A tutorial documentary on mountain biking by Ryan Leech.
A professional rider shows how to perform advanced moves on a bicycle.
This is the video bible of trials biking. I was told to watch it until my eyes bleed. Needless to say (but saying anyway), it's very detailed and descriptive. Ryan Leech demonstrates his moves on fabricated obstacles specifically designed for this purpose on a blank white set. The moves are then shown outdoors in real areas where the moves can be performed. The video and audio are both immaculate to aid the learning process. If you want to learn this style of biking, this is the video. I'm rating it best.
A British tutorial documentary on mountain biking directed by Adam Kaleta, starring Martyn Ashton, Martin Hawyes and Hans Rey.
A trio of UK mountain bikers act out a chase scene on bicycles and then explain how to perform the moves that they used.
On tutorial films like this, I tend to evaluate the content over the production. That being said, the production on the copy that I saw was poor at best. The audio was extremely muffled and the video was a little blurry. The actual "how to" section was great. The instructors gave good advice and used humor to break up the serious learning. It was also nice to see guys doing moves like I want to learn on bicycles that look so much like my own. Modern films of this sort tend to feature guys on overly specialized bicycles performing moves that are far beyond the abilities of a hobbyist like myself. I'm rating this awesome.
A Spanish Italian sword and sandal action film directed by Pedro Lazaga.
A group of seven gladiators defend a small town from a tyrant and his soldiers.
Does this plot ring a bell? Maybe it's a little like Shichinin No Samurai (1954) or The Magnificent Seven (1960)? This makes me wonder if there's a wuxia/kung fu version around somewhere. When something is perfect the first time and still good the second, what would possess someone to try for #3 by using inferior tools and abilities? Anyway, the plot was stale as stale can be and the characters were shallow mockeries. The audio and video were bad and the style sucked. I would compare this to someone scribbling with crayons on their ceiling and calling it a sequel to the Sistine chapel. For making such a bad movie, based on such good movies, I rate this shit. This is another instance of "I watched it so you don't have to".
An Italian sword and sandal action film directed by Mario Costa.
A strong slave is protecting a princess who is hiding from authorities because she has become a Christian. The slave ends up being a gladiator.
More of the same cookie cutter trash. Just like '70s kung fu, these '60s sword and sandal flicks were mass-produced on such a scale that quality definitely suffered. The audio and video were terrible, the plot was murky and it had no style. The characters were identifiable, but that's the only positive comment I can think of. I'm rating this poor because it wasn't the worst sword and sandal film and it blends in better with that rating.
A French Italian sword and sandal action film directed by Gianfranco Parolini.
Hercules helps rebel forces to defeat the tyrannical ruler of a kingdom where the queen is attracted to him and he is attracted to a handmaiden.
If I had to pick a sword and sandal flick to watch, this would be the lesser of evils so far. They focused more on action, with Hercules fighting and performing feats of strength rather than on politics and military campaigns. The audio was severely muffled and the video was blurry, but the content made up for these poor production values. My favorite part was when Hercules was doing trials to save a woman from being executed or sacrificed. He goes into pits in the arena where he is presented with a challenge like a lion or a man in a fuzzy costume and spikes on the walls that close in. I'm rating it adequate.
A South African thriller directed by Ivan Hall.
A professional revolutionary seeks to steer the politics of a nation by murder and a police officer tries to stop him.
I had to read the plot on Wikipedia because it was not apparent in the film. In fact, nothing was apparent. The video looked nasty and the audio sounded trashy like a low budget horror flick or a porno. The characters remained a mystery throughout the duration as well as the plot. The style reeked of the sleazy '70s in every way possible. I'm going to have to rate this bad because it's worthless trash.
An English historical drama directed by William K. Howard, starring Lawrence Olivier and Vivien Leigh.
English nobles argue about war with Spain while a young Spanish man is falling in love with the English princess.
