Ishtar (1987)

A comedy directed by Elaine May.
A songwriting duo take a gig in morocco and get involved in the dangerous political affairs of the region.
The music in this film really sucks. I know that's supposed to be funny, but it wasn't. I do like the scene in the Indian restaurant where the men have a heaping plate of unidentifiable food between them and their hands are covered in it. That's what Indian food is all about. There's the good and the bad, so the rest is just o.k., which is what I'm rating this film.

The Harder They Come (1972)

A crime film directed by Perry Henzell.
A young man goes to the city and has to live with the preacher because he is poor. He constantly gets in trouble there until he makes a record and gets into the drug trade. He ends up running from the law for a very long time as his song becomes popular.
There was a scene of literal bible thumping in the beginning and a character with the craziest dreads I've ever seen. There was also a plane with rasta-code on the side. It read "6y jha" or "sky jah". I thought the overall film was alright, so I'm rating it o.k.

The Kid (1921)

A comedy drama by Charlie Chaplin.
A woman leaves her baby in a car which is stolen. The robbers ditch the baby in an alley and when a poor man picks it up, nobody will let him put the child down. He ends up raising the kid until the orphan asylum comes to steal the child from him.
This is black and white and silent. I thought the plot was boring and the characters were not developed. I just didn't like it, so I'm giving it a bad rating.

Rockers (1978)

A crime drama directed by Theodoros Bafaloukos.
A poor man gets money from friends to buy a motorcycle so he can distribute records. The motorcycle gets stolen and the man gathers more friends to play "Robin Hood" with.
The plot of this film is great and I really like the main character and the music. Some of the dialogue is hard to follow because of the Jamaican slang that the people use, but this doesn't detract from the film. I don't go around giving "best" reviews to just any flick, so I really mean it when I rate this best.

The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

A comedic horror directed by George Miller, starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer.
3 women with magic powers wish for a special man to come to them. They get Jack Nicholson as the devil.
The special effects are done tastefully and the plot is pretty good. The music is alright (it's all classical). I'm rating it adequate and still wondering why so many good films came out when I was 5 years old.

Land of Look Behind (1982)

A documentary directed by Alan Greenberg.
Rastafariens demonstrate their belief systems.
This film made me want to learn how to create reggae music. Otherwise, it was a total loss. I'm rating it poor because it was nearly incomprehensible.

Ernest Goes to Camp (1987)

A comedy directed by John R. Cherry III, starring Jim Varney.
A mechanic at a camp becomes a counselor for the group of children brought there from juvenile hall. When the camp is threatened by a strip mining project, the children help him defeat the construction crew.
I think that Jim Carrey owes a lot to Jim Varney. They are both modern physical comedy actors and both use extreme comedy and stunts to do their job. This is one of the movies that I grew up watching, so it has sentimental value. That's why I'm rating it good. So what if I'm biased?

SLC Punk! (1998)

A drama directed by James Merendino.
A punk in Salt Lake City, Utah spends some time after college partying, fighting and doing punk things and gets tired of it.
I really like the first 3/4ths of this film. It's all really cool with Steve introducing his friends, showing how they get good beer (Mickey's) and providing general back-story. Then the end of the film comes and everything that they worked so hard to build up comes crashing down in a tragic ending. I'm giving this a mixed review, so check the color list at the top.

Surviving the Game (1994)

An action film directed by Ernest R. Dickerson, starring Ice-T and Gary Busey.
A homeless man takes a job in a hunting expedition. He goes to the cabin with the hunters, they have a big meal and lots of wine, they have him sleep in a nice bed. Then they wake him up in the morning and tell him that they are hunting him and the chase begins.
1994 was one of the last few years that I consider the "golden age of modern cinema". Ice-T does a very good job of portraying an angry black man and Gary Busey does a good job of acting mentally disturbed, I wonder why... The whole chase section is great as Ice-T leads the hunters astray while he doubles back and sabotages them. There are some interesting points relating to freemasonry in this film. The main character's name is Mason and when the hunters are sitting on a hill at night, they look into the sky and mention the dog star, Sirius. I distinctly remember Sirius being mentioned at some point in relation to the Illuminati and the new world order, but at the moment, I'm having a tough time figuring out exactly how. I'm rating this good because it just is.

