A Czech American fantasy directed by Stephen Sommers, starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh and David Wenham.
Vampire hunter, Van Helsing gets a female associate and they hunt monsters together. Vampires, werewolves, whatever.
Poopoo, CG junk. The plot almost held my interest way back when I watched it. Characters all over-acted, too much CG, sets too large to be real. I guess it did action scenes well because that was most of the movie. I rate this poor. You probably should not watch it.
A British erotic musical romance directed by Michael Winterbottom.
A climatologist in Antarctica remembers a relationship with a woman and the concerts they saw. In actual fact, the have sex and watch alternative rock bands.
Vapid, boring, repetitive. The movie is just like the music. She sucks him off and then the alt rock band just plain sucks. This happens about 9 times. A few rare snippets of Antarctica are thrown in and the cinematography is amazing. I liked the close-up of this (image) ice being cut more than the rest of the film put together. In fact, I would rather have watched a few seconds of cutting ice than the whole hour and 6 minutes. I have to admit that the sex scenes were expertly filmed and the audio quality of the concerts was good, even though the content was not. I rate this bad for technical perfection on some of the worst content I've seen in a while. Don't watch it.
A French Mexican British acid western directed by Jan Kounen, based on a comic by Jean Giraud A.K.A. Moebius, starring Vincent Cassel, Juliette Lewis and Michael Madsen.
Treasure hunters have founs a map to the Native American sacred mountain. The sheriff recognizes one of them as an old enemy and tries to stop him. Luckily, the sheriff is friends with the local shaman, who helps him.
This was like a western, but more. The cowboys were rougher and tougher and there was Indian magic. The plot held my attention very well because there was always something going on. The characters were pretty good, but I would have cast a more extroverted hero. Michael Madsen played a good villain, but should have had more dialogue. Video was high quality and very creative. There was a wide range of shot lengths and camera placements. There were also some CG dream sequences which were very convincing. It was alright that it didn't look photorealistic because it was only used for dream material and worked well like that. Audio was good. I could hear the dialogue, there was appropriate music and I found subtitles which included English as well as all of the foreign language parts. I rate this best, mostly for plot and video. Watch it!
A French romance directed by François Ozon, starring Valeria Bruni Tedeschi.
A couple meet, fall in love, get married and get divorced. It happens backwards though.
I really didn't get this. The plot was extremely unclear because there was no mention or indication that anything was happening in reverse until they get married near the end and then meet at the very end. It opens with the couple getting divorced and then goes to a sex scene. The characters were almost reverse-developed. As the movie went on, it seemed like I knew less about them. The video was decent quality, but predictable and standard. Dialogue was mostly in French and I got subtitles for that, but there were Italian sections which were not included in those subtitles. I didn't notice anything worth mentioning about music. I have to rate this bad because it was so unclear about what was happening.
An American romantic comedy directed by Peter Segal, starring Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Rob Schneider, Sean Astin and Dan Aykroyd.
A veteranarian at a sea animal park falls in love with a woman whose memory is erased every night while she sleeps.
Sappy sappy sappy. The simplistic plot had all static characters. Video looked alright, but there was absolutely nothing creative or different about it. Almost like 1940s style camera placement. All of the dialogue was audible, but the soundtrack music was so mainstream and insipid it almost made me puke. I really don't like writing about movies like this. I hate it so bad that I don't even want to mock it or hurl insults. I rate this shit. DO NOT WATCH!
An American fantasy romance directed by Gary Winick, starring Mark Ruffalo, Judy Greer and Andy Serkis.
A 13 year old girl wishes to be 30 years old and magic glitter makes it so. She then realizes that she has been a horrible person between.
Sappy and crappy. The plot was alright in 1988 (Big), but did not need to be repeated so frequently. I'm referencing the film with the girl wishing on candles, but don't want to remember what it was called. The characters were mostly shallow. Jenna and Matt developed a little bit. The video was "chick flick" bright and had no unexpected camera placement, editing or anything of that nature. I could hear the dialogue and the soundtrack music was mostly 1980s pop. This brings up what I thought was the only good scene: the Thriller dance. Even though this was crappy and not worth watching, I've seen so many films which are so much worse. I rate it poor. You probably should not watch it.