The plot and characters were some of the driest and most boring I've ever seen and on the whole, it was not a good film. However, the camera-work was PERFECT! I realized this at about 1:10 during a fight scene in which I could see both combatants struggling. Thinking retrospectively, I realized that the whole movie was shot wonderfully. There was a scene in which the young lead characters are together singing and the backdrop looks fantastic. I wish that modern filmmakers would shoot like this. Alejandro Jodorowsky would be proud. I'm rating it o.k. because it was a boring movie despite the great camera-work.
An American adventure film directed by George Melford.
A woman goes looking for her lost husband in the jungle. Indebted to the prince who saved his life, the husband is the prince's personal doctor and has developed an alcohol addiction. The prince wishes to marry the wife and conflict ensues.
Am I to go easy on it because it's an old movie and made using the limited technology of that era? No. They could have at least focused their camera because the whole film was blurry and it was very difficult to see what was happening. Their audio equipment wasn't great, but that doesn't mean they had to include so much dead air. In the raft-to-the-jungle scene, the oarsmen were chanting something extremely annoying. Due to these technical issues, discernment of the plot and characters suffered greatly. What I could see and hear was alright at best and shouldn't have taken so much time to communicate. Yes, I'm rating another one bad.
An Italian sword and sandal action adventure film directed by Ferdinando Baldi and Terence Young.
After years of war between Rome and Alba, triplet brothers from each place arrange to fight and have the outcome of their conflict determine the end of the war.
Yet another inferior sword and sandal flick that seemed to drag on forever. These things follow a formula just like generic kung fu flicks and are indeed very similar. Wretched audio and video? Check. Light on plot and characters difficult to differentiate? Check. If I were reviewing how well it fit the mold of this genre, it would get a "best" rating. I'm not.
A movie should be something special and different in some way. It should have characters that feel like old friends by 10 minutes in and a plot that seems to determine the fate of this world (if not other worlds as well). Creative camera angles with good quality video that is easy to see and convincingly tasteful special effects should be a feast for my eyes. Audible, clearly spoken dialogue and an epic musical score of a soundtrack should push it into the realms of ear-candy. A good film should have consistent style and flavor; it should be identifiable as that film at any part in it's duration. In the first 5 minutes, my interest needs to be lured into the world of the film. By half an hour, I need to be engrossed in the story. At about an hour to 1:30, I should not want it to end. At the end, I must desire to watch it again at some point. That is what makes a good movie.
THIS was NOT a good movie. It contained 1/16th of what I described in the paragraph above. The dialogue was clearly spoken and audible. I'm going to rate it bad because it was a cookie cutter piece of crap.
An American war film directed by William Cameron Menzies.
Old friends face each other on opposite sides of the civil war and a mutual love interest is caught in the middle.
Yet another old and boring movie. The audio and video quality weren't too bad, but the plot did not hold my attention. In fact, I barely heeded the film at all. As with Gone with the Wind, I was bored to tears immediately. I'll just rate it poor and move on.
A French Italian Spanish action adventure sword and sandal film directed by Antonio Margheriti.
An evil man has the sultan assassinated and the prince and princess imprisoned. The princess escapes and is saved by the son of Hercules and his mute sidekick.
This is just like every other sword and sandal film of the '60s. Dirty looking video, horrible audio (this one had a high pitched shrieking sound throughout), light on plot and heavy on cluttered fight scenes. Having nothing good to say about it, I'll just rate it bad and leave it at that.
An American documentary directed by Ralf Schmerberg, produced by Red Bull Media House and Red Bull Music Academy.
Some various musicians are interviewed and scenes from New York City are shown.