Lone Wolf and Cub series (1972 - 1974)

Adventure films directed by Kenji Misumi, Buichi Saido and Yoshiyuki Kuroda, starring Tomisaburo Wakayama and Akihiro Tomikawa.
A royal assassin leaves his job on bad terms and the Yagyus send assassins to kill him. The assassin brings his only son with him in a heavily armed "baby cart" and rents himself out to kill people for 500 ryo. As the people following him to kill him are slain, the survivors enlist the aid of other groups in killing the "lone wolf with cub".
These films are the basis for the English version of Shogun Assassin. There is a lot of action and lots of blood. The special effects look convincing, despite the time period in which they were made. The camera-work is something that modern western filmmakers could learn a lot from. I think the whole concept of this film series is cool and it was well executed (pun intended), so I'm rating it awesome.

Idiocracy (2006)

A comedy directed by Mike Judge.
A man and woman are frozen and wake up 500 years in the future, when all of humanity has become stupid.
This is supposed to be funny, but it's too true to laugh at. Most of humanity really is that stupid. The omnipresence of advertising is one of the main themes of this film and that is already a fact. The tattoo on everyone's arms is an alarming thing to see for anyone who knows anything about bible prophecy. It's the mark of the beast that no one can buy or sell anything without. One funny thing to think about is that in this fictional future, water is only used to flush the toilet and hence, would be unfluoridated. I'm rating this film poor because it trivializes some major issues.

Safety Last! (1923)

A comedy directed by Fred C. Newmeyer and Sam Taylor, starring Harold Lloyd.
A young man goes to the city to find fortune and gets a menial job in a department store. His girlfriend comes to visit and he tries to pretend that his job is much more important. When he overhears the bosses talking about publicity, he asks his friend to climb a building as a publicity stunt. When the climb is supposed to happen, the friend is too busy being chased by the police and the man ends up climbing the building himself.
This was a black and white silent film, but it wasn't too bad. The humor was very clean compared to films today and the camera-work was good. It would be interesting to see what would be included if this film was made now. Safety Last! is supposed to be a classic piece of cinema and I thought it was alright, so I'm rating it adequate.

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

A comedy directed by Ivan Reitman, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A pair of police detectives go to a small town in search of a criminal's family. When the one who is supposed to pretend to be a teacher gets sick, the other has to cover that spot.
Made in the golden age of modern cinema, this is one of the classics that I grew up with. Arnold is out of his element in a childrens' classroom, which is funny enough to pull this film out of any bad rating. When the plot and characters are good, it makes this worth watching. I'm going to rate it good because I enjoyed watching it (for the ?#th time).

The Blues Brothers (1980)

A musical directed by John Landis.
One brother picks another up when he gets out of jail. They find out from a nun that the place they grew up in needs $5,000 and quickly reform their band to raise the money.
This is one of my dad's favorite movies. The music is alright and the plot is pretty good. The part that he likes best is the car that the blues brothers drive, but that is unimportant to me. My favorite part of the film is when the band opens with "Minnie the Moocher". I'm rating it o.k. because it's not bad, but it's reputation is tainted by my father liking it.
Update: I watched this again and can appreciate the automobile chase at the end. I hate cops and I hate cars, so when the cop cars crash, it makes me happy.

Sleepaway Camp series (1983 - 1989)

A horror directed by Robert Hiltzik and Michael A. Simpson, with the second and third films starring Pamela Springsteen.
A transsexual kills people at summer camp.
These flicks are pretty gruesome. Many of the death scenes are disgusting and violent. The plots are cheesy, but what do you expect from 80s horror? Also, I'm strangely attracted to the actress who plays Angela. I'm including a picture of who I'm talking about and rating the films good because I just like them.

