The Musketeer (2001)

An American adventure directed by Peter Hyams.
A young man wants to become a musketeer. He becomes more passionate about this goal after his parents are slain. An old man who taught his father teaches the main character and he goes in search of other musketeers. The political structure of the country is in unrest and there is conflict everywhere.
I had to turn this off after just over an hour. It was just so much the same as other films on the subject of musketeers and period European unrest. It seems fickle to rate a film so badly for mediocrity, but here I am doing it. I rate this shit.

The Mummy (1932)

An American horror directed by Karl Freund, starring Boris Karloff.
Some archaeologists dig up a mummy that was buried alive and a magic scroll that was buried with him. The scroll brings the mummy back to life and he tries to reclaim his reincarnated girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, she already has a boyfriend.
This film was created to raise The Munny. It's widely well known, so lots of people have seen it and it only lasts an hour and 10 minutes. It was a success for the filmmakers, but not the viewers. The plot and characters barely have time to develop, but at least it doesn't waste tons of time. I'm rating it poor.

Fanfan la Tulipe (2003)

A French comedy adventure directed by Gerard Krawczyk, starring Vincent Perez and Penelope Cruz.
A young man is caught in a haystack with a young woman and forced to marry her. During the ceremony he escapes, but is recruited into the army by accident. He is tied up and taken away in a carriage which happens upon some outlaws robbing nobles in the forest. The main character defeats the outlaws, saving the nobles. Thus begins a plot cluster-fuck of epic proportions.
The French can really do a swashbuckling adventure well! It was fast paced and full of action from start to finish. The plot was complex and a little confusing because of how fast it went. It was like sight-reading sheet music for a Dragonforce solo by Herman Li during a hurricane to read the subtitles. They went by fast as action crossed the screen at a dizzying pace. The main character was great: He was a skilled fighter, acrobat and womanizer. Speaking of women, all of the female characters wore deliciously low-cut dresses. I'm rating this good for being unique and of high quality.

Hondo (1953)

An American western directed by John Farrow, starring John Wayne.
A boy and his mother live alone in Indian territory. A gunslinger shows up and takes care of some chores before going into the next town. There he finds the husband/father who is killed. he goes back to the little ranch to save the boy and his mother from Indian harriers.
Pretty standard western, say thankee. The plot and characters were decent. The style and production value echoed the time period. It was even a little enjoyable, may it do ya fine. I'm rating it adequate because it was.

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958)

An American science fiction directed by Nathan H. Juran.
A woman whose husband is cheating on her comes into contact with a giant alien. The alien infects her with something and she grows to be a giant as well.
The plot was SO LAME! I know they didn't have the best technology in 1958, but they did have brains. Apparently, they chose not to use them. This film was made with one thing in mind: making a quick buck. I watched it all the way through and didn't like it at all. That means I get to rate it bad. It feels good to rip on a shit-flick after seeing so many good films.

Arsene Lupin (2004)

A mystery adventure directed by Jean-Paul Salome, starring Romain Duris.
A boy's father leaves the family to escape arrest for theft. Before he leaves, he tells his son to follow in his footsteps and steal from rich thieves. Later in life, the son endeavors to track down a set of 3 crucifixes that lead the way to unimaginable treasure. The son falls in love with his cousin and a woman who seems to be immortal.
I would equate this to a French Indiana Jones. The main character is a "man of mystery" who is an expert fighter, spy, thief and womanizer. He's suave and debonair and all that cool stuff that makes a good male lead. The plot is extremely complex and is given 2 hours and 10 minutes to play out. There's always uncertainty over who is lying and who is trying to help the main character. I'm rating this good. I can assure you that I have not gone soft and have just gotten a good batch of films.

Kirikou and the Sorceress (1998)

An animated adventure by Michel Ocelot.
A boy is born in an African village that is being tormented by an evil sorceress. The sorceress has an army of statues called fetishes that help her. The boy accomplishes great deeds and helps the villagers.
This is so cool. The animation style is very unique and the characters are well designed. The plot is awesome, almost epic. Everything is good about this film. I watched the English version a long time ago, but can no longer find that. For the review I watched the French one and the villagers' song about Kirikou is much better in French. I'm rating this best.