For a film about music, this was a cacophony of both audio and visual data. This makes sense considering the production company. The most banal and disjointed musician interviews were chopped up and interspersed with nonsensical scenes from NYC. They would play a short clip of someone saying something that might be related to music by the furthest stretch of the imagination, followed by a NYC scene like traffic or dogs barking. Why? To disorient the viewer, avoid presenting clear and coherent information of any kind and to MAKE MONEY. That's right, now documentaries don't present information, they serve the all-mighty dollar like everything else. Welcome to the new world order. All of us poor humans sat on our lazy asses as 2012 came and went and now the Illuminati have won. Welcome to THEIR world! They accidentally included a short clip of Malcolm Cecil discussing the balance that musicians need between the forces of grounding, spirit, theory and emotion at 55 minutes. This weird bassist from the '60s caught them off-guard and presented the only actual information in the whole film. I rate this cacophonous disarray shit.
A Swedish and West German fantasy adventure series directed by Olle Hellbom, starring Inger Nilsson, Maria Persson and Par Sundberg.
Pippi Longstocking is the daughter of a sea captain/pirate. She has magic powers and the neighbor kids are her friends. They go on adventures together from playing "the floor is lava" in her house, Ville Villekulla to rescuing Pippi's father from pirates.
This is one of those things that you have to see to understand why it's so cool. The characters are unforgettable and the plots stay interesting. The style or flavor is consistently very good and captures the innocence and curiosity of youth. Some of the dubbing was a little on the nasty side and reminded me of bad kung-fu films, but otherwise I liked it. I've concluded that it's not sexual subliminal messages that this series has, but witchcraft and black magic. In the final 1970 film, Pippi's last appearance is flying a broom. I think that settles that question. She does show her green panties quite a bit and there are a few instances of Annika's pre-pubescent upper-frontal nudity. By the way, Annika can SHRED on the harmonica. She seems to pull it out of nowhere and go to town on that instrument, whereas Pippi (with black magick witchcraft powers) can't play the trumpet to save her life. Unfortunately, the smoking scene (for those internet psychonauts like myself) is not present in this series. I don't know where that picture came from. I would definitely recommend this series of films to anyone who has the same weird taste in movies as I have. I'm rating it best. Yes, better than New Adventures.
An American drama directed by William Beaudine.
A ladies' man, one of the flight crew, some female entertainers and a group of men planning to steal the vessel get ready to board an airplane together.
The setup for the film is going along great. Everyone has been introduced and they have histories outside the film. The plot is really coming together, but what's that? Only a few minutes left? Sure, we can end it as fast as you want!
That's how it seemed to me. The editing was sloppy and the pace deteriorated quickly. Despite the age of the film and the editing/pacing defects, it was going great until the end and then BLAM! it's done. I'm rating this poor for a botched ending.
An Italian crime film directed by Antonio Margheriti, starring Yul Brynner.
A retired hit man and a guy who fixes horse races using a pellet gun team up against high level mafia bosses.
Blah blah blah, car chase, shootout, repeat. If that's what you want, this film is for you. I tend to not go for this type of thing and desire a little more from a film. Granted, I'm writing about public domain films, but there are standards that must be met. The audio was noisy and the video grainy. The few main characters were difficult to lose track of, but everyone else was anonymous. The plot was a total disaster because it was presented so shoddily. The acting was alright on the parts of Yul Brynner, his sidekick and girlfriend. I'm rating this poor because the plot was so difficult to follow.
An American action crime film directed by Paul Kyriazi.
An Asian woman has a trio of fighters whom she send to kill people for her. A crime boss soon finds out that the Asian woman wants complete control of all hit men in the city and will kill anyone who tries to kill someone without her guys. The trio attack a karate studio where they kill everyone except one student who sets out to get revenge.
The plot was murky like a Louisiana bayou on a moonless night and the characters were similarly unidentifiable. Is the hero one of the villains? If you like cheesy '70s music (and I know you do), the soundtrack is awesome. The acting was some of the worst I've ever seen and the editing was off-time. Hence, the pacing was terrible. There were a few good scenes including 2 bar/restaurant brawls and an office timebomb freakout session. The first restaurant brawl was accompanied by Christian country music and it seemed very Tarantino-esque. I'm rating this o.k. because it sucked something fierce, but had it's moments.