Testament (1983)

A drama directed by Lynne Littman.
This film follows the life of a family in California after a nuclear bomb drops.
This is pretty tragic. There's one scene where the mother is scraping peanut butter out of the bottom of the jar that reminds me of my mom. When I was really young, she told me about a book that she was reading in which the mother performs this menial task in a tragic environment. Every time that the peanut butter was almost gone, she would either mention it or I would think about it. There's a scene at the end where the father arrives, but he isn't there in the next scene and there is no indication of a dream happening. I thought it was weird and confusing. Anyway, it's not quite tragic enough to get a good score and the early 80s couldn't do a good enough job on the film. I'm rating it adequate because I think it could have been better. Again, I'm reminded to use screen-capture.

Reign of Assassins (2010)

A kung fu directed by Su Chao-Pin.
A woman who used to be an assassin has her face changed and tries to live a normal life. A seemingly ordinary man marries her and when gangs start attacking, their secrets are revealed.
This film is in the vein of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Hero. The whole idea is to make it pretty and violent at the same time. They did a good job of this. There was a little too much camera-work for my taste and the subtitles were tiny, but otherwise I liked it. I'm rating this film good. After searching for an image to post with this, I've decided to use screen-capture more frequently.

Mirrors 2 (2010)

A horror directed by Victor Garcia.
A new security guard starts work at a department store and sees a dead woman in a mirror. At the same time, people who work at the store start dying. The security guard wants to quit, but decides to figure out what's going on.
This may be cheesy and it may be crappy, but that's a step up from the first Mirrors film. The main character looks and acts a little less foolish, even though the homicide detectives pick up the slack for him there. After seeing the first film, this plot was absolutely boring. I'm rating it poor because it sucks, but it's a lot better than the first one.

The Dirty Dozen (1967)

A war film directed by Robert Aldrich, based on the book by E. M. Nathanson.
An army leader who is not well liked is selected to lead 12 soldiers guilty of war crimes on a dangerous mission behind enemy lines.
I remember watching this film when I was very young. It somehow seems different now. The characters are good, but the plot is a little stale. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy watching it, but it's nothing really special. I'm rating it adequate.

Zombeland (2009)

A comedic horror directed by Ruben Fleischer.
A group of survivors of a zombie apocalypse travel together to a theme park, killing zombies all the way.
It's new, it's flashy, it's Hollywood, but I like it. Every once in a while, luck smiles upon Hollywood bullshit and makes it entertaining enough to watch. The film starts with a montage of zombie chases in slow motion to the sound of Metallica's "for whom the bell tolls", followed by the main character's top rules being demonstrated and explained. It doesn't exactly get boring from there. I liked the characters with their varying levels of development and the plot was good. I'm going to have to rate it good.

Spider Web Castle (1957)

A drama by Akira Kurosawa.
A pair of soldiers are told a prophecy by a ghost that they meet in a forest. Immediately, the prophecy begins to become reality and eventually brings the downfall of the kingdom.
This film is also known as Throne of Blood or Kumonosu-jo (the original Japanese title). Wikipedia says that it's the Macbeth plot set in feudal Japan, but I fail to see any similarities. Oddly enough, even though this is made by the "sensei of samurai cinema" I'm not giving it a good rating. I thought it was a little dull and in that aspect alone it resembles Macbeth. I'm rating it o.k.