Spike (2008)

An American horror romance by Robert Beaucage.
A mutant man with spikes all over his body gives a car with a couple of couples riding in it a flat tire to romance one of the women in the car.
The style was really unique. It started out as a typical horror film, but became more complex as the film went on. The characters and plot were good and the production value was top of the line. I have to rate this good because it satisfies all of my criteria.

The Secret Garden (1987)

An American drama directed by Alan Grint.
A girl goes to live in a mansion in England and becomes obsessed with a walled in garden. She makes friends with an eccentric boy who talks to animals and a supposedly sick boy who lives in the mansion. They hang out in the garden together.
This was much better than the 1993 version. It stayed magical and mysterious throughout and didn't get all sappy at the end. The bulk of the film was told in flashback, with the young adult Mary arriving at the mansion and remembering what happened. I've got to say I rather liked it. My professional opinion is that the special year of 1987 DID rub off on the film and it was better because of being made in that year. Dicken was even playing the pipe for real instead of faking it! I rate it good.

Valhalla Rising (2009)

An adventure by Nicolas Winding Refn.
A Norse man is being tortured and forced to fight for seemingly no reason. When he kills his captors, the boy who is with them follows him and they find some Christians.
I was slightly distracted, but the style didn't do anything to draw my attention away from learning metal songs on the ukulele. There was almost no sound in the film, but there was violence. It was boring, so I turned it off. Since I can't rip on a film for me being distracted, I'm rating it poor instead of shit. If I'm watching a movie, I want it to pull my attention away from what I'm doing so I can focus on the film, not lull me into boredom so I focus on other things.

Princes and Princesses (1989)

A French animated TV series by Michel Ocelot.
A group of 3 animators sits in a room and creates plots for stories about princes and princesses. The stories are played out after brief discussion.
I'm adding Michel Ocelot to my list of people who can do no wrong. Welcome, Michel. You stand beside Jodorowsky, Bakshi, Plympton and Jaa. Obviously the film was great. The characters and plots (plural in this case) were good. I liked the silhouette animation for it's simplistic beauty. No trouble rating this awesome.

El Dorado (1966)

An American western by Howard Hawks, starring John Wayne and Robert Mitchum.
After accidentally shooting a boy, a gunslinger is shot by the boy's older sister. A bullet lodges by his spine, causing him to have fits of paralysis. A younger man decides to journey with the gunslinger and they go to a town where a harrier shoots a member of the same family that they've been in contact with. A feud starts and they have to revitalize the drunken sheriff to help them.
The plot was very complex, but the characters were good. The old deputy reminded me of someone who I thought would grow old like him but didn't. The style and production value were pretty standard for a western of this time period. I'm rating this adequate.

The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course (2002)

A comedy adventure by John Stainton, starring Steve and Terri Irwin.
Steve Irwin is out collecting wildlife samples in Australia when a satellite goes down in the area. Government thugs go out to recapture the satellite, but Steve unknowingly beats them to it and has altercations with them.
I think this film was made to poke fun at Steve Irwin. He's so focused on the animals that he doesn't take time to ask anyone what's going on. He remains blissfully ignorant of the plot through the whole film! I do have to give this some sort of points for Australian accents. They amuse me to no end. I'm being REALLY nice and rating it poor.

The Secret Garden (1993)

A British drama directed by Angieszka Holland, starring Kate Maberly.
A British girl in India's parents die in a fire and she goes to live with her reclusive uncle. She finds a locked and forgotten garden there, as well as her cousin. The cousin is supposed to be sick and is hidden away.
I liked the beginning. It was mysterious and a little dark, but as the film goes on, it becomes brighter and more cheerful. This is one of the books that my mother read to my sister and myself when we were very young, so it has a little sentimental value. Being a Warner Brothers flick, the children of course practice black magic and the sick cousin is a domineering elitist. I'm rating it o.k. because of a balance of good and bad things. The 1987 version is on it's way and I hope that the year rubs off on the film.