An American action western film directed by Albert C. Gannaway and Ismael Rodriguez, starring Bruce Bennett, Faron Young and Lon Chaney Jr.
With an all-star cast like this, you would think it would be a great movie, but no. Faron Young sang a country song and the rest was trash. The acting was bad, editing worse and video looked dirty. The audio was somehow crystal clear like it was recorded yesterday (using vintage equipment, of course). The plot was pointless and the characters were nearly unidentifiable. I'll just go ahead and rate it bad. You're better off listening to Faron Young singing "Long Green Valley" without the rest of the movie.
An American fantasy adventure directed by Ken Annakin, starring Tami Erin.
The anarchist daughter of a sea captain is separated from the ship in a storm and floats to the family home on a raft with her horse and monkey. Once home, she befriends the neighbor children who break into her house while their parents are away. Adults from the town try to steal her animals, her house and imprison her. She has magic powers too.
I don't remember whether I liked or disliked this movie when I was younger, but I do remember watching it many times. The characters are good, but I think that the plot is a little desultory and the pacing got a little jumpy or uneven at times. The audio was good (even the super-stupid songs), but I accidentally got the full-screen version (OH NO! I've been panned and scanned!). Yes, this is the first movie that I've paid for since starting this blog. On a more interesting note, Tami Erin's career ran from the glorious heights of being THE Pippi Longstocking, through mediocrity in television news and commercials to finally end with the release of a sex tape in 2013. This inevitable eventuality was prepared for by her charity work beginning in 2011. I would really like a copy of the 2013 tape because I think that there are subliminal messages in this film. I was unable to dig up any dirt on ye olde internet, but I'm sure that there are sexual innuendos so deep they make Caligula look like Sesame Street. I may update this post after more research. Until then, I rate it awesome!
An American film directed by William Berke.
A man trying to claim his inheritance boards the wrong boat to get to America. On the boat, he encounters a burlesque dancer and some men who want to kill him.
The plot and characters were unclear and the presentation was lacking. The audio and video were surprisingly good quality, but when they show a jumbled mess, it doesn't help. 1944 seems to be quite a bad year for movies. I'm rating this bad.
An Italian American sword and sandal adventure film directed by Curtis Bernhardt.
One man is accused of a crime and asks for time to settle his affairs before execution. The leader refuses until another man volunteers to be imprisoned in place of the first man until he returns. If the first man does not return, the second will be executed instead.
All of this plot happened in the last 30 minutes of the film. The hour leading up to that was filler. Obviously, it was yet another extremely boring sword and sandal flick. The video and audio were crappy and it was completely lacking style. I was going to poke fun at Mill Creek Entertainment here, but upon looking them up, found out that they're a gigantic video redistribution company. I had seen their logo on a few other boring sword and sandal flicks and wanted to make a Mill Creek = run of the mill joke, but no can do. I'm rating it poor because it didn't stand out enough to rate bad.
An Irish American made for TV film directed by Michael O'Herlihy.
When an airplane crashes into his house, a man's wife and children are killed. He sets out to find who crashed the plane and to get revenge (apparently, according to Wikipedia).
I had to turn this off at about the 20 minute mark because I could not hear what the people were saying. The audio was muffled something fierce and they all sounded like they were slurring drunkenly. In a film that is as dialogue-based as this, not being able to understand the words is a fatal flaw. I have to rate it shit because I turned it off.
An Italian comedy adventure directed by Vittorio Sala.
A Grecian strongman and his friend are tricked into sailing to an unknown island where they are drugged and taken as slaves by Amazon women.
The audio and video were poor quality, the plot was a little on the murky side at times and it was difficult to differentiate the characters. The humor used in this film was banal and insipid and the music... Well, you get the idea. I won't even go into the left breast emphasis - Illuminati symbolism connection because it just isn't worth it. For poor content and being poorly made, I rate this bad. This is a film that defines my idea of a bad rating.
A French Italian crime thriller film directed by Terence Young, starring Charles Bronson.