An American crime action directed by Pitof Comar, starring Halle Berry, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy and Sharon Stone.
A woman working for a cosmetic company overhears company secrets and is killed. A new life is given to her by a cat and she becomes a superhero, working to prevent the cosmetic company from releasing a dangerous product. While this is going on, she is beginning a romantic relationship with a cop who is trying to find her.
This is among the worst crap I have ever watched. Between piss poor writing, terrible acting and decreased continuity editing, it ranks right there next to The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987). This is from a worst films list and I agree, it does belong there. Given that this is a steaming pile of crap, I feel justified in being as bigoted and racist as I want. Besides, the movie had to put this racist moment in for me to notice it. When Halle Berry sees the necklace in the jewelery store window, I was reminded of a scene from The Secret of NIMH (1982) when Jeremy (the crow) sees Mrs. Brisby's new necklace and says "I've always wanted a sparkly of my very own!" (image). Halle's white co-worker also speaks more black than her. That's just bad writing, though. When I was in school, I was told in video classes that average shot length is 3 seconds and that was called "increased contiuity editing". I call it decreased because flashing, disjointed close-ups are disorienting at best. This film used that technique through the entire duration. It would be difficult to find a clip that went over 3 seconds without cuts. My last point is the motorcycle scene. It's mandatory for all crappy action flicks to have a motorcycle scene. See my review of Ecks vs. Sever for more discussion on this. I rate this shit because I watched it all the way through, wishing that I had turned it off about 3 minutes in. DO NOT WATCH!
A Thai horror directed by Chookiat Sakveerakul.
A girl's parents are killed and she goes to live with her aunt who runs a paper mill. There, she gets a job as nanny for the aunt's grandson whose previous nanny disappeared. He says there are ghosts in the house.
Amazing! I don't usually get scared by movies, but this one had me pretty anxious. Between writing, casting and acting, the characters worked very well together in the story. The video editing was not like modern American horror, it used longer takes and wider shots. There was some handheld camerawork, but it all made sense together without turning into a flickering blur of underexposed close-ups like American filmmakers would have done. There was some real tension built and even though there was only 1 "scary part" it lasted like 20 minutes. When the boy is in the cupboard and... No, I won't spoil that because you should watch this. This is the best horror I've seen in a long time. I rate it best. Watch it if you're not afraid...
A Chinese romance directed by Wong Kar-wai, starring Tony Leung Chiu-wai, Gong Li, Carina Lau, Chang Chen and Maggie Cheung.
A writer lives in a small hotel and dates women. He is writing a science fiction story about secrets and uses the room number of a woman he met there as a year or place to set his story.
Very pretty, but pretty boring. Apparently, this is the sequel to 2 of Wong Kar-wai's other films which I haven't watched yet because of my alphabetical order. I think that the writing was what did this in for me. The camera-work was absolutely beautiful. Framing, composition and creative angles were all present and top shelf. Depth of field and something I can only term "item stacking" were great. Shots were arranged in a way which put people behind people, in front of doorways, between cutrains, etc. The plot and characters just could not hold my attention. In stark contrast to the last film I watched, Nymphomaniac (2013), this had me hoping for longer than usual credits so that it would just be done. I rate this poor because of unbalanced production that its visual beauty could not save.
A Japanese anime directed by Tensai Okamura.
A group of reverse-werewolves (wolves which can become human at will) are looking for paradise and are convinced that a woman made from a flower will lead them to it. Unfortunately, a technological military group called Nobles are trying to keep the woman for their own purposes and an old man is on a wolf-hunting revenge quest.
The premise seems great and the first few episodes (maybe first season?) went really well. That was where it broke down. Episodes 15-18 were a recap of episodes 1-14 and then the ending was all messy. The plot became convoluted and muddy and the ending was inconclusive. Like Chrono Crusade, it would have been better to just have the 4 wolf guys run around dealing with problems on an individual episode basis. This was worse than that because it was so serious. So serious, in fact, that the animation style was in low contrast and low color saturation. The credits theme songs were terrible and it didn't seem to matter where the opening credits ended up in the episode. opening credits 5 minutes in? Sure! Why not? I found the whole set to be boring and it did not hold my attention. I rate it o.k.