Alejandro Jodorowsky interview

I'm not writing about a movie here, but hear me out. I've mentioned the terms "Hollywood bullshit" and "bad/too much camera-work" on this page enough times without much definition of what I'm talking about. I also remember mentioning a certain interview with a certain director who could explain these things. I'll put a link to this interview and hopefully you will understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRCimMvF1w&feature=related

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963)

A comedy directed by Stanley Kramer.
A man crashes his car and tells the witnesses that there is a large sum of money buried under "a big dubiah" in a state park near Mexico. The witnesses all race to get the money first.
This film is like a straight-edge version of the Cheech and Chong movies. Everyone talks at the same time, they all yell non-stop and they all act like retards. At least in Cheech and Chong's films, we can blame this behavior on the drugs, but these people aren't on any. There is no character development at all and the plot was not very good. I'm rating it poor because I didn't like it.

Winter's Bone (2010)

A drama directed by Debra Granik, based on the book by Daniel Woodrell.
A teenage girl is taking care of her younger siblings and her sick mother in the absence of the father. When "the law" comes by to let her know that she will lose her house if nobody finds out what happened to her father, she goes looking for him.
The setting was great and so were the characters and plot. It was very well put together and not a big, flashy Hollywood bullshit-fest. This is what good films are made of. It conveys an idea and a feeling, so I'm rating it awesome. The only thing I didn't like is that it ended too soon. I wanted to watch more good movie!

A Perfect World (1993)

A crime drama directed by Clint Eastwood.
A man who breaks out of jail takes a young boy as a hostage/partner in crime.
This film is from what I would call "the golden years of American cinema". The late 80s and early 90s had a lot of good movies! I noticed that every family that the traveling pair crosses paths with abused their children, while the relationship between the criminal and innocent child remained peaceful. I'm rating this one good because I really enjoyed watching it.

Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen (2010)

A kung fu directed by Andrew Lau.
China is full of English, Germans and Japanese. A local hero steps forward to protect his country.
There was a water-mark on this film. Yeah, I downloaded it for free (a.k.a. I'm a cyber-terrorist) and the subtitles were very poor. It looked like a mixture of Txtglish and badly translated Chinese. I'm not sure if the Chinese have a txt language and I'm afraid of what the answer might be. Any way, there was some good kung fu, some mediocre kung fu and some REALLY BAD camera-work. Anyone who has questions about my definition of "bad camera-work" should watch the Alejandro Jodorowsky interviews on Google video and youtube. He explains it in a much more entertaining way than I ever could. The pictures above are very revealing. Apparently, someone decided that an action-packed shot from the film would look even cooler if they angled it slightly and put photoshop blood all over the hero. Is this how movie posters are created these days? Seeing how this entry contains minimal discussion of the film, I'm rating it o.k. for blending in with the crowd so well that I don't even write about it.

Heaven Can Wait (1943)

A comedic drama directed by Ernst Lubitsch.
A man goes to hell, thinking he belongs there, and tells the devil about his life.
I watched this mostly because of the Iron Maiden song, but found myself enjoying it. The man never has a job through the whole film and his description at the end about the boat is close to what I would want. There were some funny parts that mostly involved the grandfather. The father asks "where does he get it?" about his son, and there's the grandfather acting just that way. We won't get into war bond advertisements here. I'm rating it adequate because I kind of liked it.

Mirrors (2008)

A horror directed by Alexandre Aja.
A man gets a job as a security guard at a burned and haunted department store. The mirrors at the store kill people and want a person called Eseeker.
The hero seemed like a total moron. He looked stupid and the way he acted and talked were stupid too. This guy goes to a bar to drink coffee!? There was a split second at the end when the hero is fighting the old woman in the basement where she puts her face close to his and sticks out her tongue. It really reminded me of a certain scene in Alien 3. The whole bit about the crazy girl who caused the problem was alright, but overall the movie wasn't very good. I'm rating it bad because I just didn't like it. (edited rating after seeing Mirrors 2)

Ghetto Stories (2010)

A crime drama directed by John McDougal and Turk.
A druglord's nephews inherit his wealth, his clientele and his enemy.
There are 2 ways to look at this film. The first is a bunch of black people being black, speaking ebonics, etc. The second is that it's a crime flick about new guys moving through the ranks. I like the second way better. The detailed instructions on preparing the drugs was a nice touch. I also liked the scene right after the nephews start working for the enemy. Their shopping is legendary. There is something deep within me that thinks the whole hip-hop fashion thing is cool. The black bandana clad murder scene was brutal and I can't help but think that these guys had fun making the film. Overall, it was pretty good. Not the type of thing that I usually go for, but it feels good to give a good review after so many bad ones.