A man who used to be in the military runs a boating business and has a happy life with his wife and daughter. After seeing his picture in a newspaper, his army buddies catch up with him. They are now drug smugglers so they break into his house, kidnap his wife and daughter and try to force him to use his boat for drug runs.
The whole film happened "at gunpoint" and this phrase should be added to every sentence in my plot summary. For some extra fun, you can add "while being threatened with a weapon". I liked how the plot was presented: It started with "now" and then, once some plot is established, it filled in "before" before moving on to "next". The pace and editing were good. The acting and general presentation was very clear. Technically speaking, it's not too bad. I just didn't really get into it. Crime movies of most types aren't my thing and all the guns put me off too. I'm giving it one of those weird pink ratings because it was well made, but I didn't really like it.
An American crime film directed by Joe Tornatore.
A group of Vietnam veterans gets involved in the ongoing conflict between white mafia, black gangs and the cops.
I was being too nice to the public domain movies. Now it's time to get nasty. What a horrible load of crap! The acting was some of the worst I've ever seen, the editing was sloppily timed, camera-work was lame, characters undeveloped, plot boring and the quality of the audio and video followed along these lines. It was like an hour and 20 minute Sabotage video by The Beastie Boys. Then in the last 5 minutes, a back-story develops for one character and twists the plot of the whole film retroactively. It seems like they tried to justify the whole stupid movie by making the last few minutes interesting. Too little too late! I'm rating it bad.
An American action swashbuckling film directed by Thomas Carr, starring Richard Greene.
An infamous swashbuckler named Captain Scarlett saves a princess from highwaymen and from being married against her will. After escaping from jail with the exact highwayman from whom he saved the princess, the two men save the princess yet again.
I believe that this may be an early influence on such films as Fanfan La Tulipe (2003) and The Princess Bride (1987). There's also a Conan The Destroyer (1984) scene in which the group gathers around a campfire while the leading man teaches the leading woman swordplay. The video was grainy and gritty, but not nasty and the audio was equivalent. The plot and characters were good; I actually enjoyed watching and it kept my attention. The score for the soundtrack added style with some epic classical music similar to that of The Princess Bride. After saying so many nice things about this film, I would have to be a real jerk to rate it anything less than good.
An American film noir thriller directed by Paul Guilfoyle.
A hotel in South America is the scene of multiple shootings as one man tries to get paid for illegal business, a man on the run from a landlord after sleeping with the landlord's wife shows up shot and a nuclear scientist meets his daughter. The remaining characters board a ship for the United States, only to find that it has a bomb on it.
The plot was complex, yet coherent. A little bit of espionage and hidden identities went on, but still the characters were good and were provided with back-stories. The only thing missing was some style. I would have liked to see some creative use of the camera to really make it great. Special effects were obviously not a plausible option in the era in which this film was made. The video and audio showed their age, but when a film is interesting, those types of things can easily be overlooked. This is another very watchable old public domain film. I'm rating it adequate. Who cares that the director's name sounds like oil used on a grandmother... (Metalocalypse) whatever.
An American action adventure directed by Rowland V. Lee, starring John Carradine.
A pirate poses as the captain of a regular ship in order to be sent out on a diplomatic escort mission. He recruits a crew from a pirate jail, along with a nobleman who is totally out of his element. As soon as the ship sets sail, the captain begins killing off those who he views as adversaries.
At least this kept my attention. The plot and characters were good and the costumes were awesome. It was very clearly presented, although there were some spots where the audio got a little on the lo-fi side. I saw a lot of Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) in Captain Kidd's mannerisms. If you're looking for an old public domain movie that is watchable, this would be a good one to check out. I'm rating it adequate.
An Italian war film directed by Tanio Boccia.
Julius Caesar fights a war against the Gauls.
This was boring, the video looked dirty and the audio was muffled. The plot was as murky as the video and the only identifiable character was Caesar. The only positive thing that I can say is that it wasn't annoying. I'm rating it poor for such extreme mediocrity and forgettability.