A Japanese anime directed by Yu Ko.
A young religious woman has made a contract with a devil. Together, they fight demonic monsters and search for her lost brother. They are soon joined by a girl vocalist and a rich woman who is a jewel summoner.
This was a little bit mixed. There was supernatural violence, blood, female anatomy emphasis, humor and heartstring-tugging emotional material. As far as variety goes, it had that. However, I would have preferred it to be 24 stand-alone episodes of Rosette and Chrono battling supernatural monsters punctuated by bouncing tits and the lecherous old scientist giving them new toys to play with. It started out fun and light, but got emotional and heavy at the end. Just to be clear, this is not associated with Chrono Cross or Chrono Trigger. I really see no need to write overly much about a 24 episode anime series. I rate it adequate. Anime fans would enjoy it more than I did.
A Hong Kong Japanese South Korean horror directed by Fruit Chan, Park Chan-wook and Takashi Miike.
Three short story films are presented. See my post on Dumplings for the first. The second involves an acting extra who has conflict with the film director. The third is about performing sisters who have a conflict over incestual fatherly love that leads one to kill the other.
Far-Eastern films always have something special, don't they? The plots of these three stories definitely held my attention. The characters were just deep enough to fill the length and not seem like dull people. The video was extremely varied with many techniques and the audio all sounded good. It was in the original languages and had good subtitles. I would go on a little bit more, but I don't want to spoil it. Overall, this is very much worth watching. I rate it good. Watch it!
A Chinese horror drama directed by Fruit Chan, starring Miriam Yeung, Tony Leung Ka-fai and Bai Ling.
A rich woman goes to an expensive dumpling shop in an apartment building. The woman who runs the shop claims that eating human foetus will restore the rich woman's youth and beauty.
For a horror film, there was not much to be afraid of here. The plot ran more like a drama and barely held my interest. The characters were typical of Asian cinema post-2000. The video was a little on the strange side, like most films from this time and area. It showed what was going on and used some creative camera angles. A prime example would be the dinner party scene, in which we see an obstructed view of the guests. The audio seemed alright and it had good subtitles. The only real horror element was the idea of cannibalism. There were a few shots of aborted foetuses, but it was mostly drama to me. Overall, this does not deserve it's reputation as a scary film. I rate it tolerable.
A British thriller directed by Shane Meadows, starring Paddy Considine and Toby Kebbell.
A man returns from the army to find that his mentally handicapped brother has been tortured in his absence by a group of men he knows. A tale of revenge begins.
Not too bad. The plot was interesting and had a good twist at the right point: Just when you think it's over. The characters were acted convincingly. Technically, it was made quite well. The flashback scenes are difficult to watch and I was rooting for the brother through the whole thing. Stylistically, it shows that it is a newer film with how dramatically the scenes are created. Overall, a pretty decent flick. I rate it adequate.
An American drama directed by Jonathan Glazer, starring Nicole Kidman, Danny Huston and Lauren Bacall.
A 10 year old boy claims to be the dead husband of a woman who is about to get re-married.
This definitely made more sense than the previous Glazer film. It had a relatively coherent plot and the characters were developed more. The video is still not to my liking. There were too many handheld shots and some of it seemed unnecessary. The audio was not so great either. Most of the dialogue was whispered inaudibly. This obviously had a negative impact on my understanding of the plot. Overall, this does not score high in areas that matter most to me. I think too much was implied and not shown. I rate this tolerable.
An American British Maltese peplum war film directed by Wolfgang Petersen, starring Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom.
Greeks, led by Achilles, invade Troy, defended by Hector. They fight, mostly over one woman.
