craven's only non-horror film. If I was one of his horror director buddies, I would have mocked him endlessly about this. It was SO SAPPY! The plot was mostly predictable (except the false ending in the middle). The characters did not develop and were all left as cardboard cutout extras with repeated actions and dialogue through the whole film. Ok, so maybe the main character was developed a little bit. Everything she did and said was so predictable though. The teacher's repeated line about listeners puking and students sounding bad got old really fast. There was some good camera-work in that most of it was "invisible" and a few wide shots that I liked. Wes Craven himself must have been fasting when he made this in order to keep from losing his lunch. I can hear the thoughts going through his mind: "Freddy could be ripping apart some teenagers right now and here I am filming this crap!" Overall, a disappointment when we consider this director's other work. I rate it poor because it wasn't a bad movie, just not my style and not the style of the director who made it. If you like tear-jerkers and happy endings, go ahead and snuggle up to this with your box of kleenex. If you like any of Wes Craven's other films, stay far away!
An American horror directed by Wes Craven, starring Bill Pullman and Paul Winfield.
An American scientist goes to South America and Haiti on research expeditions. After drinking Ayahuasca, he investigates issues involving zombies and the dust that is used.
This was pretty decent. There were lots of action scenes as Lonestar (Spaceballs) left his space-RV and mog behind. I'm not sure if Yogurt would approve of the combination of psychotropic chemicals that he ingests, or Princess Vespa of his relationship with the film's female protagonist, but it did lead to quite the adventure. The final scene did take into account his Schwartz powers though. As stated previously, I like to imagine actors as their roles in other films while watching the current one. The plot and characters were interesting. I really liked the voodoo priest who taught how to make zombie dust. Camera-work included many moving shots and most of the editing was at a quick pace. There were also some good special effects with zombies, dream sequences, magic and containers that burned when smashed. Overall, not a bad flick. I rate it adequate. You might want to watch this one.
An American made for TV horror directed by Wes Craven, starring Linda Blair.
A cousin whose parents have just died goes to stay with relatives for the summer. As she enchants everyone to like her, the family's daughter figures out that the cousin is a witch.
This was decent, watchable. Nothing was spectacular or even worth mentioning. There may have been a compositing shot of some type when the cousin was not reflected in a mirror. Overall, a mediocre flick to pass the time. I rate it o.k.
An American horror written and directed by Wes Craven.
A mass-murderer is lost on a night when many children are born at the nearby hospital. One of them grows up with mental issues and things come to a head on his 16th birthday.
Most horror films feature a buildup style that follows the plot as horror is revealed. This one had a slightly different plot curve with an exciting beginning and ending, but a moderate middle section. The characters were so stereotypical that it hurt to watch. The camera-work followed the plot curve, but in reverse. Underexposed moving shots were used in the beginning and ending to make it crappy and stable, correct exposures made the middle more watchable. I liked the condor biology class scene the most, followed by the girls' bathroom scene. There was also a good hallway scene of the 2 friends mimicking each other. Overall, it was lackluster with a few good points. I rate it adequate.
An American made for TV horror directed by Wes Craven, starring Joanna Cassidy and Kevin McCarthy.
A scientist moves with his family to a new town when he gets a job at a laboratory. Everyone in town belongs to a country club, but this may be a bad thing.
Alright. It wasn't spectacular, but it was sure better than Feast. The video looked '70s to me, despite the '80s date. The plot took time developing as strange occurrences built up to the climax. There was a really cool set in the portal to hell and economic use of video effects eliminated the need for and actual hell set. The special space-suit was really retro, but served an actual purpose in the plot. Overall, it's an average flick to pass the time. I rate this o.k.
An American horror directed by John Gulager, starring Balthazar Getty, Henry Rollins and Jason Mewes.
There's a black pixel and a red pixel... sounds of violence...
This was engineered to be invisible. The hand-held camera shots (underexposed by the way) are edited so fast that nothing can be seen. I made the image in paint, but you get the idea. This is so bad that I turned it off. I rate it shit. DO NOT LISTEN TO!!!!!! Get the joke? Because it's impossible to watch.
An American horror written and directed by George A. Romero, starring Shawn Roberts, Joe Dinicol and Tatiana Maslany.
A group of college film students experience a zombie apocalypse and film it.
Just another zombie flick? Maybe... Probably... The "found footage" style worked pretty well for this scenario by connecting the plot and characters coherently. There was some narration in some scenes, which helped in my view. The camera-work was not good by any standard, indicating that these were extremely poor film students and that they needed the professor to go with them because they suck so bad at filming. The video in general was extremely dark and underexposed, further demonstrating the students' lack of skill with cameras. The editing scene was absolutely absurd to anyone who has ever edited video. They did it so fast and without cuts indicating time elapsing that it would be impossible in real life. I liked how towards the end, the female lead got chased by a zombie and followed every B horror flick cliche available. Overall, I did not like it, but there was some merit to be seen in the production. I rate it o.k. You may want to watch this if there is nothing else.
An American science fiction horror directed by Wes Craven, starring Kristy Swanson.