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec (2010)

A French adventure by Luc Besson.
A female, French Indiana Jones is out exploring Egypt when her friend reanimates an unhatched Pterodactyl egg. The man is put is jail for the damages that the dinosaur caused and she tries to break him out so he can reanimate the mummy that she has with her in order to reanimate her dead sister.
This was pretty cool, but I'm not going wild over it. The characters and plot were decent and the production value was good. The style didn't quite fit my tastes and was a little cheesy at times. The heroine riding the pterodactyl was pretty cool (not spoiling, it was in the middle) and I liked the humorous ending. The main character had amazing anatomy and took off all her clothes, but nothing good was shown, except for tiny glipmses of nipple in the bath scene. Bummer. I rate this good.

Big Jake (1971)

An American western directed by George Sherman, starring John Wayne.
The outlaws are introduced and they kidnap a boy. The boy's grandmother sends for her separated husband to go get the boy. The grandfather brings his Indian friend and his 2 sons to help.
Standard issue gunslinger flick. The plot and characters are very clear and well defined. The style is extremely mediocre, as is the production value. The acting of the sons was a little shoddy, but not TROMAish. I'm rating this o.k. because it is very standard, or stock if you speak Metallica lingo.

Azur & Asmar: The Princes' Quest (2006)

A French animated adventure by Michel Ocelot.
A pair of boys have the same nanny as children. When one of them grows to the correct age, he is put into school/training while the other stays with the nanny. When the educated boy is a young man, he sets out on a quest to free the gin fairy across the sea. There he meets the nanny, who is royalty and the other boy who is a prince. Both of them go in search of the gin fairy.
The animation was really unique. Turns out, Michel Ocelot also made Kirikou and the Sorceress (soon to be reviewed). The plot was a little cheesy, but the film in general was astounding. I think the unique animation has a way of swaying my review. I'm not trying to spoil anything, but there is a VERY happy ending. I rate this best.

Paprika (2006)

A Japanese animated fantasy by Satosji Kon.
A dream sharing technological device has been stolen from the laboratory where it is being developed. A woman who works there has a heroic alter-ego named Paprika that she becomes in dreams and hallucinates in real life. One of the engineers is hospitalized and the other is extremely fat. There is also a cop working on a murder case who is involved with the dream device. It's complicated.
Oh yeah! This is a keeper! The plot is complex and intelligent and so are the characters. The animation style is pretty standard, but very good. There is even a Dragonball Z reference. This is one you need to see to understand how cool it is. I captured an image from the film and it's a little odd. The character has breasts, but no vagina, a classic anime omission. I'm rating it awesome.

The Cowboys (1972)

An American western by Mark Rydell, starring John Wayne.
A cattle herder hires young boys to help him bring his cattle to market. They are followed by harriers who want the cattle for themselves.
I see this film as an obvious play on words, the cowboys being boys in the literal sense of the word. The plot and characters were very coherent and the plot ran smoothly. The style was very clear and unhindered by the prehistoric production value. It was a little cheesy and lame, however. I'm rating it adequate because it's a well made film, but very simple.

Beowulf & Grendel (2005)

A fantasy drama by Sturla Gunnarsson.
A version of the Beowulf story is told. There's something attacking a hall and a foreign man comes to kill it.
This is a very down-played version of the story. The monster is just a strange and large man, possibly a genetic mutation brought on by inbreeding or some other natural cause. He has a grudge against the leader of the people in the hall because they killed his father. The characters and plot are similar to other Beowulf stories. The style is good and the production value worthy. I would call the film contemplative. I'm rating it adequate because it's worth watching at least once for a unique take on this classic tale.

A Knight's Tale (2001)

An American comedy adventure by Brian Helgeland, starring Heath Ledger.
A squire's knight dies and the squire stands in at a joust and wins. The 2 other squires help this one to become a fake knight.
Medieval jousts did NOT start with the audience clapping and singing "We Will Rock You" by Queen. That was during the opening credits and I should have turned it off there. War's "Low Rider" accompanied knight practice in the woods and I said "you get one more chance". At a big, knightly competition, the crowd started doing that "whoo whoo whoo" cheer and that was fucking it! I turned it off and now I rated it shit.