This film was just like the armies depicted in it: astronomical number of cast members, slow moving, impersonal and only concentrated on war. There was an effort to give the plot a personal dimension by the conflict between Hector and Achilles and the multiple love affairs of Briseis. The characters were pretty shallow, probably because there were so many of them. The video all looked fine, except for where I saw the CG and live action separating (picture). We all know that shit ain't real! It was all very high contrast. The audio was actually good. Audible dialogue with appropriate music that was mixed well. Pacing is where we run into serious problems. The old Italian hour and a half peplum flicks were bad enough. This was THREE HOURS! I remember trying to watch it before and turning it off half way through because I got so bored. Overall, a modern sword and sandal peplum. I rate it bad for military and duration issues.
An American romance directed by Richard Linklater, starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.
The couple from Before Sunrise (1995) meet nine years later in Paris. The man is the author of a book detailing the events of the first film and the woman is an environmental activist. They meet at his book signing and try to spend time together before he has to catch an airplane flight.
I was disappointed. The first one was so good that anything else is a let-down. The plot took place over a shorter period of time and had lost it's magic. The characters were the same, but they were trying to rekindle old sparks of romance and catch up on lost time. It seemed sad. The video featured lots of moving shots with the actors walking and talking. They did a good job on that. The audio blended seamlessly as the original and featured a song played by the female lead on guitar and vocals. Actually played live with no faking, a rarity. Overall, not as good as the first one, but still as well-made and "soundly" designed. I rate it adequate.
An American comedy directed by Barry Levinson, starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Christopher Walken.
A pair of friends live across the street from each other. One of them invents a spray that makes poop disappear and gets rich. The other is envious, gets fired from his job, makes friends with a bum and kills the friend's horse.
My three most hated actors all in one film? Why haven't I watched this before? The intro was extremely disorienting. This rolling/pivoting camera gimmick made me woozy. The plot is not bad and the audio/video was clear and appropriate. Although filled with terrible horridness, I didn't mind watching it. I know it's bad, but somehow I enjoyed that. According to Wikipedia, the filmmakers publicly apologized for making this. I think the real issue was casting. Let's take idiot Ben Stiller as a main character, add annoying Jack Black as second AND THEN top that off with The Walken Beast. It's a recipe for disaster! Apparently, I like bad movies though. I'm giving this a weird pink rating because I HATE the ingredients, but the end product was tolerable.
A Japanese daikaiju science fiction directed by Ryuhei Kitamura.
Aliens come to Earth. They trigger and stop attacks by all of the giant monsters. Wanting to use humans as a food source, they struggle against an elite Earth military group who call Godzilla. An old man and his grandson find baby Godzilla, but that doesn't matter at all.
This was over the top and out of the park. The Japanese film team handled special effects like a child who has found his father's gun. There was a composited fight on motorcycles and more Hong Kong wire than anyone knows what to do with. Fast editing cuts and beam weapons abounded. True to the spirit of daikaiju films, they pulled out all the stops and released all the monsters except Destoroyah and MechaGodzilla. A movie so bad that it's good, this makes reparations for those crappy '90s Godzilla flicks that I've been talking trash about recently. Overall, (and sticking with the baseball analogy) they hit a home run. I rate this awesome.
An American drama directed by Spike Lee, starring Anthony Mackie, Ellen Barkin, Monica Bellucci, Brian Dennehy, Woody Harrelson, Bai Ling and John Turturro.
A man who works at a company that is developing a cure for AIDS has his assets frozen because he called in an ethics violation of his co-workers. Faced with no work, he falls into a business of impregnating lesbians for large sums of money.
This was very well-made. I tried to watch it with as open a mind as I could. The plot did hold my attention and the few main characters had some development. There was an absolute army of extras. I liked that there was some humor mixed in at various points of dialogue. The video impressed me with creative use of compositing. The soundtrack was minimal, but appropriate. There were a few short sections of foreign languages with no subtitles, but they did not effect the plot. Alright, racist cowboy time. There were some sections of this film that were geared toward an audience with darker skin than mine. The title is a dead give-away of this fact. The way that certain conversations were heart-to-heart talks and also heated arguments was one of these. Honkies ain't be lying down for that shit. The lighting on certain scenes was also "not how white people do it". When us white folks cook dinner, we tend to turn the kitchen light on. I'm not saying that people with lighter skin are better than those with darker skin, just different. Overall, pretty decent, but definitely for a certain type of audience. I rate this adequate, mostly for the compositing.