From Here to Eternity (1953)

A drama directed by Fred Zinnemann, starring Frank Sinatra.
A soldier moves to another base after seriously wounding a friend in a boxing match. The leaders at his new base want him to box for them and treat him very badly because he won't.
This film contains one of those "classic Hollywood scenes", which is the scene on the beach when the soldier and the woman are making out on the sand. I just thought that I would point that out. Frank Sinatra plays the army guy that supports the anti-boxer when everyone else treats him like shit. Overall, it was mediocre. Hence, a mediocre score is deserved: o.k.

Spione (1928)

A mystery by Fritz Lang.
I watched an hour of this and the plot eludes me.
This is one of those boring old movies that I found out about on Wikipedia and turned out to be REALLY boring. The women in this film are very masculine in a "Kids in he Hall" dudes dressed in drag type of way. I'm rating it bad because I couldn't take it anymore and had to turn it off.

The Last Airbender (2010)

A fantasy directed by M. Night Shyamalan, by Nickelodeon.
A boy with more magical powers than anyone else is found and helps water mages to fight against fire mages.
You can almost hear the "kaching" of a cash register as this film progresses. The budget seems to be limitless and special effects become a main character. The real characters were shallow and the plot was a little boring. I kind of liked the floating beast that the heroes ride on (pictured here). Some of it was pretty, but overall nothing worth watching. I'm rating it poor.

Frozen (2010)

A horror directed by Adam Green.
3 people are stuck on a ski lift when the ski resort closes for the week.
I've seen bad movies before, but this is shit. The plot is so thread-bare you can see through t and the characters try to develop, but remain extras with extended screen-time. Even the back-story that develops in dialogue doesn't "flesh them out". The only good parts were the wolf attacks and some of the shots were pretty. This would be a good film to avoid.

Rebel Without a Cause (1955)

A drama directed by Nicholas Ray, starring James Dean.
A new kid has trouble fitting in at school because the bullies pick on him and he retaliates. He befriends an unpopular boy and one of the bully's girlfriends. They flee to an abandoned mansion where cops and thugs converge to wreck their night.
This movie is so popular and I can only see 2 reasons why. 1: the date is 1955, the middle of the fifties. 2: James Dean is a pretty boy. Needless to say, I'm not too thrilled. The characters are under-developed and the plot is stale, even for the 1950s. I'm rating it poor for lack of entertainment value. Although there was one entertaining thing: the hero chugs milk like a champ!

Ikiru (1952)

A drama by Akira Kurosawa.
A very boring man finds out that he has stomach cancer and tries to enjoy the time that he has left until he remembers an issue that wasn't handled correctly. He spends the last days of his life correcting this mistake. After he dies, his co-workers try to figure out why he did what he did.
Akira Kurosawa's samurai stuff is always good, so I was wondering how he would handle a film set in modern times. It turns out that he's just that good. The main character is well developed and the plot is great. I like how the govenmental systems are portrayed so accurately. I'm rating it good because the only thing that would make it better is if it was a samurai flick. I'm joking.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (2007)

A crime drama directed by Sidney Lumet.
2 brothers plan to rob their parents' jewelery store, but everything goes wrong when they send the wrong guy in to do the job.
This is a very tragic film. Everyone's lives go from bad to worse and nearly everyone gets shot. Usually in heist flicks, someone gets away with all the wealth and lives happily ever after, but not in this one. Overall, it's o.k.