Seinfeld (1989 - 1998)

An American comedy sit-com by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards and Jason Alexander.
Four Jewish friends in New York City quibble over the trifles of everyday life.
If you aren't antisemitic, watch this series. You will soon learn to stereotype Jews. The hook noses, the penny pinching, it's all here. The 4 main characters are Jews and about 99.9% of their friends and aquaintances are Jews as well. They exhibit stereotypical Jew behavior in every minute of every episode. In one of the episodes, they encounter some German Nazis, which I think is particularly ironic and more like a horror than a comedy. The entertainment value is good (especially if you think stereotypes are funny, which I do). I'm rating this good because it's worth watching and you can get a really good picture of what Jewish people are like. Sieg Heil!

The Rundown (2003)

An American action comedy directed by Peter Berg, starring The Rock, Sean William Scott and Christopher Walken with a quick cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A bounty hunter/professional kidnapper goes to Brazil to retrieve a man's son who has located a priceless artifact. The mining boss there is looking for this item as well as the local rebels who want the item too.
This film demonstrates what I hate about new movies every second of it's duration. The adderall camera-work, the absurdly stupid comedy, the constant conflict... the list goes on. If you want to know what I hate about new, big budget films, watch this. I'm rating it bad. The shit rating is reserved for films that are uniquely horrible, so this doesn't get that honor.

The Beach (2000)

A British drama directed by Danny Boyle, starring Leonardo DiCaprio.
A young man on vacation in Thailand meets a crazy man with a map to a "perfect" island. He invites the French couple who are staying in the same hotel to go there with him. When they get there they find a closed community of people.
The plot and characters were alright and the premise was interesting. The style and production value were "new movie too perfect" all the way. The main character was very dynamic and had several changes throughout the film. The whole independent community thing seems like a good idea to start with, but as demonstrated in the film, problems could arise. I'm rating this adequate because it was alright and I didn't see giant flaws.

Blood Feast (1963)

An American horror by Herschel Gordon Lewis.
A killer is on the loose who steals body parts of the people he kills. A woman hires a caterer for her daughter's upcoming party. The caterer is the killer and is planning to have an ancient Egyptian blood ritual at the party.
I think this is where TROMA films got the idea to make the worst films ever. The acting was terrible and the plot was uber-lame. It was, however, very gory for the time period. If you like TROMA, watch this. I don't so it gets a bad rating.

True Grit (1969)

An American western directed by Henry Hathaway, starring John Wayne and Dennis Hopper.
A young woman's father is killed and she goes to a gunslinger to extract revenge.
The plot and characters were good. The female lead set it apart from other films of this genre. It was a standard issue western, if that does ya fine. The style and production value reflected this. I rate good, regular westerns good because I like them, hence this rating, Say thankee! (some Dark Tower slang is inevitable with westerns now)

What Planet Are You From? (2000)

A science fiction comedy directed by Mike Nichols, starring John Goodman.
On an all-male planet where people reproduce by cloning, the leaders decide to conquer earth. They equip a man with an artificial penis and send him on a mission to conceive a child.
This was a little weird and I don't know if I liked it. The production value was totally "new movie too perfect", but the style was almost good. The plot and characters were only a little cheesy and predictable. The pacing made it seem like over 2 hours, but it was only 1 and 44 minutes. Thankfully, the humor avoided that goofy sexual innuendo and bathroom jokes territory that most comedies dive right into. Like I said, I don't know if I liked it, so I'm rating it curveball.

A Bucket of Blood (1959)

An American horror by Roger Corman.
A bus boy at a hip coffee house makes statues out of corpses by covering them in clay and presents them as art.
The plot and characters were good and I actually liked the film. The style was very clear and the production value decent for it's time. I liked the whole "beatnik scene people" cast because it fit the plot very well. This film is coherent, cohesive and runs smoothly. The only thing wrong is that the title is incorrect. There is no blood shown in the film. Despite that defect, I'm rating it good.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

An American horror directed by Jack Arnold.
One scientist finds a fossilized claw in the Amazon rainforest. He brings it back to the center of operations and gets other scientists to go with him in search of more information on the same creature. It turns out to be a semi-aquatic, violent humanoid and there is disagreement over whether to escape or try to get information when some of the crew are killed by it.
The plot is very simple and the characters are superficial. Basically, it's a simple movie to present the Gill-man monster. It wasn't poorly made, but it was very predictable and lame. I'm rating it poor.