A young scientist has a robot of his own creation. When the robot is destroyed and his girlfriend is murdered, he uses robot parts to reanimate the girl's body.
Undead cyborg girlfriend? YES! The plot did not follow the infamous UPO and there was a truly unique death scene. I saw the main character dropping his glass of milk coming a mile away and most of the characters were shallow and stereotypical, but otherwise I liked it. The pixelated robot vision was a nice touch to the already good camera-work. I think the visual aspect that I liked most was their incredible sense of framing and shot composition. Overall, a cool flick with only minor flaws. I rate this good. Watch this!
An American horror directed by Adam Grossman.
A girl witnessed the murder of her mother and as an adult, has flashbacks and hallucinations about her traumatic past.
Yet another B horror from Wes Craven's filmography list with minimal involvement on his part. Here he is credited as executive producer and has his name in the title (omitted here). This is supposedly a remake of the 1962 film of the same name. The '62 version featured hippy subculture references and some decent organ music. I guess we can count the video effects, costumes and sets in this one as equal to that. Otherwise, the 2 versions are more similar than anyone would expect. Both are B films and neither one is worth watching. There was some usage of slow motion and a few good camera shots, but otherwise this was worthless. I'm rating it poor just like I did for it's previous incarnation.
An American horror directed by John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper.
A comical mortician relates 3 stories about death. A gas station attendant has a rough night, a man has issues with hair restoration and a baseball player loses his eye.
This was actually not too bad. Why it was listed in Wes Craven's filmography is a mystery though. The plots were simple and to the point, with fast pacing to get their stories in. The duration was like episodes of The Twilight Zone, but with a much darker, graphic and more violent style. The camera-work all looked good. There were some nice shots that got held for a little while to let them sink in as well as faster cuts and some movement. Overall, pretty decent. I rate this adequate.
An American horror comedy directed by Wes Craven, starring Eddie Murphy and Angela Bassett.
A vampire arrives in New York City, searching for a specific woman. He takes a small-time criminal as an assistant.
This was not so great, but some of the jokes were funny. I liked how the all black cast were depicted so stereotypically. The assistant was a comedian and reminded me of Chris Rock. The video was very dark and the audio included that special type of whispered dialogue that irks me so. Overall, not really worth watching. I rate this poor.
An American horror directed by Robert Harmon.
People who had nightmares as children have been marked and are haunted by an unseen evil as adults.
Dumb. The muddy plot contained badly acted characters and fast editing with lots of camera movement. The main thing that pisses me off about this is not getting to see any monster. I mean, WTF? Total waste of time. The main female lead had a long neck. I mean like Mokele Mbembe sauropod long neck. I rate this shit shit. Fucking shitty. DO NOT WATCH!!!!!
An American horror slasher directed by David Arquette.
Hippies have a Woodstock-esque festival in a forest, but when people start to be killed the fun comes to an end.
Terrible. I wouldn't force my worst enemy to watch this crap. The simple plot got all muddy with flashbacks and unrelated scenes. The stereotypical characters were badly acted by noobs. Fast editing and lots of camera movement at inappropriate times, God damn it, I can't think of anything positive to say about this piece of shit. That is then what I shall rate it. Although I did watch the whole thing. You should not even watch the trailer. I'm putting up a human anatomy shot because that is what gets people to read my blig. DO NOT WATCH!!!!!
An American horror directed by Nicholas Mastandrea, starring Michelle Rodriguez and Taryn Manning.
A group of friends vacation on an island that is inhabited by fierce wild dogs.
I had to turn this off. Plot was threadbare, characters stereotypical, camera-work and editing shitty, you get the picture. As I've stated many times, I hate new movies for specific reasons. None of the characters ever get along, pacing too quick, etc. I don't feel the need to re-detail the flaws of Hollywood's latest crap right now. I rate this shit. DO NOT WATCH!!!!
An American science fiction directed by Wes Craven, starring Louis Jourdan.
A scientist falls in love with his new co-worker just as they discover a new explosive/fertilizer. Unfortunately for them, a bad scientist wants the chemical and attacks the lab, spilling the new creation on the main character scientist. He turns into a plant man monster and fights the bad scientist with the help of the co-worker.
This was really cheesy. The video transitions included absurd wipes and the monster costume looked cheap and hokey. There were some action scenes and a monster battle at the end to liven things up, but the plot featured a heavy romantic element. Besides the wipes, camera-work and editing looked fine and fit the era and scenes. I liked the black kid character for some reason, maybe comic relief. I expected this to be "scary" or menacing/suspenseful in some way, but it was not. The monster is just too much of a hero. Female anatomy points were earned continuously by the lead actress. Her bra-less running and bathing scene looked good. This brings up a question: If Swamp Thing popped a woody, would it be made of real wood? Overall, great for retro '80s night, but nothing spectacular. I rate it adequate.
An American horror comedy directed by Wes Craven, starring Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg.
A brother and sister get into a car accident and when they go to help the other driver, they are bitten by a werewolf.