Mr. Stain on Junk Alley (2002)

A series of CG animations by Ryuji Masuda.
A hobo finds an item in his alley which leads to a plot developing.
Each episode is about 5 minutes until the half hour finale. I didn't really like the animation style and the sound effects and music were annoying. Some of the plots were good, but most of them made me glad that it only lasts 5 minutes. I'm rating it poor because it's a little too annoying for my tastes.

The Transporter series (2002 - 2008)

Action films directed by Louis Leterrier, Corey Yuen and Olivier Megaton, starring Jason Stratham.
A professional driver gets jobs of delivering packages under dangerous conditions.
This is standard procedure for new action films. The man's vehicle could be called a character due to the amount of screen-time it gets. There's more violence and camera-work than necessary, but there are some good parts. In the first film, the hero gets in a fight in a garage. He spills oil all over the floor and then breaks clipped pedals off a bicycle so that he can walk on the slick surface as his enemies fall. In the third film, he has to stay close to his car or the bracelet he is wearing will explode. He steals a BMX bicycle from a person on the street and proceeds to hop up cars and through a factory with it. I could tell there was wire-work involved in some parts of the series, but I couldn't identify how much was used in the BMX scene. Those few cool parts save this series from getting a bad rating. It's getting o.k.

The Thief of Bagdad (1924)

A fantasy adventure directed by Raoul Walsh, starring, produced and written by Douglas Fairbanks.
A thief falls in love with a princess and when she sends her suitors on a quest to find the rarest treasure, he partakes in the most difficult quest.
Douglas Fairbanks is extremely agile and I think that this film may have been inspiration behind the video game series, The Prince of Persia. For 1924, the monsters are pretty awesome. There's a dragon that breathes smoke, a giant bat and a water-spider. The special effects are easy to figure out now, but back in the day, they must have turned some heads. I wish that my friend who likes action films would watch this, but he would just say it's bad because it's old and not see how cool it is. I'm giving this an awesome rating because it really is awesome.

Pet Sematary series (1989 & 1992)

A horror directed by Mary Lambert.
New people move into a rural area and find that if they bury dead people or animals in "that old Mi'kmaq burial ground", they will be re-animated.
I've always dreamed of making a dark black metal song with quotes from the original Pet Sematary through it. Stuff like "the soil of a man's heart is stonier" and "play dead... BE DEAD!". Obviously I like these films. This is the type of stuff that my sister and myself grew up watching. That probably explains a lot. I'm off on a tangent again. I'm rating these films good because they bring back childhood memories.

Thursday (1998)

A crime film directed by Skip Woods.
A former drug dealer has settled down with a wife and a steady job. When an old friend shows up for a few minutes and leaves his suitcase in the house, friends begin to appear wanting the contents of the briefcase.
This is one of my favorite films. I first saw it on IFC and have watched it a few times since then. There is never a dull moment in this flick, as the "friends" promise to kill the hero if he does not give them what they want. The characters are great despite having very little time to develop. If you didn't already guess, I'm rating it best.

Cube Series (1997 - 2004)

A science fiction directed by Vincenzo Natali, Andrzej Sekula and Ernie Barbarash.
A group of people wake up in a cube maze made of moving cube modules, some with traps.
I watched all of these in 1 day and it almost put me into "fight or flight" mode. The first one is just the basic premise, the second has physics obstacles and the third involves people watching and controlling the cube maze. There was a lot of conflict and tension in these films, which is why they were made. In this purpose, they did their job well. I figure I'll rate them adequate.

Things to Come (1936)

A science fiction directed by William Cameron Menzies, written by H. G. Wells.
After a long war starting in 1940, society reverts to a medieval state until a group of pilots and social engineers changes how things are run. After that point, technological advancement becomes unstoppable.
In the beginning of the film, just before the war starts, the children all get war toys for Christmas. In this scene, I couldn't help but think of the predictive programming featured in The Holy Mountain. I also found it entertaining that the feudal leader in the middle of the film was the same actor that played the anti-advancement speaker at the end. Also, the pilot from the middle of the film wears a ridiculous phallus outfit that is pictured here. Overall, it was mildly entertaining and filled a blank year on my blog. I'm rating it o.k.