Combat Shock (1986)

A TROMA film by Buddy Giovinazzo.
A Vietnam veteran has a wife and a mutant child, but nothing else. He receives a notice that he will be kicked out of his apartment and walks the streets all day.
TROMA sucks. It's the truth. Whenever I accidentally watch a TROMA film, I wish for the past hour or so of my life back. This one is no different. The plot and characters are terrible, the acting is crappy, but the production value is the worst part. They look like they were filmed on some dude's VHS camcorder. I'm not only rating this TROMA film shit, but ALL other films from this company. Suck my cock, eat shit, and die, TROMA!

Cape Fear (1962 & 1991)

An American thriller directed by J. Lee Thompson and then Martin Scorsese, starring Gregory Peck and Robert Mitchum then Robert De Niro and Nick Nolte.
A man gets out of jail and goes to see the lawyer who was supposed to be defending him, but lost the case. He stalks the lawyer and kills his dog, so the lawyer sends his cop friends to torment the ex-con whenever possible. The lawyer hires men to beat up the ex-con and gets into trouble. He fakes leaving for a meeting and has his wife and daughter wait in a boathouse where his friend leads the ex-con because the lawyer knows that the ex-con wants to kill them.
The 1962 version was coherent and flowed smoothly. Everything made sense and fit together perfectly. The 1991 version was bastardized Hollywood bullshit. Nothing fit and the flow was crappy. Adequate and shit seem to be good ratings for differentiating remakes and that's the case here.

Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

An American horror directed by James Whale, starring Boris Karloff.
Frankenstein survives the fire that was supposed to kill him and befriends a blind monk. Meanwhile, a pair of scientists are planning to make another undead person. Hunters find Frankenstein and burn down the monk's house. Frankenstein then returns to the scientists and they make him a wife.
I think this film was very poorly named because only in the lasts like 3 minutes do we see the female reanimated corpse. The plot made sens and the few main characters were decent. I can't say much about style or production value because of the prehistoric date and primitive equipment on which this was made. I'm rating it o.k.

Blood Diner (1987)

An American horror comedy by Jackie Kong.
A pair of brothers are the only remaining members of an ancient cult and they are trying to resurrect their goddess with the help of their uncle, who is a brain in a bottle.
Cheese. I think that one word describes the film better than a paragraph. It's poorly made and has a '50s rock soundtrack. Some parts are actually funny, but other puns are totally lame, as expected. It all adds to the beauty of it though. This film gets some major female anatomy points as well. Of course, being made in 1987 didn't hurt (magic year for good movies!). I'm rating it good because I like this type of thing.

Born in East L.A. (1987)

An American comedy by Cheech Mairn.
A Mexican American citizen gets deported while looking for his cousin in a sweat shop. He finds work from an American man in Mexico who is on the run from the American law and falls in love with a Mexican woman.
This is a classic comedy. It wasn't done in the chaotic Cheech and Chong style, but in a more refined standard comedy style. The funniest part is when Cheech is teaching the Chinese guys to act like Vatos. I'm rating this good because it's a comedy that I get the humor of. Of course, bad films couldn't be made in 1987 if you follow my blog enough to understand this point.

Funny Games (1997 & 2008)

An Austrian horror by Michael Haneke. The American remake stars Naomi Watts and Tim Roth.
A pair of clean-cut young men wearing white gloves show up at a family's lake house. They begin annoying the wife, but soon break the husband's knee with a golf club. They then start to play games that remove the freedom of the family members while endangering the lives of other members of the family.
The plot and characters were good, I liked the style, but the pacing was TERRIBLE! There was so much wasted time that could have been spent on events. The style was good because one of the psychopaths would turn to the camera and address the viewer from time to time. He could even... I won't spoil that for you. It's one of the best parts. Some of the music in this film (the wild stuff) is by John Zorn, a saxophonist with a penchant for the extreme. Highly recommended. I'm rating this adequate, but it would have gotten awesome with better time usage. I know I'm being a major hard-ass. This film was great and should get a glowing review, but there was a problem and I'm pointing it out. The remake was literally the same in every way. It was a shot-for-shot remake and literally nothing changed. Why make it then? It gets a shit rating for being totally pointless.