This was not too shabby. I will no longer be addressing plot unless it differs from The Universal Plot Outline. The characters were mostly acted well, although I got the feeling that some type-casting went into this. The werewolf entered view at just the right time and made enough appearances. There were also some transformations that looked alright. The pacing and editing were a little bit quick and there was lots of camera movement, but what do you expect from 2005? A few of the scenes were on the dark side, but most of it was correctly exposed. The humor had it's moments, but was generally down-played. Overall, it's a decent horror flick in the same vein as the '80s horror that earned Wes Craven his claim to fame. Although not as good as the Freddy series, you probably won't regret watching this too much. I rate it adequate.
An American science fiction directed by Richard Donner.
Archaeologists go back in time to rescue their professor who is stuck in the middle ages during a historic battle.
This exemplifies what I hate about new movies. The simple plot gets muddied by presentation, which I will go into detail about. The acting was half-ass to say the least. Fake accents dominate the dialogue and everyone is always angry at everyone else. The pacing was so fast that the viewer is unable to focus on the current scene because another one jumps right into it. This brings us to the editing being too fast and there being too much camera movement. I don't feel the need to dwell upon negativity, so I will conclude by saying that I turned this off. I rate it shit. DO NOT WATCH!!!!
An American science fiction written and directed by Michael Crichton, starring Yul Brynner.
A holiday resort of the future offers authentic historical destinations for guests. The resort is staffed by robots who play authentic roles. Everything is going fine until the robots malfunction.
I liked this one. The premise is entertaining and although the plot follows the universal plot outline, I found it to be entertaining as well. The few main characters were acted convincingly (2 guests and a robot in the western setting). All of the sets and costumes looked great. The camera-work was indeed "invisible". By showing the correct things at the correct times it did it's job of not being noticed and letting the story come through. The theme park setting would go on to become Crichton's claim to fame in Jurassic Park, where the plot and premise are basically the same as here. There's a wild new amusement park that offers the best fun for guests, but things go wrong and it ends up being far too dangerous. I was hoping for the ending to mimic the intro, with the main character being interviewed as he leaves and saying he had the time of his life. Overall, this was wonderful. I rate it awesome. WATCH THIS!
A British crime adventure written and directed by Michael Crichton, starring Sean Connery and Donald Sutherland.
A team of professional criminals make copies of 4 keys that unlock a safe on a train that contains a large amount of gold so they can steal it while the train is moving.
This was good. From opening to triumphant finish, I really liked it. The plot (although fitting the universal plot summary) was interesting and the characters were acted very well. The period costumes looked very authentic as well. The camera-work was excellent, with lots of movement. The crane or helicopter shots that pulled back from the moving train were really well done. Some of the beginning was a little dull, but once things got moving it was very good. I noticed that the criminal who climbs well was referred to as "King Willie, the Snakesman", a phallic title to say the least. Since I have very little bad to say and am full of compliments, I rate this good. This is one of those solid green ratings that define what film is supposed to be.
An American drama directed by Blake Edwards, starring James Coburn.
A doctor at a hospital ummmm..... There's a dead girl and.... uh...
James Coburn is one of my favorite actors and it was good to see him as the main character. This was not painful to watch. Now that the niceness is out of the way, I can say how bad this sucked. It was so dull and the plot was so murky that I had trouble paying attention. I did watch the whole thing and it did kill some time. Unfortunately, it was all drivel. There were 2 memorable scenes with Coburn tormenting the antagonist (a teenage girl) by driving his car fast and psyching her out by making her think that she was going through drug withdrawal. The rest was filler. I rate this bad. Do not watch!
An American science fiction directed by Robert Wise.
A team of scientists are called into a special laboratory to examine an extraterrestrial disease and a man and baby who are not effected by it..
The video was as awesome as awesome gets. The audio was as horse-cock sucking shitty as can be. We've got these beautifully composed shots of the scientists going though decontamination in monochromatic rooms, but when they get where they're going, they arrive to the sound of a baby crying and machines screeching. "WAH! WAH!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Like nails on a chalkboard or the most horrible synthesizer sound ever created. There was also no music, which made the sound effects and dialogue stand out even more. Sure, the video is awesome, but they fucked up the audio something fierce, and intentionally! I have to give it a weird pink rating for that kind of crazy situation.
An American science fiction thriller directed by Barry Levinson, starring Dustin Hoffman, Samuel L. Jackson and Sharon Stone.
A team of scientists goes to examine a ufo at the bottom of the ocean. There they encounter a magic ball of unknown material, which they all enter. Things start to go wrong and there is heated debate over who or what is causing the disturbances.
Dustin Hoffman and Samuel L. Jackson are both very good actors. Having them encounter an alien thing at the bottom of the ocean is an alright idea. There were some good shots of marine life. Unfortunately, the rest of the film sucked donkey nards. Maybe I've seen too many movies. Maybe this screenwriting class has wrecked my enjoyment of them with a single sheet of paper. Maybe it's just not that great a flick. I didn't notice any camera-work that could be labeled anything approximating "good" and Samuel L. Jackson's acting was really only used in 2 scenes: eating and reading a book. It's not that this movie is bad. It's just not good, or even o.k. I rate it poor. You probably should not watch this.