Quigley Down Under (1990)

A western directed by Simon Wincer.
A cowboy from America goes to Australia on a job as a sharp-shooter. Crazy Cora latches onto him immediately and when he gets to the job, the boss quickly becomes his enemy and the boss' enemy, his friend.
I like westerns and this film is from a good year. It's just new enough to be easy to watch, but old enough to retain some quality in plot and characters. Speaking of characters, Quigley, Cora and the boss are very well done. The setting of the Aboriginal encampment was awesome too. There wasn't much that I didn't like about this film, so I'm rating it good.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

An adventure directed by Kevin Reynolds.
Robin Hood returns from the crusades and unites the outlaws in the forest against the corrupt sheriff.
This is the Robin Hood film that was featured in that Bryan Adams music video. This is also what Men in Tights was based on, as the plots are identical. It beats the shit out of the 2010 version by using a plot that can be interpreted as THE Robin Hood story. The camera-work is also much better and the hero doesn't look like king Leonidas. I'm rating it adequate for these reasons.

Dante's Inferno: An Animated Epic (2010)

A fantasy directed by Shukou Murase, Yasuomi Umetsu, Mike Disa, Victor Cook, Jong-Sik Nam, Sang-Jin Kim and Lee Seung-Gyu.
Dante fights his way through hell to save his girlfriend.
This isn't the regular Inferno story, but it does function well. An animated assault on hell is a good idea for something to animate, as it provides lots of opportunities to design demons and fight scenes. Dante kills demons left and right as the demons get wilder when he goes deeper into the circles of hell. There is even a scene that looks like Peter Chung style, but sadly, it isn't master Chung animating. The picture with this post is the "Chung style" Dante with his guide. Overall, the finished product is nothing short of awesome and I'm going 1 step further: best. This is DEFINITELY something to watch!

Solomon Kane (2009)

An action film directed by Michael J. Bassett.
A cursed man journeys to his home to free his sister from a sorcerer.
All new action films seem the same to me. There is lots of violence and during the fight scenes, it seems like the actors are playing "keep away" with a camcorder. This one starts out with supernatural horrors and monsters, but the bulk of the film is just human physical conflict. At the end there is a big monster, but it's just not enough to save this movie. I'm rating it bad because I found it pretty boring. It's just not what I like to watch.

Outlander (2008)

A science fiction directed by Howard McCain.
A man from a futuristic society in space crashes his ship in medieval Norway. While he is hunting the monster that was aboard his ship, the vikings capture him.
I thought this was pretty cool. The hero has that "Bold King Leonidas" look to him and the first 2 words spoken were "fuck" and "weapon", but that's what I didn't like. The CG monsters were well done and I liked how just when the movie seems to be stagnating, a back-story develops. I'm rating it adequate because I enjoyed it just enough to rate it above o.k.

Beowulf (2007)

A fantasy directed by Robert Zemeckis.
A hero comes to a land that is cursed by a monster. He slays the monster and placates it's mother by giving her a golden mead-horn. He is then made king. One day, the horn is returned and he knows that the mother will return with it.
This is how to do CG fantasy right. They start with a good, old story and make the monsters impressive. Then they add sea monsters and a dragon. It can't go wrong. I'm rating it good.

Robin Hood (2010)

An action film directed by Ridley Scott.
A crusader returns from crusading and impersonates a dead man when he arrives at where the dead man's sword takes him.
In my line of work, this is what we call crap. They took the Robin Hood character and threw him in the blender with some violence and bad camera-work. This is the dook-smoothie that came out. It's 2 and a half hours long and the plot was worse than some films that are half the length. I prefer the Disney version and Men in Tights over this. Obviously, I didn't like it.