The Magnificent Seven (1960)

An American Western by John Sturges, starring Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, James Coburn and Charles Bronson.
A gunslinger finds that a small village is being raided by harriers on a regular basis. He gathers more gunslingers and together they try to protect the village.
This is the American remake version of Seven Samurai (Shichinin No Samurai) and the plot is almost identical. Just substitute revolvers (hard calibers) for swords. I thought the plot and characters were good. James Coburn is a must for any western film if it does ya fine. The style was very clear and coherent, say thank ya. I'm rating this good, excuse the Dark Tower slang, but it's about effing GUNSLINGERS!

The Day of the Triffids (1962, 1981 & 2009)

A British science fiction written by John Wyndham and directed by Steve Sekely (1962), Ken Hannam (1981) and Nick Copus (2009).
After a mysterious light show, a man in the hospital for an eye operation removes his bandages and finds that he is one of very few people who can still see. Carnivorous plants are on the loose and he must band together with a few other survivors who aren't blind. Meanwhile, a darkly powerful man leads a militaristic group that conflicts with the eye operation man's ragged band of friends.
Apparently the 1962 film changed a lot of the plot because anything from outer-space would sell big in that time period. They made the light show bring the triffids from outer space. In the other 2 films, the triffids had been used as a source of fuel and had been genetically modified. The 1962 film had a cheesy monster movie charm and was contiguous in it's plot. The 1981 and 2009 films were made for TV. 1981's TV series was a little bit choppy and had giant jumps in it's timeline, but I liked the characters the most. 2009's series was, of course, "new movie too perfect" which made me hate it quite a lot. None of the videos were "good" per se (not even o.k. by my standards), but in order of how much I liked them, 1981 was the best of the lot with 1962 falling in close behind and leaving 2009 to eat shit and die. I'm lumping them all together and calling the whole wad of triffidness poor.

Willard (1971 & 2003)

A horror directed by Daniel Mann and Glen Morgan. The 2003 film stars Crispin Glover.
A young man with a sick mother turns to an army of rats to solve his problems.
The premise is the same and the plot is similar, but these are 2 different movies. The 1791 film was a Prelude to Ben (reviewed on this site, find it yourself). In the 1971 version, Willard befriends Ben first and in the 2003 version, he befriends Socrates first. In the 1971 version, the mother dies from her illness and in 2003 she is killed by the rats. In 1971 Willard has financial problems, but in 2003 he's just out for revenge. The differences go on and on. I personally like and know a lot about rats. I find them to be good pets in limited quantities. The only time that they squeak is when they are in trouble, as in hurt or uncomfortable. My question is how were the squeaks produced for the films? Did they hurt rats intentionally to provoke vocalization? I'm rating the set adequate. Neither one was better than the other, but they were very different.

Ragnarok: The Animation (2004)

An anime directed by Seiji Kishi and Kim Jung Ryool.
A group of adventurers travel together and end up trying to save the world, like in a video game. The anime was based on one.
The cover looked so cool with interesting monsters on it, but the series turned out to be not so great. The first picture is what I saw on the DVD cover. The second is what I saw when I watched the series. It was extremely juvenile, targeted at a teenage/pre-teen audience. However, there was plenty of sexual innuendo and the female characters dressed like whores (not saying that's bad). The characters repeat their "signature moves" in battles like in a video game and I just found the whole thing disjointed and a little on the stupid side. I'm rating it poor.

Zombie Strippers (2008)

An American horror comedy by Jay Lee starring Robert Englund and Jenna Jameson.
In a bleak future, a zombie virus is created and released in a closed hospital. A military team is called in to kill the zombies, but one of them is bitten and escapes to a strip club where he bites a stripper. The infected stripper continues dancing undead and is a hit at the club. She bites another stripper and you know how these zombie viruses spread...
The premise was pretty cool and there were good boobs, but that's where it ends. Everything else was poor, if not terrible. There were a few select moments that were funny in that gruesome Freddy's Dead kind of way. I'm rating this o.k. because it's exactly as I expected it to be and it got female anatomy points.