An American war film directed by Terry O. Morse, starring Boris Karloff.
Spies spy on spies who are pretending to be spies from the other side to trick the spies that are spying on them.
What a plotless load of crap. The characters were unidentifiable, plot was murky, pacing slow and no style. I can see why it's public domain. I'm rating it bad.
An American talkie directed by Edgar G. Ulmer, starring John Carradine.
A puppeteer who strangles women set his sights on a dressmaker.
The audio and video seemed like they were from 1904 rather than '44. The plot was dry and the characters drier; Mummy dry. Being totally devoid of style, this film should have been put out of it's misery sooner because an hour and 10 minutes was too much and I turned it off half way through. I have to rate it shit.
An American science fiction musical written and directed by Albert Pyun.
A girl band in the '80s version of the future loses their lead vocalist and replaces her with a girl from a high school talent show. Their inept manager books them to play at a famous venue far away, but they crash their spaceship on the way there.
The beginning was really good, but the middle was lackluster to say the least. The music was really good in that '80s cheesy pop metal type of way. The characters were alright I guess. The plot loses coherency shortly after the ship crashes and the pacing was uneven. This is yet another case of misleading cover art from the '80s. The cover looks all Boris Vallejo, but the actual film delivers nothing close to this. The instruments that the band plays are "futuristic" to say the least and there's a discrepancy between band members and instruments. I see guitar, vocals, keys and bass, but where's the drummer that I hear so clearly? I'm rating it o.k.
An American horror thriller directed and produced by Mark G. Gilhuis.
While going through a divorce from his wife, a man loses his job at an auto repair service station. He shows up in church naked and is committed to a mental institution. Upon his release, his brother has him live in an abandoned hotel where he loses his mind completely.
I thought this was cool. Most of the film is from the main character's perspective and I sympathize with him. It's tough being the only sane person you know. I really liked the teddy bear with the gun hidden in it. The video was very grainy like an '80s straight to VHS release and the audio was muffled and garbled (generally low quality) but these aspects helped to convey the mental instability of the main character. The plot was a little long-winded and the pacing was too slow, but the characters were good and there was no lack of style. I'm rating this awesome.
A German Italian crime film directed by Rolf Olsen and Lee Payant.
A group of criminals free their leader from the police and attempt to rob a bank. When one of the men is captured during the escape from the police, another man's girlfriend's brother (an army deserter) steps in to take his place.
The leader of the gang was cast and played very well. The plot was moderately interesting and there was definitely an eastern European feel to it. Otherwise it was worthless. There really isn't much to write about a film like this, so I'll just rate it bad.
A British horror film directed by Richard Jefferies, starring James Earl Jones.
When a recently married couple are on vacation, they go to an island near Greece in search of the man's lost sister. They find her there among the irritable locals and a treasure hunter. The treasure hunter wakes an ancient monster while looking for riches and the locals try to revert to their old ways of sacrificing virgins to the monster.
You may recognize James Earl Jones' voice, but not his appearance. This is because his most famous roles were as Darth Vader in Star Wars and Mufasa in The Lion King. He was also the voice of Ommadon in Flight of Dragons and the narrator for Long Ago And Far Away. Other than employing the talents of a famous voice actor, this film was one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen. It's not in the running for "worst film ever", but still, it's pretty bad. The audio was bad and much of it was in Greek(?) and there were no subtitles. The video looked like it was from 1972, not '82. The plot was stupid and full of superfluous characters and there was no style or flavor of any kind. I'm rating it shit.
An American war film directed by George McCowan, written and produced by Aaron Spelling, starring Richard Pryor.
A white officer is put in charge of a troop of black soldiers and given very little time to get enemy troops off of a bridge.
This was a very run of the mill film, and it's obvious that it was a made for TV movie. The only note-worthy thing in it was Richard Pryor. Otherwise, it seems like it was made to blend in with crowds of other movies, fade into the background and be forgotten. It has. I rate it poor for mediocrity.
